moments with mommy, v.vii

we were sitting at grandma's house on monday, watching the basketball game or something of the sort, when mommy decided to tell me a story.

Mom: jocelyn, i'm going to tell you something, and i sure do hope it doesn't happen to you, but i want you to know anyways.

Me: oh Lord, please let it not have something to do with the Cosby Show.

Mom: the night after i gave birth to you, i was in the hospital resting. i was so, so tired, and i didn't feel like doing much of anything but sleeping. so i was resting, and i was awoken by this whining sound. and i said to myself, "what was that?" and i looked over, and there was a baby next to me. so i'm looking at it, and i say, "oh my, someone had a baby!" and then i realized it was you. 

Me: you forgot you gave birth to me? i feel so loved. 

Mom: i know your grandmother teases you about forgetting things, but if you want to forget something significant, then forget that you had your own baby. but you forget, i like, just had you, so i was delusional. i was in labor for thirty-six hours, you know. 

Me: but i turned out good! 

Mom: that's... debatable. no, i'm kidding. love you, jocee!

at least, i hope so. but seriously, you guys, she forgot i was born. that is so. awkward.

-kiss kiss kiss, teenage alzheimer's-

{pea ess: fixed the photo issue. thank you, abby!}

it's been a nice weekend.

yesterday: it started with meeting a friend for the first time. a blogger friend. i told her a few weeks back i was going to travel to meet my grandparents, and since they live in the same town, we decided to meet at forever21 to chat and act like teenage girls whose goal in life was marry justin bieber {this is a hypothetical scenario, mind you}. we were so nervous at first; i was shaking and looking for her face every minute, and once we got there and we hugged {i impaled her poor tummy with my camera twice} it was as though we knew each other all along. technology is nice, no?

i bought clothes and we both bought ice cream and discussed the book we're writing {details before the rapture, promise}, and made a very pointless vlog that we're sharing with you soon.

today: i woke up late, if you count 9:18am as late because i do, to the smell of meat sizzling in the oven and barbecue sauce heating through the open windows. the morning was lazy, spent lounging about on the couch and checking emails and begging for ribs and potato salad, and a small lesson of square dancing for the grandparents. i played with grandaddy's ever-so lovely film camera and sifted through his records, took some photos. thank God the day isn't over yet, because i plan to make myself a sundae and watch some downton abbey.

but, dears, whilst you are enjoying yourselves in relaxation, remember those who couldn't spare a moment to catch their breath while fighting for the safety of our fellow Americans. if you're wondering about my speech, it's all downton's fault. that show is good, really good. matthew and mary forever!

-kiss kiss kiss, retaliation-

{pea ess: photo-less, i know, but blogger is being rude and saying i've reached my photo data limit. help, or i'll die and be of no use to tabbey cat. and no, you weren't supposed to understand that reference. although i'm sure captain america does.}

on skinning moles and six word stories.

if you'll excuse the poor image quality, i have a little story for you.

i recently got a question from formspring on if i am an introverted or extroverted person. the summary is, it generally depends on my mood, but i find myself much more at ease with a good book, hot drink, and some classical music. parties are fun and all that {and occasionally the bag of chips}, but being alone, reading, writing, composing, is how i wind myself down.

i've come to realize it's easier for me to write my words as opposed to saying them. when i'm with my friends or any person, i find i can't explain myself as well as i want to, and if i had the opportunity to write it down, i'd be much more understood. i'd be respected, actually. in saying that, there are thoughts that i want to let out, but i don't have the courage to. when i am happy, i write. when i am sad, i write. when i am angry, i write. and when i am experiencing an emotion of an in-between status, i write.

it's always been fascinating to me; words. i love the way one can fashion their sentences, and make the most ordinary things spectacularly profound. i've always want to do that, and i find that i am working my way there, whether with the written word, or in my music.

so now that i bought my moleskines {because my mother, though she didn't want to, drove me to university to pick up a set}, i've been getting used to curating the things that i want to remember when i grow older. in some cases, i am all for conserving space, so i have looked to six word stories as a way to consolidate my words without losing the target of what i'm trying to say. here are a few:

for some reason, with these stories, i feel like i'm penetrating into an area of my life that i thought didn't exist. the first one describes me, inevitably, eminently, and it describes my hope that it will change. it has to change. the tenth is just truth. and the others? various things that have occupied my mind as of late. so i have a project for you. write. write six word stories, tell me the ones that describe you, that are for you. in a post, in a comment, or send me your moleskine even, because Lord knows i love them. write for the things you wish you could explain out loud, write as if the world is yours to control. and it is. you just have to penn it.

