in which i try to explain my feelings and the past few days.

 

 

 

 

 

i now know that feeling. that feeling when an orchestra plays your song? yeah. it's a pretty good feeling. you're not sure whether you want to laugh or cry, but goshbubbles you can't stop smiling. there's a little aching knot in the pit of your stomach that tells you, it's your song. that's your song. 

i understand that many composers don't have the privilege of having their composition played by a full orchestra, much less a real-live musician, excluding yourself playing on the piano. but at age fifteen i'm proud to say that i've had that privilege. the first of many. my entire family was crying. my fellow composers {all boys, i might add} all commuted in the lobby and also cried. i signed autographs for the first time. me-oh-my, i do have to work on my handwriting.

and that was all on thursday. friday, i snagged the third volume of kinfolk at anthro, shopped with family and got all dressed up for my homeschool formal dance, which, i have to admit, was amazing. and let's not forget to mention ihop with all of my friends at one-thirty in the morning. a 5k at eight am that morning? oh yes, i did that too. still insanely sore, as well. the family began to leave that day, and only grandma sugar was left.

so, after church yesterday, we ate dinner at her house and it was the first time i actually got the chance to lounge about and relax. the photos above are my excursions in the front yard. now, grandma sugar is at the airport getting ready to fly back home, and it's rather quiet in my house, so i'm indulging in relaxation right now, too.

gosh, you guys. that feeling. i can't shake that feeling.

listening to: secondhand white baby grand - smash {seriously makes me cry.}
quote love: "and so i stared at the words until they didn’t make sense anymore and my eyes filled to the brim with tears and i realized that no matter how much hatred i could store in my heart for him, i’d still love him." -by me

-kiss kiss kiss, we are all fools in love-
{pea ess: "listening to" and "quote love" bit via katie.}
{pea pea ess: unfortunately no video or sound recordings of my piece can be reproduced, because it is strictly prohibited by the orchestra. however, stay tuned! it'll probably be in a movie in fifteen years.}

a birthday letter for you.

dear william, 

first, i want you to know that i currently have cupcakes in my house and that i ate a red velvet one and a white chocolate raspberry one in your honor. i should hope that by the time you read this letter {if you do} you'll have eaten and/or made plans to eat a cupcake. because cupcakes are cool. amen.

i think i first saw you in july of 2005, back when the lion, the witch and the wardrobe previews were starting to turn up. i was eight years old then, and i remember wanting to see that movie with a passion. i wasn't sure if i was going to, however, because it was rated PG and back in those days the letters PG were a confidentiality zone. i think i begged my parents to let me go. and then, on december 9th, 2005 at 2:40pm, i did, with my best friends and my dad.

ever since then, you've been my favorite. i think with you came my forever love of british people. my knowledge of the existence of cadbury chocolate. the love of hot tea. the longing to reign in narnia. speaking of which, i've been there many-a-time. haven't i seen you?

my friends haven't been exactly supportive of my choice of movies and favorites. they say you've had your glory days and that they're over. that narnia has come and gone. i mean, people will talk. but that doesn't mean i have to listen to them.

on may 17th, 2008 at 2:25pm, i saw prince caspian. no matter what anyone says, i think that one was my favorite. the score, the acting, the suspense and the action. you have done your part in making my childhood absolutely timeless, and i thank you for that. even if you were only in voyage of the dawn treader for about 2min and 38sec, i enjoyed every bit of it.

so now it's seven years later, and you're 25. getting up there, i have to say. i'm 15 and narnia hasn't aged to me one bit. you just finished run and you're working on the selection, and i'm waiting for the day you win your oscar/present mine {film scoring} in about fifteen more years.

but seriously. you should totally have a cupcake.

happy 25th, william peter moseley. you're still my favorite.

-kiss kiss kiss, i have it sorted-

{pea ess: the concert. oh. man. the concert. like, dude the concert. john williams would be so proud.}

we interrupt this program for an important message from my sister.

