a series of quiet moments.

what i look like between spurts of conversation, of laughter. people often mistake me for being sad, but i'm just solemn. i'm just thinking.
the house was too loud for my taste, so i slipped away to the guest bedroom and sat by the window for awhile.
all of these photographs are unedited. i didn't feel the need.

-kiss kiss kiss, true south-
{pea ess: i think it's time for a new blog design, don't you?}


so we're back here again.

friday morning, the air is warm and heavy with humidity. everyone has their goggles on so the sun won't set their eyes ablaze. i don't remember what swimsuit i'm wearing, but my cap is red and my insides are still asleep. blue, if you want to put a colour to it. everyone in our age group is huddled together, listening to whatever it was coach is saying, but i suppose i am particularly standoffish that day because i am alone. so you walk over, legs as thin as the squints of my eyes and look at me. "do you need a hug?" "no." "i think you need a hug." we are standing on the deck, and the only thing compatible about our skin is that it's coated in water droplets. you are smaller than me and if your arms weren't wrapped around me i would've cocooned you. i remember nothing else.

i tend to blame myself for a lot of things. for example: the fact you didn't like me. johanna says people like you aren't good, and we haven't spoken in almost two years but you're getting older now, and if we saw each other again, i think it would be okay. incidentally, darling, i haven't forgotten, but this time i know you do not remember. and that's okay, too.

-kiss kiss kiss, comes too soon-


kodak 400.

"the man i love died. he destroyed me, and then he died. and now i'm destroying myself." 
"remembering him is killing me. trying to forget him is killing me. either way, i feel like i'm going to die. i don't know what to do anymore."
i keep these film canisters in my makeup bag and i forgot about them until a few days ago when my
friend offered to do my face and accidentally spilled all the contents onto the counter.

i said, "oh yeah, those are old," as i remembered last labour day weekend when we drove past the park on the way to the bookstore and hung out in the backyard while my granddad barbecued corn, when we dodged mosquitoes and swept them off our limbs like it was a tarantella and whispered sweet nothings into the old phonograph, cajoling it to play chopin and

i think i only keep these canisters to remind myself you're not here anymore.

the funny thing about photographs is that they represent their own reality;
that somewhere behind the gloss finish you're smiling and still have time to breathe.
my granddad always says "what's passed has passed" and i think i want to join you there because

at least then you're still alive.
at least the current reality hasn't leaked into our frame.
(incidentally, all i see is darkness.)
(incidentally, i think that film expired when you did.)

i keep these film canisters in my makeup bag and i forgot about them until a few days ago when my
friend offered to do my face and accidentally spilled all the contents onto the counter.

i said, "oh yeah, those are old,"
and i think i have a hard time letting things go.

for two lovely girls who i strongly believe in.
-kiss kiss kiss, learn to live-
{pea ess: allow me to tell you your story.}


to the most beautiful girl i've had the privilege of loving.

Untitledby helayna.
i spent months thinking about this, you know. i want going to write a poem, make a movie (that's probably still going to happen), say something really profound and meaningful, talk about the concert, things like that. and now it's finally here and i don't know what to say. 

i think--no, i know you made 2013 one of the best years of my life. and everything you are is special, and perfect, and begging for a nap. i think they want me to explain how much i love you and i'm not sure if that's possible, but let's suffice to say i don't know where i'd be if we hadn't connected. you're neptune (and my selfie companion), you're my favourite [and only] layna-cat, you're the sea and i'm the shore. 
happy seventeenth birthday, beauty. 3<
dear charlie,
i have a friend. i call her layna. but you can't. she wears black a lot. and her sister calls me goshbubbles. and she gives good hugs. and smells like home. and she's beautiful. unconventionally. and "i'm glad i didn't die before i met her." and it's true. and this one is forever. and i know you know that.
love, jo. 
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