8.30.2012

personal.

written wednesday.
as carlotta said in one of her posts awhile back: "my blog is not a dumping ground." i don't want mine to be, and i have tried so hard for it not to be (though sometimes i haven't done it very well), and i don't want there to be a 'but' in this, so i will say that i will wholeheartedly try not to dump all of my personal crap in this post. however, there is something i want to tell you, so i guess i'll get started.

if you haven't read this, then you'll have to to understand what's going on. i don't want to repeat all of it here to spare you the trouble of reading so much, but the bottom line is: yesterday, my parents called me into their room for a conversation, and they gave a very long speech, if you will, on saying how they're for me and not against me and they love me, but they're making me go back to swimming. a positive and a negative, yes?

basically, i cried really hard. i begged my mother like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum to let me workout at the gym. develop my own sets, my own meal plan, so i could stay in shape on my own. she said she heard me, but her expression was the sort that said "i'm not listening, i'm not wavering." and i know from experience that crying isn't the way you get things, but i didn't know what else to do. i was heartbroken. i even felt a little depressed.

so that day, i went to swim clinic. for the hour that i was there, i came to the realisation again and again that i didn't belong. i wasn't one of them anymore. i didn't have the prospects they had, the goals. any goals, for that matter. i began over thinking again, immediately like i used to. there was so much stress that i didn't see a way out.

monday evening, daddy came home with the mail. among the bills were two packages, and one was addressed to daddy, as usual, but one was addressed to me, from an address i didn't recognise until i saw the name above it. katie.

on her blog, she made a lookbook for for a friend. i commented and jokingly asked her if she'd make me one. you know how bloggers are. and recently, i got an email saying that she'd finished a lookbook for me and she asked if i could send it. so, of course i said yes. monday evening, it arrived when everything was normal, and and since looking through it, i can't say i've possessed anything more lovely in my life. except, of course, the Word of God.

in this lookbook, there are two envelopes. one says "open when in need of inspiration," and the other says "open when in need of encouragement." since the news yesterday, i'd been very low. so i figured that this was as good a time as any to open the envelope.
untitled.you've got mail.
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there were quotes from some of my favorite authors and some that i hadn't immersed myself in before. c.s. lewis, elizabeth edwards, stephen chbosky and others. but neither of them seemed to help. they didn't seem to do it for me or relate to my situation. but there was one more slip of paper left, and with a heavy heart, i turned it over. 
Photobucket
we can rejoice when we run into problems and trials, for we know they develop endurance, which develops strength in character, which strengthens our confident hope of salvation. and this hope will not lead to disappointment, for God loves us dearly.
romans 5:3-5
right at that point, i started to cry. sob. curl up into a fetal position and bawl. because that was it. that was what i needed. in her letter to me, katie said every page, every word, ever letter of what was in that lookbook meant something to her, and she hoped that it would mean something to me. and here it was, in the palms of my hands; ink stained with large, round drops of tears that soothed the irritation in my eyes.

i have to admit, i'm still worried about the next few days, and i guess i should ask for prayer, but i just wanted to say (in this little novel of mine, considering the length of this post) that there are certain people that are put in your life at the right time. and while they're there, i should hope you'll say thank you.
so here's to you, katie. go eat a cupcake. 
-kiss kiss kiss, this too shall pass-
{pea ess: i like b+w, okay? don't judge me.}

26 comments :

  1. Oh my God. I am so crying right now. I had hoped and prayed that something, anything in that book would be of some help to you in life, and I'm so glad that that verse was it. You are amazon love, and He will get you through anything. He will give you a content and peaceful heart if you'll accept it. And always remember, nothing happens 'just because', and He is always there. Oh, I'm here too, so yeah (:

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    1. oh crap, this is what happens when I type things on my phone. You're not AMAZON, you're AMAZING! lol

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    2. haha i saw that and thought maybe it was some cool new word for amazing. :)

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    3. Hahahaha, YES.

      Jocee is amazon.
      *gasp*.