{i'm sorry about all the black and white, you guys. but c'mon! it's so pretty. can't resist.}
Joy: -gasp- your blogger friends all have blogs? oh my gosh! that's amazing!

and now back to your regularly scheduled posting.
-kiss kiss kiss, i will go down with this ship-

{pea ess: yes, she seriously said that. no, i don't know what's wrong with her. she's six.}

{pea pea ess: today's the day! i'm so excited.}

thursday couldn't come sooner.

i'll refresh your memory if you forgot, or tell you for the first time.

i want to be a composer when i grow up. film composer, to be exact. so last may my mom told me about the texas young composer's competition, held by the austin symphony orchestra. you submit one original orchestral score, complete with the tunings and all that jazz, and if you win, you and some other composers get to have your works featured and premiered by the austin symphony for all to hear.

so, i entered, i'm one of the winners {the first and only female}, and the concert is tomorrow. and i'm pretty  darned excited. i had my rehearsal with the symphony last night. you guys, it's so beautiful. i can't, i just can't, believe i wrote it. i'm so blessed by Daddy God. i mean, he gave me this gift in the first place.

so tomorrow we'll deck ourselves out and eat at maggiano's in the domain, and then head down to the long center for the performing arts. and the best part? aunt mary said there will be cupcakes. gah. 

thursday couldn't come sooner.

-kiss kiss kiss, all that jazz-

{pea ess: if you're in my area and you wanna come, here.}

{pea pea ess: i was interviewed on the radio today! i feel so special. okay. time for math.}
{pea pea pea ess: i'll try to see what i can do about a video or something. i may not be able to for copyright reasons, but we'll see.}

it's about time i wrote a letter to myself.

dear me,
you need to realize that it's okay to cry. it's okay to screw up and misuse your words because you'll know there's a better way of doing to next time. just brew a pot of tea and listen to the John Dunbar Theme and My Week with Marilyn soundtrack and think about how you'll have them kissing your feet one of these days.

i know it's hard being a teenager. life either seems to be going by so far or painfully slow, but you'll survive. just this past saturday your friends put you down for your "wanting to be caucasian" and your sadly unsocial, homeschooled life. you don't have to be just like them. rap music is gross.

stop thinking you're not good enough for him. even if you aren't. stop judging yourself for your skin color. i've looked at you in the mirror everyday. seen the way your eyelashes curl back without force and the slight pink in your cheeks, and the way your lips change their form throughout the course of the day. you are beautiful. inside and out. i bet he'd notice if he knew you.

please, stop worrying about your future. stop worrying about swimming and what people think and stop worrying about tomorrow. you have awhile until college, and once you get there you'll have gotten all the insight and all the skills you needed to acquire. promise-promise. i'm pretty sure God's got it all under control, so keep calm and eat much cupcakes.

you don't need to find him. he'll find you, and while we're on that subject, eli isn't worth it. 

lastly, there is no "try to live", darling. you either live or you don't live. however, it's whether you live fiercely or scarcely, that changes your perspective. live now. live full. live beautiful.

i'm crying as i write this to you. and i don't put an age on this letter, because who knows what day in age it will be when you need to read it.

-kiss kiss kiss, quite at my leisure-

{pea ess: a letter to tom hiddleston? i think yes.}

spring it on.

the weekend was abnormally cool in the shade, blazing hot in the sun, and still blazing hot in the half-sun/half-shade. because that's texas for you. friday doesn't necessarily count as my weekend, because i have school, and i may or may not remember exactly what i did on friday {but it has to do with composing and a whole pepperoni pizza}, but on saturday i spent the remainder of my morning and half of my afternoon with my friends at a picnic. and that cute little girl up there? that's zarria. and zarria and i have a special word: goshbubbles. and she seriously thinks my name is goshbubbles. cool, no?

there's been an abnormal {that word again} amount of rain this month, so the may flowers are coming quite a bit early. this week will be rather busy, considering my composer's concert is this week {yay!} and my whole family is coming to see it. i should tell you more about that, shouldn't i? okay. sometime before the rapture.

