a small update.


i'm sorry. 

it was my birthday last saturday. the 12th. i turned 19. and i didn't have a party, rather, i went to one. like a white elephant with my Bible study. and my Christmas ornaments were stolen from me several times because i kept picking the cool ones. and they made me homemade cake and bought my favourite ice cream and sang. and we watched it's a wonderful life and the little girls wiped my tears when i cried. i don't know that you understand. i stopped having parties because i didn't think i did them right. i didn't feel like people were interested in the things i enjoyed. things never ended up going the way i planned and it hurt too much to continue, so i stopped. but this birthday, i realized how glad i am to be alive. there are certain people in life that you know, and some that you see all the time, and there are some that are simply your forevers. and i know that i have found them when i find myself saying "i'm glad i didn't die before i met you." most of the time, it doesn't come out at all verbally. even rarer it manifests in a hug. but it is one of the most tangible things, as if catching the air. and it's so uncommon, like being struck by lightning. you feel it in your marrow the same way you know Christmas is coming. there are a lot of reasons why i decided not to kill myself a little less than three years ago. there are a lot of reasons why i am thankful, and that saturday, the 12th, in my maroon turtleneck and tartan wrap skirt, sitting next to nate on the couch crying with donna reed and jimmy stewart, eating dulce de leche ice cream, is one of them. i can't forget that like i've forgotten so many other things. some things are too important not to forget. 

do yourself a favour and look back, and say "look how far along i am now."
and if you don't feel as though you've gone anywhere, you can talk to me about it. it will be alright, my love.
it will be alright. 

-kiss kiss kiss, no rules we can stay-
{pea ess: boy have i been emotional lately.}


and when they say you can't, you can.

book is out. i'm sitting here sweating in my chair and listening to ambient music instead of jazz and the book is out. so go buy it. or several. now, you have no more excuses. whatever you want to do, do it. so long as it's good and true and right, i will support you, just as you have supported me. 
-kiss kiss kiss, holy dearest-
{pea ess: listened to aquaman to ring midnight in. isn't that just so sappy of me?}


my loneliness calls.

Lost Lands

i have had people leave in my life. i have been the odd one out. i have known what it is like to be left alone, and i want to treat people the way i wish they'd treat me. you are a gem, you are special, and someone is coming. they will not come, they are coming. there is a difference in tense. and the future will become the present, and the present will become the past, and you'll look back and say "look how far along i am now." <3

i think i wrote this in 2013. i just felt like someone really needed to read it. 
-kiss kiss kiss, don't you wanna dance-
{pea ess: book comes out thursday.}


chilled, sweet and smooth.

"things that say a lot about people: the way in which they treat the waiter/waitress; how they feel about the weather; whether they dog ear pages or highlight in books; fingernails and hands in general; their preferred creative outlet; how much they dread/enjoy talking on the phone; whether or not they drink coffee; if they ever forget to eat; how honest they are with themselves (and others); if they correct your grammar; and whether or not they get nervous before haircuts." via
i. sometimes, the saddest people are the kindest. and i like treating people the way i wish they would treat me.

ii. it was overcast this morning, the kind that told you it rained and the kind that made you wonder when it did. and that said it was going to be a good day, because i am particularly hopeful about non-sunny days. they highlight the possibility that i may be able to do something that makes me feel like i'm alive.

iii. i only started dog-earing and underlining a little before you did. and i think the first book i did that in is perks. if not perks, then tfios. and letting people borrow that book was like letting people borrow my insides. each time the book is given back to me, some of my insides are missing from before. but i do not mind, because if i let them dog-ear in it as well, their insides become a part of me, too.

iv. one time, i dug into my fingers so hard i made them bleed. dirt is not an option for me, and i've caught my piano teachers staring as i practiced phrases. but hands are a thing of beauty for me. they're made to get dirty but i prefer them clean. i like prominence, i love to see veins at work (typing, ballet, playing the piano) - especially with the young. hands are made to do something, and i like seeing them do.

v. leave me alone unless i love you. and if you love me, you will leave me alone.

vi. there is a silent conversation i have with myself when the phone is ringing. please answer. don't tell me it's a bad time. laugh, smile. make me feel like i'm worth the minutes. because too many times, the voicemail isn't a real person, and even if it is your voice, it doesn't feel the same.

vii. twice every two months, for my money's sake. sweet, warm, creamy. i'll take hot chocolate, even in the summer. on the rare occasion that it is inverted, i like chilled, sweet, and smooth.

viii. breakfast on saturdays. lunch on busy weekdays. sometimes i have to set an alarm, or ask my sister to come bug me about it. sometimes i think that in the event of fast-paced timeframe, i would forget to eat altogether. maybe that's why it's so important that i do eat. so i can slow it down; bring it home; adjust (take it all).

ix. i can lie to myself enough times that i will believe it is the truth (that doesn't mean i do; i have), but i can never lie to you. words fall through me / and always fool me / and i can't react ...  falling slowly / eyes that know me / and i can't go back.

x. if i don't know you, it may slip out. if i do know you, i will correct you knowingly. but if you love me, you will understand. (and chances are, if i know you, i'll love you.)

xi. it's usually over before i know it.

i've decided to go through my drafts and get them all published, so they're out there, and i can start afresh without so much buildup weighing me down. i wrote this in the summer of 2013, i think.
- kiss kiss kiss, dreaming of the green-
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