how to stop an internal bomb.

lights that guide us home,

in an effort to recognize the true friends i have in my life, i've created a series showcasing what they mean to me.
It’s not an easy thing to try and sum someone up with simple words and phrases. Really, there are too many little intricacies and quirks; depths, dimensions, dualities, idiosyncrasies, and just plain contradictions. Summing up a friendship is, if anything, worse. To say too much is to get it wrong, and anything else is to brutally oversimplify it. So I’m just going to say a bit, and trust that anyone who knows Jocelyn, or just a little bit of her, will gather the rest. That being said, in a nutshell: Jocelyn Carol is the strangest person I’ve ever met, but the only strange person I have not wanted to get away from.

I like Jocelyn. I always have, really; it’s not everyone who goes up to you and, without any particular emotion, starts hitting you on the (left and/or right) shoulder for as long they can. It was revolutionary, actually. With everyone else you meet, initially you worry about awkward silences and weird pauses. But with her, even if we aren't talking, somehow the silence doesn’t seem so awkward (especially when you’re getting punched). Punching aside, when I hang out with Jocelyn, I know I don’t have to worry about that kind of thing because she always has something to say. Not in the annoying 'prattling-about-nothing' sort of way, but she just seems to find things to talk about. When I tend to be about as conversational as a statue (albeit a good-looking one—Jocelyn should be blushing right about... now!) I like being able to feel comfortable around her. 

Something you just have to like about Jocelyn is that perfect balance she’s struck between seemingly unending energy and soberness. Her energy keeps you going but doesn’t exhaust you, which, when you’re talking to a girl who switches gears about ten times each minute, is pretty impressive to say the least. 

She likes the good music, the colour yellow, all things British, modern media, and bow-ties. What does this amount to, you ask? Cute outfits, Doctor Who, Coldplay, Tom Hiddleston (She likes Hiddleston because all we see of him is smiles, charm, and kindheartedness. Plus, he stands for the husband she wants [and wants now]), and... Did I mention all things British? 

But what does all that amount to? Tea, most likely with cream. I think she likes it because of what it stands for. Not to say she doesn’t like the taste (particularly Chai), but I think she likes a lot of what she likes because of what it stands for, not because of what it is. 

I think she likes to switch gears because it means she can keep speeding on by. She can say some of the most tender and sweet things, mock herself, and turn the tables before you can blink, all so she can express herself but not get caught in it. In expressing herself, she likes to talk about what she loves. Here we go again: She likes all things British (okay, because of Hiddleston,) but I think also because those vivid green isles way across the pond have better imagery than we have here (you know what they say: grass is always greener on the other side). And she likes Coldplay; because they stand for Yellow, for The Scientist, and for Fix[ing] You. And I think she really is looking for someone to tell her he’s going to try to fix her. 

With that being said, I know she’s been through a lot. Do I know about everything she's been through? No. I do know she poured a lot of herself into something that doesn’t look like it worked out. I know sometimes, she not sure she has anything left. And I know how that feels. But when someone can feel all that and still get up each morning and be a blurring ball of energy with a quick smile, quicker laugh, and a hope for better days, they're worth being around. 

So why does she like being around me you ask? I told you, she’s the strangest person I’ve ever met.


here's something they don't tell you when you lose a friend: they don't tell you how to feel better. they tell you there will be other friends and they tell you to drink something warm and to watch a funny movie, but all that does is numb the pain for a little while. it doesn't make it go away. 

and another thing they don't do: they don't tell you how to move on--start over. they don't tell you how to smile and say hello (one of the only things i remember about my childhood), they don't tell you how to not make the same mistakes, they don't tell you how to look at someone and not find something about them that reminds you of the person you lost. so we each move on, alone, in our own cracked and broken ways, and we don't know we're doing it wrong because they didn't tell us how to do it right.

so brian comes along one sunday at church, clad in a blue-and-white striped button-down, mid-blue jeans and hideous forrest green converse that he has [thankfully] worn out by now. lauren invites him and alexandra whispers "he looks like a bad boy," to me as i look his way. he's different, to say the least. he's... fascinating. and i would be lying if i said i didn't want to meet him. afterward, i catch him at the back door, talking to my mother. she's all smiles, in her incessant social-butterfly tone of voice. i join and i get to meet him. he's nice, and welcoming. makes me feel comfortable. and then he leaves.

but he keeps coming back.