-kiss kiss kiss, doitdoitdoit-
{pea ess: thank you all so much for your words of kindness on that last post. you don't know how much they meant to me, and i found myself responding to them out loud! seriously, my family was asking me why i was spazzing out. but anyway, thank you.}

i'm sorry i wasn't good enough for you.

this is the last one.

seeing you on saturday wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. actually, i was pretty excited, because i heard you rented some photography equipment {70-200mm sports lens? my gosh.} to shoot photo/video, and since we were both interested in photography, i figured it'd be fun.

i'm not always right. why did you have to be so mean? i'm not being mean, i'm just focused. you wouldn't look at me, or talk to me, and when you did your tone was hard and your eyes cut like a diamond on a glass door. you acted sort of cocky. like you knew what you were doing and you didn't need any suggestions, and when i asked you a question you told me to find the answer myself. you're smart. you can do it. 

and even when your mom told you to be nice, you retorted, you can't believe everything she says! there's more than one thing i can think of to explain that. i thought you'd at least smile at me. smile. but instead you turned to one of your friends and said, i'm going to talk to you now and avoid jocelyn. avoid me, like i was some kind of plague. you are such an-- i had to catch myself before i cursed. i didn't know our relationship would ever come to this, the relationship we never had.

your mom had to make you hug me. you gave an obliging smile and patted me on the back like i was a dog who just performed a good trick. and it was through all this that i realized you don't remember. you don't remember the laughs, the jokes, the fun that we had.

so, eli, this is me saying goodbye. finally saying goodbye after... what, six years too long? it's hopeless. we're hopeless. but it's cool, because you taught me never to do this again. never again. you never wanted me, and even though it's silly to say so, i'm sorry i wasn't good enough.

so, you can rest assured that when i come over to your house to bake cupcakes with your little sister {oh yes, we're best friends now. didn't you know?} you won't get a crumb.
-kiss kiss kiss, because i found a boy-

insignificance like the sunrise.

there's a certain time when the sky is on fire. there's the golden hour, of course, but i'm not talking about that. it happens every day, you know. sunrise. we act like it's nothing new, nothing interesting. it's become a wallflower at the hypothetical party. no one notices, and no one really cares. in fact, most of us aren't awake to witness it. but today, because i'm enrolling in community college and assessments are required, i got to see it.

i originally woke at five forty-three because of an off-putting dream, then fell asleep some minutes later with some serious coaxing to my brain. but the time i woke up again, it was around an hour later, and because i had so much on my mind that i couldn't fall asleep again, i turned to face the window. and this is where i fangirl about the sunrise: like-holy-cheese-you-guys-the-sky-is-red-and-orange-and-magenta-and-gah-i-don't-know-what-to-do-i'm-contemplating-my-existence-over-here.

it was like God telling me good morning himself. like i was in the lion king movie. it felt majestic. empowering. and even though there were slightly disturbing amounts of sleep in my eyes, i ran downstairs, grabbed my camera, and snapped next to the window.

so now it's the golden hour, the sky is turning ablaze before darkening, and electricity can just take a hike.

the sun rose out of the sea,

the birds began to sing their wake-up lullaby, 

and we were alive again. 

-kiss kiss kiss, side effect-

{pea ess: okay, so i checked out the fault in our stars for the second time, let it sit for three days because i was afraid to get my heartbroken again, and i opened it yesterday only to realize it's freaking awesome all over again. y'all should read it. just saying.}

saturday is an unintentional summer.

on the days where i have time to notice everything and take it all in, i notice that my family does too. there's a certain lull in my household on the weekend. there is no hustle and bustle of where-to-go and what-to-do, instead mommy's nestled in her favorite chair and joy is watching her programs on the telly. daddy is either working or doing something that has to do with sports {blech}, and i'm most likely at my computer, multitasking with music, writing, and maaybe crafting.

so today, because it feels like summer even though it isn't quite there yet, and i'm sitting at my computer listening to classical music and writing and crafting in my new moleskine, here's a list of reasons why the weekend is better.