lately, i've been actually liking spring. i'm paying more attention to those little things, and i've been thinking about him. i could spend forever thinking about him.

and that concludes my virtual rambling about rambly sort of things. so. doesn't that cupcake look really good? patriotic, too.
-kiss kiss kiss, rock/paper/scissors/lizard/spock-

{pea ess: faq video will be up before the rapture. promise promise.}
{pea pea ess: the other girl in the photos? that's jasmine. she's totes photogenic.}

darling i haven't forgotten.

i remember us when we 

were young. 

we'd talk about ducks and

tornadoes and

we wouldn't know better. 

we wouldn't care. 

i don't think i had a better friend

than you at the time. 

that time when the void didn't

exist. 

and then we got older.

i started to love you,

and we drifted

apart,

like clouds in an 

open sky.

and then the 

void came. 

i fell into the 

labyrinth of platonic 

handshakes and desperate looks from

your friends.

and you just let me 

stay there.

it's been a 

month. 

a month since i wished

you would hug me. 

the gap between our friendship is

widening, i can't see 

hope for us anymore. 

the thing is, darling

i haven't forgotten. 

i just don't know if 

you 

remember.

happy sixteenth birthday, eli. i'm still waiting for that hug.
{pea ess: the eli saga, if you want to know all of it. here and here.}

{pea pea ess: the poem that inspired me to do this, by carlotta. swear, it'll make you cry. it's the poem in the photo, i wrote it down so i'd always remember, too.}

everything is more beautiful in black and white.

it's enchanting, really

looking into a world without color

it's the way we imagine the 20's and the 30's 

when we watch the film grain on the screen.

and we look at our world today and realize, 

with all it's bustling pedestrians and messy subways

that we need to stop and edit the hues we see, 

because everything is more beautiful in black and white.

-kiss kiss kiss, hug steel wool-

{pea ess: nine days until he's 25.}

just little things {142-170}

142. when the car tires are moving so fast they look like they're going backwards.
143. people-watching through a cafe window.
144. winning something.
145. getting something in the mail.
146. eating the last of the cereal.
147. when the sun wakes you up.
148. the satisfaction of scratching an itch.
149. when your favorite movie comes on tv.
150. memorizing tv commercials.
151. finding out your favorite actor was in one of your favorite shows.
152. the sun after the rain.
153. the excitement when the presents are starting to go under the tree.
154. april showers and early may flowers.
155. impromptu shopping trips.
156. eating all the cookie dough.
157. the way he says your name.
158. the way he talks.
159. sitting in your favorite spot on the couch.
160. the way he communicates with his eyes.
161. having something to look forward to.
162. finally remembering what you were going to say.
163. taking that photo.
164. realizing it's saturday.
165. chewing spearmint gum and breathing cold air out of your mouth and nose. .
166. your shadow during the golden hour.
167. finishing school early.
168. realizing it's almost summer.
169. getting it the first time.
170. imagining he loves you back.

-kiss kiss kiss, cereal killer-
{pea ess: i promise, a real post soon. i seem to be obsessed with lists and things.}
{pea pea ess: i'm going a q&a vlog soon. i mean, kimberly made it adorable, so i think it'd be fun. the questions were originally meant for my faq, but now i think it'd be cool to just answer random things you want to know about me. so. please limit three questions per person so you don't die of jocelyn-talking boredom.}

moments with mommy, v.iv

-me and mommy in the car sucking lollipops and talking about hipsters-

Me: hipsters have messenger bags. not backpacks, messenger bags.

Mom: what's a messenger bag?

Me: it's.. a really nice bag. 

Mom: do people carry messages on it?

Me: .... you've got to be kidding me.

she seriously said that and, for the record, still doesn't know what a messenger bag. i love my mom.

