i have a system by which i determine how close i am to people. i don't even realize it, it just happens and i go "oh. yeah." because it makes sense and i see how they've impacted me. and you know these are people who have been there through the most significant parts of my life. like november, for my major bout of depression and so many others who haven't left yet. and i think about the friends i've had since starting college and how i've known you since the beginning but we never clicked until this semester. and so so very quickly you became someone i love seeing everyday and someone i don't want to do this without. and i think about what would've happened if i kept swimming and whether or not i'd be in a different place right now and i don't want that because the people i know now wouldn't be there and you are entirely irreplaceable. and i am so glad i didn't die before i met you. and i am and always shall be your friend. and even when i graduate and you continue to impress the crap out of me from afar, i hope that i am now and will come to be remembered as someone who was a tremendous blessing in your life. and even if we are on different sides of the world, or in different worlds altogether, if you want me, i will come back. i want to repay you for everything you've already done even if you've felt useless. this is the most significant part of my life and you have been so patient with me, and you've listened and offered up all your support even if the midst of your problems. and it's nothing if i don't give it all back. so congratulations. i was first your favourite, and now you are mine.
i am the burning building. and i am also the match. and to think this would've been my goodbye.
a few things to note:
it was difficult to find something that i could look at and say "this is it. i am glad i stayed alive to see this, i am thankful for this." until i found it.
at this point, there are too many things i have to do to go anywhere. i would've missed my piano lesson.
i am glad i saw his studio.
i am glad i had this music so i could listen to this concerto.
i am glad i got to see you on wednesday.
there are always things in this world that will always make me happy to have stayed alive.
sometimes it just takes all my effort in finding them. like running a 5k. there are thresholds, you said.
and once you meet them and start talking it downhill, it's okay.
a threshold: the weather.
a threshold: the fact that my favourite sandals are broken.
downhill: waking up to the sun.
downhill: turning pages.
and to think this would've been my goodbye.
hello, i'm here, still alive, until i am satisfied.
i still don't want to go.
-kiss kiss kiss, faith is not blind-