i guess i'm doing youtube again.

so i'm making youtube videos again and i thought you should know. it seemed like the polite thing to do. 

-kiss kiss kiss, shangri las-


i love you so much. look at the title for a little bit and let that sink in. like chocolate melting on your tongue or pasta.

what to say, what to say... let's see. i did a birthday version of your song and it has some microphone problems and background noise but it's not like i'm good enough at digital audio to remove that and i wanted to give it do you sooner anyways so here you go; i was watching this youtube series called 'i love lucy and bekka' and OH MY GOD it almost exactly what we're going to be like when we live together; i was reading a lot of my old tweets for like zero reason and i realized how much love spilled out of from them and i love you, oh my God i love you so much and i am so so fricking proud of you and i love you and i could not have done any of this without you and thank you and God bless you and


what else is there to even say. you. it's all you. it is all you. and i love you. so much.

happy birthday, five (almost six) days late on here, but. it's a big deal. it really is.

your jo.


turning on the lights.

so, in retrospect, how would you say your year has been?
i wouldn't know.
and why's that?
i don't know. i've never been one to make end-of-the-year reviews and stuff like that. i mean i've tried, but it just never ends up working.
have you tried writing it down as you go?
i mean yeah, you have proof of that. but even so i don't find myself capable of summing things up. a lot of things have happened.
okay. so let's talk about the things that stand out to you.
sunday afternoon walks with her. crying at my graduation. buying a lot of semi-useless things that i enjoy. the train rides. the nap i had tuesday afternoon in the RTF building. when that boy stopped me and told me i looked really good. feeling really good. opening up my skin. and selfies, i guess.
are you sorry about any of those things?
i'm sorry for hurting myself. i'm sorry for seeing it as a way to deal with the onset of self-determined failure.
and how are you now?
i'm okay.
i'm okay.

sorry things have been so mellow and low and melancholy and quiet and dark around here lately. i promise to turn on the lights soon. this was written for my end-of-the-year review post that i never finished and thus never posted. but after reading it again, i think it ended nicely where it was. a lot of things happened last year that i don't remember, a lot happened that i do. and i can't summarize this year so far very well but i can tell you this: i said goodbye to someone i've known all my life last sunday. i cried a lot. we all did. it was hard and i'm going to miss her, but i know she'll be back and stronger than ever. i have to send her a letter soon. the next day, i slept over my friend's house who i've also known all my life. we stayed up past one and played rockband drum solos and pitch perfect and miss congeniality and the only drum solo i'm really good at is the final countdown. i would've made it to expert level but she didn't want to hear the song again so i'll have to play it when i go over there again. the next day, she and i and her siblings and our friends went to the rodeo. her sister bought me a wristband and i feel bad because she spent a lot of money on me but we had a lot of fun regardless. i rode quite a few rides. i screamed a lot. i laughed a lot. i ate a lot. but you know what? it was the first time in a really long time that i felt completely present. sometimes when i'm at church or at school or even at home, i don't feel like i'm completely there. i feel like some of me is missing, as though i'm halfway in a dream. but this time, i was all there. and it was so wonderful. i haven't felt this much nostalgia since i went to see la dispute with helayna last year (incidentally, that was a year ago today). the rest of this week felt weird. but i feel okay now. and i'm ready to go back to school. i guess there isn't really much of a point in me saying all this, i just wanted to. a lot of things are happening at the moment with school and life and friendships and stuff. but it's all okay. i have God on my side. 

-kiss kiss kiss, light jacket-
{pea ess: GUESS who's in a new tv show?! guess. it's peter pevensie. and i'm excited.}


let them spill their guts, cause one day they're going to slip on them (and God, sometimes i hope you do).

real talk.

i was taught that forgiveness was a big deal. and it is. it was engrafted into everything i was trained to be. if someone did something that i didn't like and it hurt me, we were supposed to come together and forgive. the following is a really bad example, but bear with me. imagine one of my friends says they don't like my drawing because i'm colouring outside the lines, and my feelings are hurt. and our moms say "hey that's not nice, you should apologize" and they do, and then my mom says "okay, they apologized to you, do you forgive them?" and my arms are folded and i'm scowling as much as my face allows, but i still roll my eyes and say "yes" and then hug them and then the whole thing is forgotten. how and why is that effective? sure, our first instinct after hurting someone is to reconcile. but are we doing that for them or are we doing it for us? and the real question is, when they've hurt us, what's really going on inside of our heads? do we really want to forgive them? are we ready to do it at that very moment in time?

i was taught that because Jesus died on the cross for our sins, everything we'd done or would ever do would be forgiven. but if you harbored unforgiveness in your heart and didn't forgive as God forgave you, you wouldn't be forgiven. so the way i saw (see) it was that if i didn't forgive on the spot i would go to hell. so for the longest time, when someone's asked me if i forgave them, i'd just say yes and leave because i didn't want to deal with the potential consequences of anything else.

or, what if you're told to apologize to someone, but you don't want to, because you're not sorry and they've hurt you and you don't want to forgive them? what then?

the point is, i have issues with forgiving people. if you hurt me bad enough i will ruin your reputation and i will not be sorry. sometimes people make me so angry i have to isolate myself so i won't be tempted to physical retaliate against them. because as you get older, forgiving is hard. especially when you can think for yourself and evaluate the situation in greater detail. i can't even tell you how many times i've gone to God and been like "listen, i'm having a hard time forgiving this person right now, and i can't do it by myself, so i'll need your help." at this point, i feel like nothing has changed. there are people who have done things to me repeatedly which makes forgiveness that much harder. so at this point, i'm terrified that if i don't simply find the balls to let it go, i'll go under.

i know my mom thinks (and is right) that i let people have too much power over me. and to be completely honest, i do. but here i am, too far in to turn back. and still unready to let it go.

obviously we need God a lot more than we let on.

-kiss kiss kiss, we got our riot gear on-
{pea ess: 2/3 of the title is via paramore's interlude "moving on."}
{pea pea ess: don't take that personally.}
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