this is the story of a girl who just realized her friends will never truly care.

you know that feeling when a new movie comes out and you're really excited about it and your friends go see it and tell you how brilliant it is and how you're going to love it and then a little later when you've finally see it you're really hyped up because like GAH it was so amazing and you go to your friends and they're like "...eh. been there. done that. it was a nice movie. whatever." and you feel really left out and uncool because you realize sometimes all you want to do is relate to your friends and be on the same level with them but they change ALL THE FREAKING TIME and you don't know what to do because they've done that to you your whole life and even though you've known them your whole life you feel like you don't know them at all and suddenly except for a few people who really like you and enjoy your interests you feel suddenly... so alone?
into darkness. terrifying. enthralling. a roller coaster that not only goes up, but comes down as well. i've never been exempt from the breathtaking disease that is benedict cumberbatch, but i see now my case is terminal. best part is, i don't even care. worst part is, i don't think my friends do, either.
-kiss kiss kiss, let's just stab caesar-


  1. a. You're gorgeous.
    b. That's a whole lot of words that I might not fully understand but.. you're still an amazing writer. hehe

  2. My mom has told me that people will always disappoint you; only God will never fail you.
    P. S. Don't know about Benedict Cumberbatch--how is he worth the hype?

    1. your mom gives a great point - one that i think i will need to remember. thanks for reminding me.

    2. I have a letter and it says the exact thing-- people will disappoint you, but only God will not let you down. My mum wrote me that when I turned thirteen ;)

  3. Wow, you treat your friends like dirt.
    I'd feel really hurt if I was them.

    1. i could say so many things in response to this, in defense to myself, in defense to the people who would and probably will give you hell for saying this (anonymously, babe, great move), but you know what? i'll just simply say you didn't read what i just wrote. not at all.

    2. You are an idiot.

    3. alright, y'know what? that's enough.
      you don't get to hide behind a mask and insult this girl you've never even met for no reason whatsoever, especially not jocelyn. she is flawless and gentle and compassionate and one of the most amazing people i know. but you wouldn't know that, because you're too busy blindly slashing her to actually get to know her.
      so just like, go to narnia. AND STAY THERE.

    4. Jessica says it all. Amen.

    5. Jess, you are so right. You can't insult her. Jocee is AH-MAZING. She is incredible, and you can't bully her like that. You have no right to insult her. Imagine if you were Jocelyn, and she was you. How would you feel if she was saying that to you? Huh? I don't think it would feel so good.
      Again, Jess, thanks for saying this: 'go to narnia. AND STAY THERE!'

    6. I agree with everyone else. Jocee is a truly amazing person.

    7. oh dear God, bless you guys. bless all of you. this post was written when i was alone, tired, overwhelmed, full of so much angst and hurt that i started crying when i was writing it. it's actually really hard to treat your friends the way you wish they'd treat you, and i've found that beyond that specific group of friends that i've known all my life, friends that i've only met a few years ago seem to know more about me than the person i was born with, you know? it's... it's relieving and it's disappointing. relieving because someone wanted to know all that about you, disappointing because someone else forgot. and a lot of the time, when my 'friends' are spending a lot of time immersing themselves into each other, i like to immerse myself into you, the people who read my blog, and the people i've known for only a few years' time. being a good friend is always something i've wanted to be (and i have failed, once), and sometimes i just want the people who i've sat with in church every sunday for 16 years to do the same.

      jessica and i skyped last night, and this is one of the things that really stuck with me. she said she thought one of the reasons the anon said that could've been the fact that this is a personal post, and if they wouldn't say something like that, then neither should i. of course, we really can't speculate since the person is anonymous and could've closed the blog tab, but i want to make something clear. this is not me treating my friends like dirt. this is not me trying to spite them or get back at them for stuff they've done to me. sure we've all gone through some crap and sometimes it's hard to forgive. but this post? this is my outlet for expressing something i can't say in front of my peers because they will make snap judgements and won't let me finish (or start, for that matter). this is a part of me that some people think i'm too anti-social to possess. so, i don't know where your mindset came from, but, whatever, i don't want to get into that. this is just... my heart. and it's not always in perfectly good shape.

      i've said a lot of words here and i could've made it a follow-up post but i didn't feel like it (#hashtag #laziness), but i just want to say all of your kind words brought me to tears. i'm so freaking thankful for all of you. it sounds so cliche, so typical to what a lot of bloggers would say. but the things that i want to convey to you... i don't know. i made a haiku about it:

      "but then, sometimes the
      words can’t speak. we just look at
      them, hoping they’ll know."

      and i'm looking at you.
      and i think you know.

