i've cried multiple times today. once because the wind blew and my glasses were not a shield. twice because of something i don't understand. and thrice because of something i do. i think i'd been meaning to take a walk for the entire last half of the semester. i guess i finally did. there was a poison ivy warning near the creek and i stood on the frisbee fairway and realized "it isn't all that cold." and believe me, i want to write something poignant and powerful and closing about my sixteenth year. but i've spent over an hour studying for music finals and my voice is a high-pitched mess, and i'm super hungry and i want... well actually i don't know what i want. my thoughts are racing and i don't know what song to listen to and the most prominent thing in my mind is that audrey didn't say happy birthday like she said she would this time last year. it's kind of like being in a big room full of people or going to the movies by yourself. everyone is there except for the person you want to be. and tomorrow helayna is busy and i think all i want is for her to tell me happy birthday. and so many of you have told me how i have a way with words, but i can't explain how much that would mean to me. maybe if you looked at me, you'll know.
in the mean time, i'm scheduling this post for midnight but i have a half hour left. i should probably make a cake for english class and take one last selfie before the clock strikes. i guess i'll lie on the floor and listen to sleeping at last, because that's probably what i need to do soon. update: helayna said "i'm going to bed, but happy early birthday." i said "thank you, beauty. i'm kinda scared." she said "don't be. make it count."
i love all of you.