and to be honest, i never not liked him. but i never expected to be his friend. at least, not on this level. i told keaton one day that i always have this silent desire to know people; to be their friend. and for brian and i, going to the same church, being in a band together, and going to the same school helped us become the friends we are today.

and he's a good friend. he listens, knows when to speak and when not to, treats me with respect and is always the first to give me a hug if i want one (i never want one but he hugs me anyway). when he doesn't listen, he's saying something that matters. he understands what i've gone through and knows the dark days always end. and when i'm having a dark day, he helps me find the light at the end of the tunnel, makes sure it's not a train, and carries my imposing [and heavy] red computer bag so i can reach the light faster.

another thing they don't tell you when you lose a friend: they don't tell you how to act. or how to recover. since i lost her, i've been keeping up my own version of the berlin wall, keeping myself from caring too much, keeping myself from trying to better a bad situation. and now, i think that wall is coming down. half the time, i don't know what to say even say to him. not out loud. and when i do, i stumble over myself, confusing adjectives and subject and subjects with what i really want to say. but he just listens. doesn't try to stop me or make sense of it. or maybe i just talk too much, maybe i'm doing it all wrong. but to have a friend who makes just as much an effort to see me as i him, to have a friend who i can be myself around, to have a friend who i feel like i deserve--its a good feeling. one i actually never want to go away.

something i wish they'd tell you when you lose a friend: you won't have all the answers. you may not have any. you may find yourself, one day, in a murky puddle of rainwater, nearly blacked out and unable to get up this time. i wish they knew it's okay to just let it out, to cry loudly, invested, and not know how to stop. i wish they knew that sometimes, someone like brian comes along to pull you out of the puddle you've created and dry your tears and help you change out of your wet clothes and take you home, not caring that you're doing it wrong, because he's there to do it right for you. basically, in the end, i wish they knew to tell you that you don't have to do this alone.

i post this today because it's the last hijinx we have before the summer. since i wrote this, my (one-sided) relationship with him has disintegrated to pure friendship, and to be honest, i'm okay with that. tuesdays are still my favourite, though.
-kiss kiss kiss, sitting on the sea- 


  1. what even HAPPENED here. wow. so. basically I loved this. and friendships--true, raw, honest friendships--are something never to take for granted. gee this was lovely, jocee.

  2. I'm sorry for all you've gone through. But this is beautifully written, Jocee - you've really taken my breath away, it's so good.

  3. favorite post of yours ever. he sounds like an amazing friend.
    and the whole 'relationship disintegrating into friendship' I can relate.
    I think sometimes us girls like one guy more then others and translate it into 'I like like him' I don't know. maybe not. but I think that's how I was/am. oh and your new design. I'm so in love with it. it's so jocee. xx

  4. ok, wow. this caused some MAJOR flashback. i have a really similar story and you just wrote about it so beautifully. it made my heart hurt. i love that you aren't afraid to share this with us. your heart is beautiful...and i am so sorry for all that you have had to go through. i know a lot of what you probably felt.

  5. I love that I've already read this and fangirled so you know my many many #feels. xoxo, I love you!

  6. hey, so this is amazing to read. both you and brian write so well, and i loved reading it. i'm glad you're okay with pure friendship, it's hard sometimes but so worth it. love you darling. <3

  7. god, i don't even know what to comment right now. flashbacks are abounding, conversations coursing through my mind. these pieces were so incredible the first time you showed them to me (though they still are). my throat got all tight, and i remember thinking that this is the best kind of friendship + being so incredibly happy that you've found it with someone. i'm just basically fangirling for you all-around, babe. bravo.

  8. wow. you write so amazing jocee! i'm sorry for what you've been through and that 'relationship disintegrating into friendship'..well i've never been through it before. but i probably will some day. xx

  9. um why am I sitting here with tears in my eyes.
    ahhh friendship is so good.

  10. This is one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read, it's so honest and truthful. And to be honest, I've never thought about how you're suppose to move on, and how they don't tell you how to do it right. So beautiful.x

    ~Emily Rose

  11. this post, honestly, was really confusing, but sweet. :) so the guy you really liked, you're actually not going to be dating, or what?!!?