-kiss kiss kiss, bolivian eagle- {as opposed to american eagle.}

weekend.

to me, the weekend sort of feels like the weekend. your body actually knows it's friday, saturday or sunday, and the energy that seems to have left you monday through thursday has come back. this weekend in particular, i've been getting over a cold, prepping for next week, and photographing the early may flowers that seem to have graced my neighborhood {the photos are sort of a sneak-peek for a later post.}

on a different note, i've been thinking about things. william moseley's birthday is in twelve days now, yesterday was the day where it should've been rose {titanic anniversary}, and i'm pondering about boys, and fangirling, because only i would think about those things on a constant 24/7 basis.

right now is sort of lazy. we had lasagna for dinner, the clouds must've watched the notebook because it's sopping wet outside, and i just finished a dessert of orange sorbet because mommy ate all of my apple gallette. math tutoring in nine minutes. delicious {<< sarcasm at it's best.}

happy weekend, all. 

-kiss kiss kiss, backstrap-

{pea ess: thinking about a new giveaway. ideas?}

fiction fridays, part one.

{this new blog series is inspired by rachel of elephantine, who on fridays, writes short stories in her desire to, just like me, become a novelist.}

oo1. blush

Cara actually doesn't like coffee. But if there is one thing university taught her, it's that if you have a Starbucks cup in your hand, it makes you look like an intellectual. She figures there's nothing wrong with being an intellectual, so she takes trips to Starbucks every now and then to keep her reputation in tact. However, she cheats a little each time. Instead of coffee, she buys tea or hot cocoa, and possibly a scone, and sits in the little shop with her laptop, catching up with her friends and doing work. And no one can tell the difference. 

    Today is the first day Cara's stepped into her friendly-neighborhood Starbucks since it's been remodeled. The tile is fresh, the countertops are waiting for their first drop of caffeine to be spilled on them, and the cushions on the chairs seem to beckon her to sit. The only thing that's the same from last time is the smell. The smell of coffee beans being prepared into a scorching hot drink. The smell of chocolate being mixed in. The smell of vanilla and sugar, and maybe a whiff of orange from the cranberry-orange scones that are just now being set into the display cabinet.

    Cara walks to the counter, pocketbook open, and scans the menu, even if she knows exactly what she's going to get.

    "One small zebra hot cocoa, and a cranberry-orange scone." There's a certain cheeriness in her voice, like a child who just walked into a candy store.

    As she pays, she can't help but notice the barista behind the counter. He's knew here, she thinks. He's tall, 6'2 she imagines, with dark curly hair that is neither black nor brown. When he speaks to a fellow employee, she recognizes the R's in his accent and immediately concludes that he is British. His eyes are bright, and from different angles they can be see as both blue and green. His cheekbones are prominent and his hands large. 

    She can't see his name tag, so Cara just says "thank you", and takes her cocoa and scone to a booth. She can't help but notice their hands lightly brushed when she took the cocoa. She smiles a little. 

    She has no laptop today, just her journal, so she pens down this event, alternating with sips of warm chocolate and glazed scone. Pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, she reads her work, spilling a drop of cocoa onto the page. 

    "A souvenir for later years?" She says, closing the notebook and putting in into her messenger bag.

    Cara sees no harm in it, so she slips a five in the Mason jar labeled tips at the counter and smiles at the barista. He smiles back, with a warmness she's never seen before, and his name tag comes into view. It reads: Eddie.

    "Thanks, Eddie," she says in a half-whisper. He nods and says "you are welcome",  and she finishes the remainder of her scone as she walks out of the door. 

    This isn't the sort of story that ends with a horse-drawn carriage rolling into the sunset, nor a story that ends with a broken heart. But it's the sort of story that ends with a woman in her early twenties, with auburn brown hair and hazel eyes, blushing as she begins her car ride home.

-kiss kiss kiss, pomegranate cheeks-
{pea ess: 100,731 pageviews? dang, that's alot. thank you all!}

be jelly.

hi. so, guess what daddy brought home from his company-meeting-party-person-thing-whatever he went to! oh, wait. you don't have to guess. well, since you don't have to guess, i oblige you to swoon.