10 reasons why the weekend is {alot} better:

sleeping in || late breakfasts || vibrant blue skies and puffy clouds || the way you notice in your family's collective personality that it's the weekend || tropical albums || crafting with moleskines || romantic movies || picking flowers || playing dress-up || feeling no obligation to do anything at all.

what are you enjoying this weekend?

-kiss kiss kiss, lick the postage stamp-

{pea ess: gah, this vlog. it's coming. promise. maybe.}

fiction fridays, part three.

I can imagine us going nowhere. We'd be strolling on the walk alongside the street, sometimes stopping for coffee and something to eat. He'd intertwine his fingers in mine and rub them with his thumb, occasionally brining my hand up to his mouth to kiss. He'd wrap his arm around my back without letting go of my hand, causing my opposite arm to be draped around my front. I'd blush for no reason and he'd smile and kiss my hair. 

     I can imagine getting the camera out of my satchel (most likely a Canon 5d mark ii) and breaking contact to walk behind him. I'd capture the way he walks, from the heel to the balls of his feet, until he picked himself up and set himself down again. His stride would go with his height. I can see his shoulders slightly fall up and down with each step. How long his legs are. I'd walk behind him, walking upbeat to keep up; filming him. He'd turn around occasionally and smile, and sometimes walk backwards, before getting out his film camera, capturing me while I capture him. Then he'd take the dslr out of my hands and give me the film, turning the tables.

     I can imagine myself blushing when I glance back at him. He'd smile wide and then survey his work, and I'd make a silly face and he'd laugh, tongue and all. I'd capture him laughing. 

     I can imagine us stopping in a cafe. We'd screw eating healthy and order burgers, fries, and pizza (gourmet of course) and talk about nothing over a few glasses of pop. Sharing the straw. Of course we'd have cupcakes for dessert, because we can always make sundaes at home. We'd people-watch as the sun goes down and leave as the streetlights come on.

     I can imagine us kissing under some imaginary mistletoe, no matter the season. And then, we'd keep going to nowhere at all. 

     I want him; here with me. Now.
(To go nowhere is to set out and explore; to have the ability to go out and start walking with no particular destination, and have the stamina to go on forever, so long as he, or she, is holding your hand.)

i like to write about him. i like to list things i want to do with him. i even wrote a song for him, which i'm in the process of notating. i dedicated a notebook to him, in which i wrote some of the things i don't have the courage to say; some of the things i hope will take place in the future. not to mention, i'm listening to ella fitzgerald's september song, and i'm in a gushy sort-of mood. and you can thank my gushy sort-of mood, because that's what made me want to share one of the little ditties i wrote with you.

-kiss kiss kiss, hug metronome-
{pea ess: as inspired by rachel.}

cupcakeing, v.5

this is what happens when you babysit to little darlings {who when put together aren't as rambunctious as your sister} for five hours and their mother decides to drop by hey cupcake on her way home. afterthoughts? i'm in icing paradise. 

-kiss kiss kiss, bokeh and bouquet-

{pea ess: why is the rum always gone?}

an update of sorts.

+ the past few weeks, i've been a lot busier. i haven't had time to post, or i haven't had the inspiration to post. so i've been taking some walks down my street, listening to the birds talk about he-saids and she-saids, and freelensing in the front yard. it's only going to get busier, and i can't afford to have my brain eaten away, so i'm embracing these walks a lot more.

+ about blog design. since megan is just as busy as i am {okay, maybe a little more}, gracie is going to trim the blog for me. i'm more than a little bit excited. apart from that, i'm entirely sprucing up this blog. making it simpler, more inviting, and making it something that i'd want to read if i didn't write it.

+ today is one of those days where the clouds are crying, and the one thing that would make me complete would be a good book to go with it. any suggestions? new material is always fun.

+ cupcakes taste nice. just saying.

-kiss kiss kiss, slay the jabberwocky-

{pea ess: i know, i just take photos of flowers and things. i need help.}

moments with mommy, v.vi

-today, coming home from church and dropping mommy off at grandma's-

Me: wait, why are we here?

Mommy: because if i go home i'm going to work, and i don't want to work, i want to rest. so i'm resting at grandma's house till dinnertime. 

Joy: i want to go rest with you! 

Me: no, joy! she said she wants to rest!

Joy: but i'll be quiet!