    8. To that anonymous commenter: Like Jess said...'go to Narnia' and stay there. Maybe you can learn a thing or two from Aslan.

      Jocee, you are amazing and beautiful. I have been RIGHT in the spot you're in right now. Stay strong, sugar! ::hugs::

  4. Srsly tho why has no one talked about this before?

  5. ah! this happened to me too. so sad. I already commented on Facebook but felt I should comment here too. I can relate. yep. :D

    Luv ya girl!


  6. tell me about it, jocee. pretty much the only reason i have friends who like the same things as me is because of the internet.

    i just wanna send you a ton of hearts right now. you're one in a million (no, more like 1 in 7 billion), and don't let any-freaking-one tell you otherwise. people can be both very wonderful and very stupid, but try not to let it get you down. you'll miss out on too much. and if you wanna talk, i'm your bro.

    lovelovelove. (also i'm sending you an e-mail soon. hopefully tomorrow.)

    (So there. :)

  8. SOOOO TRUE. I have some friends like that, and they just make me unhappy.

    Jocee, you're amazing.



    Ps- and isn't it funny how pretty much all mean comments are anon? Yup.

  9. Your post = my. life. story. Thank God I am not the only one who has gone through this with friends.


  10. I absolutely love Chris Pine (ever since Princess Diaries 2 haha) so I totally understand you. My friends think I'm crazy but ehh *shrugs* it's all good, sometimes it's nice to have something all to yourself you know?

  11. hang on, pretty girl. hang on for the people who won't leave you behind. <3 you are so special and LOVED, and a few changeable friends don't decide your worth.

    1. oh my gosh. bless your heart. (and apparently when people say that, it's not a good thing, but i'm turning it into one.) bless you. :)

  12. You are just so gorgeous!!
    And I know what you mean, it's so annoying and hard sometimes :(

  13. This makes me so sad. I have two bestest friends and they are like sisters to me... I've never ever been in a situation like this (from friends). I'll be thinking about you Jocee-- because you're the sweetest gal and you deserve someone to come into your life who won't let you down ever.

    You're the sweetest, girly.

  14. Wow. I have had that happen to me soooo many times! Its cuz I dont have a phone, so all my friends are always texting each other about happenings in their lives, so then when I get together with them, they are always talking *quietly to each other* about those things, and I always feel soo left out! It bugs the tar outta me, but then I remember that my friends might do that to me, but God will never leave me nor forsake me. He's always there for me!

    I'll be praying for you, Joc!!


  15. You're "friends" really seem to suck... cuz you're amazing, and the fact that you loved Into Darkness... well that just makes you even better in my book, though I do believe we've already discussed this :). Chin up beautiful girl.