    1. so here's the deal:
      i really liked him for a couple of years and we were pretty good friends the entire time.
      and i kind of got over my... long crush on him, i guess? so we're just friends now. i liked him, but i wasn't really looking to date, you know? i mean i'm 16. that's kind of unnecessary for me right now. also i'm kind of tom hiddleston's wife. so. ;)

    2. oh really you are!..*cough cough*

  12. Jocelyn. This post cannot be any better than it is.
    Gaahhh I wish I could formulate words around guys.

  13. This post was really confusing, did you lose his friendship? Though you do write nice poetic words, I think sometimes all the fancy wordings and imagery clouds the clarity of the words that you are trying to get across and we, the audience never truly know exactly what you are trying to say

    1. i didn't lose his friendship, no. i did, however, lose another friend and i'm just writing here about how he's helped me through all the horrible things that have come with losing her. what he wrote about me is first, what i wrote about him is second. so we're basically writing about what we mean to each other as friends. :)

    2. Yeah, I was like soooooo confused! I couldn't tell what in the world was going on. But now I got it. :)

  14. Truly beautiful. I always look forward to reading your posts, because they really make me feel something.. I wish I could put it to words...
    This post makes me really wish I knew you better. Like for reals.

  15. really REALLY needed this, girl. feeling like i'm stuck in a sickening relationship. and i'm starting to notice that it's been that way since i first met her 5 years ago. losing friends is hard. i sympathize for you girl. :)

  16. Word.
    I'm gonna cry. Is that okay?
    Yeah, I'm just gonna go cry now.

  17. this is so beautiful. I really love how you wrote it. i'm so glad that you have someone like that to care about you. i'm so sorry about what you've been through...i can definitely relate to some of it. i'm so happy you're pulling through with your head up. you really are an inspiration.


  18. This was so well written, I must hand it to you.
    No one ever does tell you what to do when you lose a friend.
    It hurts like a train wreck at first.

  19. i'm sorry you have those dark days... but i'm glad you have such a good friend to be there for you.

  20. So, so beautiful, Jocee dear! Aren't friendships so confusing sometimes? Sometimes I feel like my friendships with girls are a big game… and I don't like to play games. But others are so deep. And guy friendships, well, they're either amazing or awful(lyconfusing). I'm glad that you are good friends now! Isn't it good to have the questions cleared up, and just be able to be really good friends? I, personally, am the most awkward person with guy friendships, but I do have a few that are more precious than gold.

    Okay, I'll stop rambling.


    p.s. I know I said I was going to comment about 10 years ago. Well… I fail at blogging/commenting. But I love you! So here is your much belated comment! (Hopefully followed soon by more!)

  21. This is beautiful, jocee, he's such a good writer and so are you (:

    And my, oh my, does this sound so much like something I'm going through today. Last year I happened to have met a beautiful bad boy who wore eyeliner and wrote poetry and wore converse and was the most interesting and unimaginable person i have ever met. He's so complex and yet so simple at the same time. He's a table of emotions with such depth and sincerity. And currently, I happen to be going through a disintegrating friendship that feels as though it has hollowed me out, and the only person who has been "fixing me", has been him. Friendships are so tricky with guys, I wish it were simpler, but somehow, it's inevitable that it be complicated. he has a girlfriend right now, who happens to be another friend. I still don't know how i feel about it. I don't feel jealousy, just.. subtle annoyance. But I shouldn't be feeling it, because it doesn't need to matter right now.


    Chloe Grace

  22. ohmygosh. this is my favorite post of yours. ever. just woah woah woah.
    I can relate to this on so many levels. I've lost a lot of friendships in the last couple of years, and there were faults on both sides. and it was extremely painful, but I realized God had a purpose for me going through that, and the friends I have now are a huge part in that.
    this is just amazing, girl. and I love what brain wrote about you, that's so presh.

    plus, you are gorgeous, and he's *cough cough* extremely attractive too. ;)

  23. I'm just going to hug you, ok? I'm just going to hug you, because I know those friendship feels. I know the confusion, and the pain, and the desire for answers to all your whys, hows, and whens.
    Funny thing, though.
    I know how this feels, and yet, I don't have the answers.
    Some things, just don't have answers, I think.

    1. some things we just have to learn as we go.
      some things we always know.
      some things we never know.
      but i think that if we survive it, we'll be able to help someone else, you know? save them a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. literally.
      thanks for the hug, whether it's virtual or not. you're too sweet, lady. :)

  24. Wow Jocee...feeling so much for you at the moment. And that guy sounds like a friend you don't want to lose in a hurry. How blessed you are to have his friendship :)


sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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