 

honestly the best cupcake i've had since sprinkles was at neiman marcus. and while we're on subject, guess what else daddy brought home? a crystal bowl from tiffany&co, because my dad is beastly. i feel like holly gollightly. now all i need is a kolache and some coffee. 

or maybe hot cocoa and a cupcake, because cupcakes are cooler and i don't drink coffee. but anyways, be jelly. what's your favorite flavor of cupcake?

-kiss kiss kiss, hey boo boo-
{pea ess: william moseley's 25th birthday is in fifteen days. start the count down, you guys.}

finding your niche.

since this post, i've been rethinking blogging. since before this post, i've been rethinking blogging. i don't know if you've noticed i haven't been blogging nearly as much as i used to. the time that i could've spent blogging, i spent writing countless drafts of posts that didn't even fit the type of person i was. so yeah, inspiration was lacking. but while it was lacking, i was exploring.

as you might know, i'm updating my faq. someone asked me why i blogged. i wrote a post about it some time ago, but now, i realize i don't rightly know why i blog. i mean, yes: i blog because here i can be myself. but myself? the blogging world is constantly changing, and i find i'm sort of changing with it, and i don't exactly know who i am anymore.

let's think about it for a moment: when i first started blogging, i wasn't into photography. i wasn't into fashion. i liked it, but i wasn't constantly dressing up to go to walmart or anything. i didn't know hipsters existed. but as i expanded my reading list, i realized everyone else was. and that to be really successful like them, well, when in rome you do as the romans.

let's look at me today, shall we? just got her first dslr. has a mac. overdresses for everything and wannabe crafts like crazy. this isn't me. the mac is, actually {extenuating circumstances}, but everything else came with the desire to fit in. to be noticed. i've actually bought something from antropologie. last year i didn't even know what that was. this isn't my niche. i want it to be, but this isn't naturally who i am.

my niche is honesty. my niche is finding people like me and saying all the things i wish i could say for real and actually be understood. this is the thing that i'm comfortable with. the thing i've realized i'm pretty good at. if i'm allowed to say so.

so, i'm not going to give up all those other things. i still like photography. i like exploring my options on what i can wear. i like creating new things. but i'm not going to give up who i really am. and besides that, i'm not really into the whole hipster-guys-with-Bible-beards-thing. not cool.

have you realized your niche yet?
-kiss kiss kiss, think think think-

i like quiet.

making peach cobbler has been postponed until later this evening, due to a spontaneous trip to the park by daddy and joy {he owes me and mommy pie crust from grandma's house}. mommy's napping in her room, and i just got back from an escapade into the backyard.

photography is like playing an instrument, really. it can be taken quickly, with excitement; allegro. or it can be done slowly, with care; adagio, ritardando. like on the piano, when the last note is played and you listen to the sound fading slowly into nonexistence. a fermata of sorts. photography is suspension of time. instrumental notes suspended, hanging in the air. the notes of life, i suppose. it's pretty cool, isn't it?

mommy's up now, she's sitting on the couch, and we're about to work on an essay that's due conveniently {i lie, totally not convenient} tomorrow. i hope daddy's home soon with that pie crust.

-kiss kiss kiss, leggo my eggo-

{pea ess: new blog design coming soon? i think yes.}

late evenings and early nights.

this is what right now looks like:

contemplating a cup of tea.

tomorrow is my Savior's anniversary of his rising from the dead. tomorrow, i celebrate with thank yous and i love yous and worship, and stalking my friends with this new camera of mine, which i have successfully named effie pictrisha. thank you abbie and hunteress.

