4.19.2011

why do i feel so alone?

I have failed. Again. Today was going so perfectly terrifical (it's Terrifical Tuesday) and then, I go to swim practice. I never look forward to swim practice. I've been swimming for 8 years this summer and now I'm about ready to die. It was so fun, but now...even though so many good things have happened through swimming...it's all starting to go away. 
Everyone expects me to go to the Olympics and win a gold medal, but honestly, I just wanna survive high school and get a degree in music composition. 
After taking pictures, learning some things about HTML codes, getting the "Positively Perfect Week" idea, and pondering on making a photography blog, everything seems to go wrong. Your sister beats you up (literally), you smash your hand on a concrete/cemented wall, your dad questions your skill at swim practice and kinda laughs about it....and everything just goes downhill.








You know those days where your parents do something to upset you, and when they try to apologize, you say you forgive them, but on the inside, you're thinking "Go away. It's not helping. When you tick me off, don't say you're sorry, that's for five year olds. I'll forgive you when I'm good and ready." I admit I've had that feeling in my life. I have forgiven my parents, but I can't help but think "why did they do that?" and "why couldn't they just have kept it to themselves?"
I now present to you a little poem/long quote that I came up with. Warning. It's sad. I write what I feel...and this is what I'm feeling:


Why do I feel so alone?
Why am I just a typical face in the crowd, and when someone sees me they smile, but their mind is elsewhere?
Why don't I matter, why am I not important?

It feels like I always lose. 
When the world is celebrating their victory, I'm locked up in the shadows, sulking in my           defeat.
    
I've excepted the fact that life is unfair, and that I must stand strong in times of trouble,       but each day there's a peg that's slowly beating me down. 
   A little faster, a little harder, and soon I may not have the strength or courage to go on. 

I go on in my life excepting hurt and pain, and I don't show any emotion at all.
I pretend like I don't mind it, like I've gotten used to it, but deep down inside there's a blow that's sinking down, and it will be hard to get out. 

Why does the door always shut itself in my face?
Why does the darkness always take over the light?
Why do I feel so alone?
I don't want to feel so alone.

Third post of the day...I'm tired, beaten down...and just plain old upset. 
I'll feel better tomorrow. Tomorrow's the first day of "Positively Perfect Week" (even though it's the middle of the week) and everything will be totally lovely-happy. 
I'll feel better tomorrow. 
I promise.

10 comments :

  1. I'm so sorry about your day, Jocee!!!!
    It is hard to forgive our parents, especially when it seems like they're just there to annoy us. But hey----tomorrow is another day. (:

    Love always,
    ~Lily

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  2. I'm sorry about your day. :(
    But as Lily said in her comment, Tomorrow is another day!!

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  3. This post could have been written by me, on some days! You're not alone! I wish I could give you a hug. :( But seriously, I'm a crappy swimmer even though I've been doing it since I was six. Some days....(shakes head). I hope you feel better! Go read a nice book and eat cupcakes and listen to the Tangled/How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack. :(

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  4. Aww... I'm sorry that you've had a bad day. :( I know how you feel. And ouch- smashing your hand on a concrete wall sounds like it hurts!

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  5. I'm sorry your having such a horrrible day Jocee :( I send you a virtual cupcak *sends cupcake* I'll be praying for you!

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  6. Aw Im sorry Jocee - I know how that whole forgiving parents when they apologize thing is hard -
    I hope tomorrow is better for you!

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  7. I'm so sorry....That must be terrible. Your sister really beat you up?? That's not cool...:(
    Trust in God...I hope tomorrow will be a good day for you! Just think about Peter! :) LOL

    Bethany. :)

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  8. I'm sorry you had a bad day hun :(. I totally know the feeling... my parents irritate me too sometimes.

    But like Lily said, tomorrow is another day!! Keep your chin up. It'll get better. Promise.

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  9. I'm sorry, Jocee! I'll be praying today is a wonderful day for you!

    I love that poem. Even though it's sad, I love it. It describes me well on certain days.

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  10. Aw Jocee! Don't be sad!!! SMILE!! =) But i am sorry about your day!

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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