Mommy: ha ha! ha, ha, haha, ha. bye.

happy mommy's day, mommy! you're funny, and you deserve all the cupcakes.
-kiss kiss kiss, never a dull moment-

just little things {171-192}

171. doing two day's worth of school so you don't have any to do the next day.

172. the satisfaction of finishing a good book.

173. getting the first comment. 

174. when your ears pop after you get off the plane. 

175. no one noticing your embarrassing moment. 

176. getting all red skittles in one package. 

177. the smell of your house when you walk in after a vacation. 

178. when he thinks you're funny. 

179. going swimming for the first time after winter.

180. putting the groceries away. 

181. looking at little kids and wondering what they'll be like when they grow up. 

182. knowing the perfect words to describe him. 

183. getting the eyelash out of your eye.

184. seeing a movie on the day it comes out. 

185. realizing everyone around you is growing up. 

186. the way the sky looks during the sunrise/sunset.

187. when the bubble doesn't pop after you touch it.

188. watching the balloons go up to heaven. 

189. when someone notices something different about your appearance. 

190. when your family decides to go out to eat. 

191. folding the paper perfectly. 

192. when you have your favorite breakfast, favorite lunch, and favorite dinner all in one day. 

193. when the thunderclouds make the house dark.

it looks like pencil shavings, but it's a flower. promise-promise.
i find myself getting bored of my posting cycle. like i'm doing the same things over and over again, and i'm not satisfied with them. is there anything that'd you like to see more or less of on cupcake dictionary? do tell. i might choke you with hugs {that's a good thing}.

-kiss kiss kiss, hug leaking light-

pure gold.

the sun is beginning it's descend into the beds of the west, and the sky is the perfect palette of blythe blue, melting into a peach sort of pink, fading into the vibrant hues of orange, the faintest hint of magenta. as i step onto the porch getting ready to leave, i don't have my camera with me. we're already late for church, and we shouldn't be any later. as joy is beckoning for mommy, daddy and i to get in the car, i see the grass's blades bending their backs to the right. the sun casts its gaze on them and i see the white blossoms that sprouted on the leaves just this past week, as well as a few oak leaves that survived the winter.

so even though joy is literally yelling her voice box out of her throat, and mommy and daddy are asking what is going on, i go back inside, retrieving the camera from its resting place and flicking the switch on. it feels familiar in my hands, comforting. and as i hear the constant shutter and snap, i smile. then i survey my work, and my smile grows wider, because i know that i am enjoying what i capture.

another thing that peaks my smile is the glow of the sunlight that reaches my eyes. and i think to myself, why haven't i come out here before? during the golden hour. the world seems to be a different color. a different perspective. a ladybug travels across my path, going home for the coming night. and as i get in the car and click my seatbelt shut, i smile again. because at this hour, the world is pure gold.

-kiss kiss kiss, shabalabadingdong-

{pea ess: it's my best friend's sixteenth birthday tonight. happy birthday, darling jessica. love you.}

{pea pea ess: my apologies for posting so late. the inspiration comes and goes.}

thoughts of a rainy day tuesday.

with the weather being the way it is at the moment, rainymood is unnecessary. i'm not feeling the words i need to say for my coming out post, so i'm respecting mr. inspiration and putting my brainpower towards other things.

lately, i've been busy. i've been coming down off of the high that is the avengers {which all of you need to see this instant - prepare to get loki'd}, i'm writing again, and joy's swim season has started. which means i'll see eli again, because one of his siblings is swimming as well. but let's not talk about that. let's talk about the brownies i made this afternoon, and how the balance between the chocolate and milk is perfectly measured. how sheer curtains make the best film grain, and how i've finally gotten around to ordering perks of being a wallflower. how i had a lovely talk with bleah this afternoon, and how i'm convinced she'll be a fabulous author. how my carnations have survived the hectic everythings that make up my life.

some things i've learned as of late: it's easiest for me to wake up when the clouds are covering the sun // tropical music sounds best during the rain; here // i shouldn't say everything that's on my mind // tuna salad is delicious // i love the smell of coffee but not the taste // sunflares make everything better // love deeper; live fiercer.

what've you been up to, darling?

-kiss kiss kiss, livin la vida loki-

{pea ess: seriously, you guys. the avengers.}

{pea pea ess: also, on my poll, eighteen of you are correct, my name is pronounced jaw-see.}

fiction fridays, part two.