-kiss kiss kiss, effie approves-

le happy to the infinite power.

this le happy is special. why? because. i may or may not be the proud owner of a brand new canon eos rebel t3i. i may, and i'm not going to say otherwise. so, my mom entered a canon camera raffle-thing at south by southwest this year, right? you just signed up and if you won you got the t3i. she won. and she doesn't do photography. so who's camera is it? it's mine!! some photos:

 

 

 

i don't have to dream about it anymore. now, what to name it?

other le happy:
waffles for breakfast
queso for dinner
photography excursions
canon t3i + lens
memorizing beethoven
bokeh
hot tea
good friday {thank you, Jesus}
the ever humble and genuine tom hiddleston 
videography
board games
pom-poms
new dresses
fuzzy slippers
kinfolk
fresh strawberries + blackberries
everything

-kiss kiss kiss, finally-
{pea ess: updating my faq. ask me something.}
{pea pea ess: number two of sixteen before sixteen is complete.}

moments with mommy, v.iii

source

-in the car on the way home from music composition-
Me: so, in the end, he knew she was prego all the time and-
Mommy: wait, wait. she was spaghetti sauce?
Me: no! mom, she was pregnant. you know. prego, preggers, etc.
Mommy: so we now call expecting women canned tomatos?
Me: -le sigh- mother, it's just an abbreviation.
Mommy: well, i'm just checking. you never know what those hipster people will come up with next.
Me: oh goodness goshbubbles.
Mommy: mm-hmm.

that's so my mom.
-kiss kiss kiss, best day ever-
{pea ess: i can't tell you why it's the best day ever, but it involves a camera. stay tuned.}

dear eli,

you don't know how many times i've started to write this letter. and by started, i mean "dear eli," and then the rest was all a blank page. i can never find the right words to say to you. the right words that won't get you thinking about the wrong thing.

it was nice to see you on saturday, at the film festival. i sure as heck didn't think i was going to. i walked out of a movie and was on my way to another and out of nowhere, your mom showed up. hey! have you seen eli yet? he's around here somewhere... and that's when my stomach dropped from outer space. oh, crap, i muttered, he's here? and we parted ways. i started to breathe quickly, violently. i felt like i was going to die. i went for a glass of water to think it'd numb the pain in my lungs. my stomach. everything.

when i walked outside and saw you there, with your mom and your friend, you looked different. taller, i guess. with your hair cut and trying to grow, and it was all the same color. no dye this time. i stretched my arms out for a hug and you extended your hand. so i dropped my arms. you shook my hand like we'd never met before. never met before. eli, i've known you for almost ten years! i know our friendship hasn't been the best, but really.

so we walked into the last movie. journey to jamaa. i tried to concentrate on the movie. and it was wonderful. but i couldn't help but think about how you shook my hand. and i cried. i cried because i realized you still think i like you. sounds childish, and it sort of is. but all i want now is to be your best friend. no strings attached, like the way it was when we were six and seven and seven and eight.

after the movie i dried my tears. tried to talk to you and your friend, forgive me i can't remember his name. the whole time you looked at me, looked at each other, and smiled as if to say, we've got to get away from her. i told you she still had a thing for me. so i did. that was like, two years ago! who freaking cares now?!

and after awhile, you all left. i could still hear myself in the subject as you walked away. the thing is, i imagined seeing you again so many times. but that night, when it happened, i was betrayed. my mind betrayed me. my heart betrayed me. my body betrayed me in the form of a blush. and then i realized that we're pretty much screwed. we can't go back and pretend this never happened?

when i got home, i cried so hard that i thought i was going to go blind. yeah, i know i messed up our friendship by developing a crush. a harmless crush. i just want a hug and i want to know that it's all okay.

i love you, too.
jocelyn.

-kiss kiss kiss, cry me a river-
{pea ess: some songs that go with my mood. here, here, and here.}

one last cupcake.

um, hi, so yeah. i have some bad news. this is the last cupcake you'll ever see on cupcake dictionary. because... i've decided to stop blogging. i know, i'm sorry. i just think this window of my life has passed.

and this is the point where i tell you i'm kidding.

happy april fool's day! but seriously, doesn't that cupcake look amazing? and it's huge. and i also met michael landon jr. and haymitch approves. this is exciting. but anyway, i wouldn't stop blogging for anything. not even a canon 5d mark ii. not even for peter or peeta or tom. well, that's probably a lie. but seriously. i love you guys too much.

-kiss kiss kiss, be jelly-