  16. So, I was reading this post and first off, I agree with Jessica...(above) and second....I completely understand what you are going through. I've gone through this three times and it never gets easier. Friends do change. Friends do sometimes just dump you. Seriously, it hurts...a bunch. BUT...I slowly found myself becoming bitter....and the more I thought about how "unfair" it all seemed, the more I secluded myself. But that only made me more miserable. I don't have anyone that I can "associate" as my best buddy ever....at least no one I live in my state. (I have PLENTY of wonderful blogger friends that basically don't live where I do. Sob) But I found out that I can invest in other people's lives. My mistake was thinking that because people kept on dumping me...I was worthless. I used to be friends with a more popular girl and when that friendship ended, I thought that if she didn't want to be friends with me, who would? Well, that was way wrong. I realized that my bitterness was NOT God honoring, and that is was making me useless. So, my mission now...wherever I am is to make people feel wanted and special. My own insecurities make it hard, but I consider myself to be outgoing even if I joke about being an introvert. And I do have friends now....maybe not my perfect best friend....nope...she lives in another state (sadly). But I do have a little 11 year old girl who I met and we've become really awesome friends. I can't share all my inner turmoil with her. I don't want to like burden the poor kid when she's just learning about how to deal with hard friends herself....but now she's one of my closest friends ever. And as for the one who lives out of state....we skype a ton.
    BUT I digress. And I've rambled. And I hope you sort of get what I'm trying to say. I don't no the entire story about your friends except for the fact that they change a lot and then suddenly not seem to care....yeah I get that part.. Someone once told me that as Christians we are cups. We can choose to allow others to full us up with "trivial happiness, etc" or we can pour out our lives and joy to others and fill their cups. I thought about that looooong and hard, and I realized that for me personally, I've always wanted someone to fill me up. I wanted people to like me, I've always wanted a best friend (which is NOT wrong). But basically, I wanted a perfect little world, with perfect little friends, etc. Gee whiz, this comment is going on for a while. Anyway, I realized that I should be more concerned about others....the girls that aren't the most popular and who don't have the greatest friends. God has me in a hard spot right now because I can't really identify myself as having a best friend who comes over all the time and we hang out and go to movies and see plays and freak out over movie stars etc. But, I honestly believe that God used (and is using) this trial in my life so that I can pour out and invest in others for His glory. Sorry I rambled....and I hope some of it encouraged you. Okay. I'm done now. Hang in there!

    1. Wow! This is so true and so encouraging! My best friend, when I was little, changed all the time after a few years of being my best friend. Somedays she'd be nice to me, others she would act like she wasn't interested in me. It was SO hard for me and I cried a lot. Even to this day I still try to get our friendship back and I still wonder what it was that I did to make her act that way towards me. I've only ever tried to be friendly towards her...it's SO hard to let go. Basically I've lost all the good friendships I had as a young girl. I am deeply saddened by that fact. I wish that it wasn't that way. I just can't let those friendships go it seems. I have such good memories and now...those friends I had, hardly say hi to me when I see them. It's nothing I did or he/she did to make us that way...it's just...it happened. I don't know how. Anyway...I get what you're saying. Most of my friends now are young girls. That's fine. But like you said, I can't go and share deep things with them or relate to them on a level like I could with a girl my age...but I can be there friend. And I think God made me go through all of these hardships of losing friends over the years because he wants to make me a more compassionate friend. Maybe he wants me to take my eyes off of myself and seek to BE others friends rather than want others to BE mine. :)

      Thanks for the encouraging comment...I know that it wasn't meant for me...but it still encouraged me. :D

    2. wow. you encouraged me!

    3. Wow Joanna, thanks for writing that.

    4. YOU. YOU are AMAZING.

      and goodness gracious I wish I lived next door to you. thank goodness for skype.

  17. I'm learning that actually having those few close friends that DO care and DO understand you is the absolute best. And they have to be a friend to deserve one.

  18. Jocee, remember that you are loved. I've gone through this, probably millions before. But even though friends aren't there for you forever, God always is. Sometimes, there is this one friend that is just perfect for feelings like this. And even if they are on Blogger, they're still true.

    Find that one friend, and hold onto her/him for as long as you can. They will help you. And you can help them. It really works.

  19. AH. how...just HOW are you so amazing? I've struggled with this many times in my life...

  20. Hang in there, Jocee, hang in there. I have a hard time finding people who like the same things I like, too. You are such a great person! Don't forget that.


  21. I agree; sometimes I don't even know if I have any friends or not. Last year, I had a whole lot of friend drama and that made me reconsider who my friends really are, and who are just people that talk and hang out with me sometimes. This year, I found my true friends (atleast i hope so) and I wish everyone woould just get along because there's already enough world suck in this world and if we didn't have problems like this and if we were focusing on big stuff like global warming which i am also upset about (refocus, jenny, refocus) then this world would be a better place.

    even though three and a half people don't hang out with me anymore (but are still nice people), i'm still managing because that means I have less friend drama to deal with and less tears to shed over such silly things and less worries and just kaboom. okay, I'm done.

    sometimes run-on sentences are needed. i love you, okay?