002. stocking the refrigerator

It'd only been a few hours since mom and dad had left. The house seemed a whole lot larger now, and a heck-of-a-lot quieter, with the remaining boxes of my various belongings being my only company. Luckily, most of the furniture came with the house, so the expense of having to go and buy new things wasn't on my mind. But I needed something on my mind, because if there wasn't anything there, I would undoubtedly cry for hours in the knowledge that I was the only person breathing in this house.

   I walked/ran to the refrigerator, because I felt like a turkey sandwich. Pulled on the handle and let it swing open, only to see that I had nothing but a few cases of bottled water. Which meant that I had to go to the store. Which meant I had to postpone crying in a fetus position on my sofa. I could totally deal with that.
   Getting in my pale blue Lexus SUV, I drove to the H-E-B that was literally only thirty seconds from the house, if you didn't count the two stoplights. In which case, it was a minute and a half. I parked, got a basket, and walked in. I filed through aisles picking up my various needs and wants, and checked them off the internal list in my head. 
   Two-percent milk. A dozen and a half carton of eggs. Brown eggs. Biscuits. Hebrew National hot dogs, because those were the best, hands down. Two loaves of bread for my turkey sandwich habit. A bag of Lays. Ice cream sandwiches and six-pack of orange Crush soda pop. Iceberg lettuce, dill pickles, and mustard. Sliced cheese. And a few other things that were typical to my daily life. 
   I checked-out and the cashier's helper walk me to the car and put my groceries in the trunk, a young man by the name of Luke, with a smooth, young face. He said everyone called him Skywalker. A coincidence, I thought, since it was May the fourth. 
   By the time I got home and unloaded my groceries, I didn't feel like a turkey sandwich anymore. Instead, I got an ice cream sandwich and put an orange Crush in the freezer to get cold, and sat on the sofa and turned on the telly. I flipped through channels and stopped on Hart of Dixie, though I didn't actually watch it for awhile. 
   I was sitting in my house. My house. I wouldn't have to hide under the covers to keep my sister from waking me up, or ask Mom if I could go to Anthropologie and pick up that new volume up Kinfolk (which happened to be the bee's knees). This was my own space, where I could listen to classical music, make as much tilapia as I could imagine, and live. Make noise, to fill the silence, which I knew I didn't like very much now that it was eminent. 
   I smiled, realized that the episode playing was called "Homecoming and Coming Home". Because, I was home.
   A crazy thought came into my head just before I turned up the volume. Maybe I could invite Luke over for turkey sandwiches sometime. 
   Because, after all, I had stocked the refrigerator. 

this one's inspired by my parents, talking about when it'll be time for me to move out, and this one's for all of us, because i'm sure we all feel a little bit nostalgic when it comes to leaving home. 

-kiss kiss kiss, may the fourth be with you-

{pea ess: this series is inspired by rachel of elephantine, who on fridays, writes short stories in her desire to, just like me, become a novelist.}

a short le happy that includes synthetic rain.

freelensing

poladroid

kinfolk volume three

film grain

british prisses 

caramelized onions

his song

summery fragrances

penny loafers

cool orange soda pop

a rainy-sort-of-mood

maxi dresses

lavender canopies

drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!

yolo

today, it's just me, audrey, a british priss and a girl who lies under a lavender canopy. i'm thinking about writing a few six-word-stories and jack sparrow singing is stuck in my head. i swear, rainy-mood knows exactly how to fall in sync with the music i'm listening to, which happens to be the pride & prejudice soundtrack. photo editing is fun. and also: i like the taste of cold water.

-kiss kiss kiss, hide the rum-

{pea ess: that vlog? yeah. that'll be up sometime before the rapture. promise-promise.}

{pea pea ess: look for an 'i'm coming out' post sometime in the near future!}

moments with mommy, v.v

-in the car on the way to the long center-

Me: so, i've begun to realize and understand the courses of my life-

Mom: wait, there was an appetizer?

Me: what?

Mom: you said the courses of your life. you have an appetizer, salad, main course, and dessert. are you talking about the appetizer?

Me: what? what does that even mean? -awkward silence- oh wait... i get it.

i swear, she doesn't even try to be funny. it's like my grandma, she's being totally real, and everyone's rolling on the floor. but to go along with her, i think i'm in the salad of my life. in the words of adam young: not all who salad are tossed.
-kiss kiss kiss, chew the bacca-
{pea ess: who else wants to just reach into the screen and grab that pizza?}