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  2. oh jocee. this is so heartbreaking. and even though i can completely understand this, i have no words to offer except that God put this in your lap for a reason. He's given you another chance...for reason only He knows right now. as sick as it is to hear it, we can do nothing but wait upon His timing. He never gives us more than we can handle. so, hard as this is, He knows you're strong enough to get through it. i'm praying like crazy for you girlie. <3

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  3. I like black and white best. (: You are lovely.

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  4. This post is so encouraging. Thank you for sharing <3
    I've been through some really tough things this summer, and that verse, Romans 5: 3-5, got me through it all. it gave me the courage I needed when I was about to give up. Its by far my favorite verse so far.
    Praying for you, this to shall pass! <3

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  5. aww Jocee, I'm sorry. ditto everything other-katy/ie said. especially the 'nothing ever happens just because'. those words are so, so true. it may take a while to see, and you might even never actually realize it fully, but God has a purpose.

    I'm going through a similar experience regarding my parents and speech and debate. the similarities of the situation are actually quite shocking. moral of the story? thank you thank you, thank you for this post. it encouraged me greatly.

    and here's a hug, just for good measure. *hug*

    cheers,
    -katy

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  6. jocee, love, this is amazing. ♥ you are so right that God puts certain people in your life at just the right time. praying for you. ♥

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  7. aw, Jocee, i was seriously crying right now. things never just happen. they always happen for a reason. praying for ya, girlie, and so glad Katie's sweet package encouraged ya.

    big hug from Arizona!
    xo,
    Mikailah

    www.maid4him.blogspot.com

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  8. This is such a lovely sweet post <3
    xo Heather
    http://ahopelessnotebook.blogspot.com/

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  9. oh my goodness. what an amazing story. that's awesome!
    just remember, "when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer." (a quote from good old samwise. :)

    abbie / xoxox

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  10. Aw, I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. But it's also really inspiring how the Lord, through Katie, blessed you and encouraged you with His amazing Word. Never forget that every little (and big) thing that happens is part of His great plan and that even though you might feel awful now, He'll get you through it, and you will come out a lot stronger and wiser. I promise. Just know that I'll be praying for you, you awesome, inspiring, lovely girl. Stay strong in Him! :)

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  11. Awww that's lovely :) And I'm praying for you :) Things will get better
    Kimmy x

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  12. aw, sweetie! praying for you! how awesome to get something like that in the post :-) enough to cheer anyone's day up!

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  13. awe, hoping it gets better! but, the lookbook...how awesome is awesome?

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  14. ♥ (((Hugs Jocee)))) ♥ prayers being sent your way ♥
    xx

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  15. Jocee, If I could write a letter to my 15 year old self part of it would say this -

    "Dear Mary, Work out EVERY DAY. At least one hour, EVERY DAY! Walk, run, jog, swim, roller-skate, whatever, just do something for at least an hour every day. (that's only 4 percent of your day!!) and when the coach at school asks you if you want to join the field hockey team - DO IT!! you'll make good friends and keep your body moving. When you take that weight lifting class in college and the coach says at the end of the semester that you're the most improved student - RUN with that and take another PE class that sounds interesting. Don't stop moving!!!"

    The Lord knows you have more strength than you even think you do. You'll get through this!!

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  16. Hello,

    Your name has come up a few times around the blogesphere. Thought I would introduce myself,
    I'm Jillian.

    Now as far as this post is concerned.
    I know.
    Swimming was something I hated but did anyways to keep my parents happy anyways.
    And it was so cold, made me so hungry, and my skin so pruney.
    I'd feel exactly how you're feeling now if I was forced to go back to it.

    That lookbook was so beautiful. What a blessing.

    Nice to meet you,
    Jillian

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    1. GURL. i just left you a comment on your blog! seriously. what are we, soulmates?

      thank you so much for understanding. all of you. i am so blessed by your sweet words.

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  17. Oh, Jocee... I know exactly how you feel. You have no idea. Seriously, we should talk on the phone sometime. Email me for my number if you ever want to talk. :) Praying always. xo

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  18. oh jocee, i'll be praying for you!! i hope everything turns out right in the end...that package looks like it could brighten up any one's day, what a special surprise! :)

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  19. Wow. God is watching over you Jocelyn. He won't give you anything more than you can bear. He is testing and refining you through fire. It hurts. But it is goood. Because God is goood. No matter what. Love you girl.

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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