3.23.2011

somewhere behind our tear stained eyes....

....the hinderence that makes our dreams cower lies within our soul. We are afraid of what lies ahead, and because we are afraid we won't fulfill our dreams, we eventually settle for less than what we planned for. The light was at the end of the tunnel, but we pushed ourselves back into dark. The hollow sound of our heart beating is a solemn comfort, but we long for the days we were vibrant, and alive. One choice rules over them all; one moment we wish we could relive. 
Quote by a conflicted me.
I realized that I've never ranted about anything before. Well, that's about to change. My day hasn't really been going so well, even though I was actually kinda happy for a little while, until something comes up and spoils it for me. And grilled cheesus, it happened ALOT today. I might just write it down like a novel...a little excerpt, though. Since I know how I rant on.
Anyway, I guess I'll get started. 
So, every morning I have this little...I guess you could say tradition, where I don't talk until I feel like it (feel like it, meaning brushed my teeth). Well, I brushed my teeth, didn't talk, then went downstairs and the first words out of my mouth after seeing Yahoo's headlines were "OHMYGOSH, Elizabeth Taylor died!!" I didn't cry, but I was sad. Actually, It'll be easier to say it like this:

Elizabeth Taylor passed away this morning, of congestive heart failure... The rest of the words turned into a blur before my eyes. She....she died. A tear droplet fell down my face silently, and it had disappeared before I could swish it away. 
Why did she have to die, God? I thought. There was no answer. But then again, I wasn't expecting one. 
I had had so many dreams and wishes concerning her. I wanted to meet her, to actually see her face to face, so that maybe one dream of mine would be completed. Just one. That was all I asked. But I had pondered on it for awhile, and realized that even though I was distraught about her death, maybe it wasn't really about her.
Dreams... the word whisked across my head. Dream: a visionary creation of the imagination. So, it's not real. Maybe dreams don't come true. After all, it is your imagination, and imagination is...something that the mind created. It does not exist in reality. I scolded myself. 
"Jocelyn, don't you say that!" I shook my head. "Your dreams are visions, and visions are real. And even if they aren't, you're going to make them real." Another though pooled into my head.
But what if it's for someone else to accomplish? What if I'll be the bystander for someone else's success
I sighed, and sat down at the computer. Blogging will make me feel better. Nothing else that is unhappy will happen to me again today.

"Nothing unhappy will happen to me today." Yeah, right. 
Have you ever had that feeling where you wanted something really badly, and then someone comes along and says you can't have it? They say that they hope you'll find something similar to what you want, but they rebuked you for wanting something they want, or something there friend wants. Then they say "Best wishes" or "have a nice day" at the end of there little speech.
Usually, I just smile, and leave it alone. It just makes me want what I want even more. For example, I want Peter Pevensie/William Moseley:
And say someone comes along and says "Sorry, you can't have him." Because they want him, or their friend does.
I totally respect the fact that you like what your friend likes (or something like that) but couldn't we just realize that maybe more than one girl likes him...maybe we don't have to get on defense about it...because maybe someone just might feel...hurt about it. Or discouraged from liking him.
Well, I discouraged from wanting what I want. That never happens. But this time it did. I don't know if my love for it is going to be refueled (I hope so) but...I lost some. Maybe to the satisfaction of the instigator or not. 

Sigh... I nearly lose interest in nothing. This day couldn't really get much worse, could it?
"Hey, Jocelyn!" I was broken out of my reverie, turning to see my friend, and fellow swimmer, Courtney come onto the deck. We were doing sit-ups, me, Courtney, and my other friend, Courtney. 
"Jocelyn," Courtney (B.) shook my shoulder playfully, but her face was solemn. "Don't tell her I told you this, but Lydia (let's call her Lydia) hates you."
My expression changed to one of alarm. "She does? Well..that's...not a surprise."
"Yeah," the blonde-haired girl went on, "She told Kristen who told me who just told you!"
Figures, I thought. But maybe she sees me as a threat...no, I don't think so. She likes Twilight, maybe that's it.
"I've been trying to be nice to her since Twilight came out," I said, sitting up and hugging my knees. "But she's always acted cold to me, like puberty keeps going nonstop."
Courtney (J.) giggled. 
"Eh, what do I care? I don't really see her as a..close friend anyway."

Then, on top of all that, we're 30min late to church. *sigh* I REALLY want a lightsaber right now. 
Whatever. It's life isn't it?
Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. 

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3 comments :

  1. Aww, what a crappy, crappy day, my friend! Hopefully today will be infinitely better! ;)

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  2. Oh my dear Jocee-----I'm so sorry you had such a lousy day!!! And hey, don't even THINK about that 'Lydia' person. If she wants to 'hate' you, then that's her problem. You have plenty of other people who love you, including us here on Blogger!!!!

    Hope you have a better day, my dear. *hugs*

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  3. I'm your new follower, because I totally fell in love with your blog and couldn't resist! :D

    ReplyDelete

sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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