things about my blog that i miss.

i just got back from spending a good week and a half at camp and since then i've been really bored. like listening to my music without headphones slouching in my chair bored. and for some reason, all these old things i used to like came to mind. like film photography and cool summer evenings and cupcakes. and i was like "omg whatever happened to cupcakes," like "cupcakes were half my passion for this blog" and "i really miss baking, i think i'll look up some cool cupcake recipes." so i came across my all time favourite cupcake site again, and i got really hungry. and a little sad. and i started listening to the music i was obsessed with in 2013, like a fine frenzy and whatnot. and i remembered how much i wanted to make cool lil short videos and how i used to read kinfolk and how i LOVED making food and wanted to be a bestselling author and things like that. but mostly, i missed cupcakes. eating them. seeing them in person, making them from scratch. i missed having that sort of creativity pulse through my veins as if that was all i lived for. so i went through all her blog posts from like now to 2013 and savoured every single picture. and i remembered my old self as though i never left. this is probably weird and creepy and probably doesn't make any sense, but. next week i'm going to see my grandparents for the 4th and i think i'm going to make cupcakes while i'm there. or at least a cake. maybe this post is more about things about myself that i miss rather than things about my blog, but i should make more of an effort to bring these things back. because not everything deserves to die, right?

- kiss kiss kiss, vocalise -
{pea ess: all pictures from her site, duh.}
{pea pea ess: to the girl who sent me an email with two secrets that she turned into four wayy back in 2013, you're next.
i haven't forgotten about you. i love you. i'm sorry. you're next.}



just a small post to remind you all that i have a face and i'm using it to put videos on the internet. 
here are the latest four since i've fallen a little behind.
alright, you can carry on now.
-kiss kiss kiss, introspective beat-


i remember that day as a grey haze.

we are sitting on the green sofas that are basically the staples of the school... all the students will tell you "take a nap in the music building! some of the most comfortable couches you've ever slept on." and we're complaining. about the class, about how it was taught, about the information gap that ate at everyone's psyches. it's the last day, actually. this is the only thing that is keeping me from the freedom of summer, from the paramore concert, from everything. i don't want to do it, none of us do. but we have to.
"it's 1:57. i'm going in." i loosely organize my notes, grab my backpack and head down the ramp to the classroom.
"okay, i'll catch up with you in a minute." you don't look up from your notes.

inside, everyone is scrambling with their last-minute preparations -- things they didn't quite understand are being fed into their brain as if they hadn't eaten in weeks. when the teacher finally says that it's time, you've come in and placed your water bottle on the desk next to mine. i am the first in our column so he hands me a few tests to pass back. i look at it briefly before handing you yours and i breathe out a soft "oh my God," knowing i should've studied differently. i write my name down (that's always the easiest part), and extract all the information that's been sitting in my mind for the extent of the semester. i miss a lot of things, though i'm not exactly sure how much. i just know now that it was good enough.

i've only made a few friends during this class. one of which shares my major, so i see her at least three times a week. you and i, however, only speak for the first time when you are out of pencils and i am your convenient supplier. the second time is when time is when we both have a final project to finish. i remember that day as grey haze, with walk the moon's new album playing in the background. afterward, i wish we'd met sooner, because if we did, the class might've been more fun. it might've even been something to look forward to.

we are a little ways into the test. she (my other friend) has already left. i don't remember her saying goodbye, but i think she did. there aren't many of us left in the room now, and it's bordering on three o clock. we have three hours to take this test, and i just want to get out of here as soon as possible. i'm not sure how much more i have to complete when i see you get up. and i have to say i'm kind of sad, because this is it. there is nothing after this. you smile at me, packing everything away. i look up and smile back, sans teeth, as if to say "i'm too tired for this." you seem to understand.
"good luck," you whisper.

i don't watch as you leave because i need to get this done. this is the only thing that is keeping me from the freedom of summer, from the paramore concert, from everything. i never wanted to be here. i never wanted to take this test. but you made it better. you did something.

- kiss kiss kiss, i can feel the cold changing us -


alright, i just need to address something here.

i was going to start this post with how i just earned the right to vote and have just recently begun caring/learning about some of the big issues that seem to be dominating our world and social media. but forget that, let's just get straight to the point.

i'm really freaking tired of people being vague about their views and beliefs on things that matter. i HATE seeing tweets and facebook posts and instagram pictures that basically sum up what happened rather than express their opinion on it. i HATE when people use others to say what they want rather than saying it themselves or use statistics to prove someone's guilt or use God to sweep the issue under the rug rather than have it dealt with. Christians, i'm looking at you. 

i used to be one of those vague people. alright, it some cases, i still am. when the ferguson and baltimore riots became the center focus of the media, i was bombarded with differing opinions from my family and my peers (some of whom reside on social media). and while i sided with the majority of the opinions coming from my peers i was unsure of what to do with my family because i didn't want to disappoint them. you know how you grow up with a certain set of beliefs and you're expected to adhere to them because your parents do and when you don't, you're seen as some sort of heathen? yeah, i'm kinda going through that right now. that's not to say my parents and i have starkly different beliefs, but they're not the same anymore, they're just similar. i don't believe the deaths of mike brown or trayvon martin or eric garner were solely their faults. but i also don't hate the police and i do not feel right saying 'f the police' just like everyone else. i'm not opposed to rioting, but i'm not for the looting. just to stay safe, i settled in saying that these people had died, and that they weren't coming back, and that the mourning of the people who loved them was completely valid. all of these things are true. but in other aspects of the issue, i stayed quiet. i let myself get vague. and while a lot of these issues can be extremely complex, it's good to know what you stand for. not just have an idea. 

so the latest issue, the duggars. you should all have an idea of what happened considering all the attention it's gotten. what i have seen in the media are replicas of the following statements "i don't know how someone can take pride in digging up another person's past" and "they're not perfect, this just proves that" and "no sin is too great for God to forgive." the last two of these statements are true. but they are not the complete point. i wish people would stop being so vague and just say what josh did was wrong, plain and simple. i wish they'd understand that it is extremely hard to forgive and cannot be done quickly or easily. i wish they'd understand that sweeping this sin under the rug by saying "Jesus forgives" completely undermines the struggle people across the world experience after being abused. because while He does forgive, there are still things that have to be dealt with to make sure both parties are okay. do NOT defend anyone without knowing the whole story or knowing as much as you can. you have to remember that there are people who have gone through this. and it's a whole lot worse than you think. as for digging up another person's past, it's done. it has happened. it's over. and since it has been brought to light, we need to first and foremost recognize that this is wrong. and we need to stop being afraid to say that. end rant, drops mic, okay? okay.

{pea ess: please keep those abused in this horrible situation in your prayers. they seem to have been forgotten in this mess.}
{pea pea ess: my mom brought this up and i think it's spot on - whether or not josh was a believer when he hurt those girls, his being saved should NOT be an excuse for his deeds. sin is sin. and in situations like this (in any situation), it should not be swept under the rug just because you've confessed your love for Jesus. okay i'm done.}
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