  22. Dear Jocee,
    I love it how you write in your little blurb about comments, "sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much." To enlighten you, we love you so much because:
    you write things that make us go, "you too...? I thought I was the only one!"
    you live genuinely and it shows
    you truly care
    you write words that resonate deep in each of us
    you are not afraid of what people think
    you take photos because you want to, not because it's "cool"
    you are someone everyone wants to be around
    you blog things that matter to you
    you let us know that we are loved and that we are not alone
    you change the world, and not in a small way
    your faith is so moving and, most of all, *real*

    I think I speak for every one of your readers. Jocee, you are amazing and we love you.

  23. yes. i do know. i know a whole lot.
    those last few sentences sum up my whole existence. and i'm not even sure how, but you understand me/my life better than i do.

  24. I don't even know if my comment will make a dent in all these amazing, sweet, lovely comments you've already received, Jocee...or if you'll even notice this one, but...
    you're an amazing writer. you're an amazing person. you're an amazing blogger. your blog is one of my favorites. and I know exactly how you feel. I could relate so much to this post, it's not even funny. ::hugs::

    stay strong, sweetie.


  25. i feel you jocee. hang in there. :) x

  26. Why don't you address this face- to- face with your friends instead of letting them read it here? just seems awfully manipulative and gossipy. Letting all these virtual strangers bash your friends and your friendships with them.

    1. a lot of my friends know that i have a blog, but not a lot of them read it. and this wasn't intended to be manipulative and gossipy, this is me getting out something that's been eating at me for years and years and years. and i've tried talking to them about this face-to-face, together and individually. together they band up, calling me bitter and unable to let things like this go. you can argue that i probably am bitter because i posted this. but one of the reasons i even started this blog was so i could say all the things my friends wouldn't let me get in. individually, my friends would look like they're understanding. once the conversation would be over, they'd go to their friends and tell them what i said, continuing to think that i'm bitter, etc. there are a select few that really understand, but for the most part, they will interrupt me and reason against me (without letting me finish) or they won't let me start at all.

      i'm sure you love your friends. i'm sure you've been hurt by them - we all have. and we talked about it in sunday school yesterday, forgiveness. how you'll have to do it so many times that you can't count how many times you'll have to. i guess this all comes down to forgiveness, but let me ask you. if someone did something to you that hurt you (it depends on what it was, but you can make something up), would you forgive them? i would, the first time. but if they keep doing that over and over and over over the course of your life, wouldn't it get harder to forgive them? i'm not saying that i won't forgive my friends, just that it's not as easy as before. it's a learning process.

      again, i wrote this when i was extremely hurt, and i still am. this wasn't intended to bash my friends or anything like that. but if i'm in an environment where i literally am not able to get what i want out, this is where i go. i will draw the line at some subjects, but this is something everyone goes through and sometimes... it needs to be said.

  27. hey, you rock. you're stronger than you even give yourself credit for -- how much courage did it take to press that post button? when i read your words, your strength shines through like daylight. and that kind of strength means you can get through anything.

    girls suck. girls really suck. i think we've all had our fair share of how sucky our gender is. and you're going through a really, really tough time. but as a reader of your blog, i know you can push through and come out stronger than ever. i mean, look at the amazing friends you really have -- they're worth more than anything those girls do to you.

    people hurt, but in the end, there's always you, and don't let anyone or anything change you. you're awesome just the way you are.

    (as is into darkness and benedict cumberbatch. :P )

  28. I feel like I know you... I know I don't, but I feel that this post (like so many others that you have done)hits straight home. You shared a part of your heart with us and we are so thankful for that. because honestly? I love honest moments. I love the down-to-earth gritty stuff that is written with a heavy heart and tears. I love the joyful, "running over" posts and everything in between. and you know what else? I believe that God made something very special and beautiful when He made you... and I think He smiled.

    and just for the record? I think Into Darkness was absolutely amazing and that Benedict was positively brilliant.

  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

  30. (part 1)
    i warn you in advance, i tend to ramble.
    i also put it into a post form, but i decided
    it would be better as a comment so i can prove
    that anonymous idiot wrong.
    so ignore my last comment sending you a link
    because here it is, and it would contribute to
    your post better. ;)

    dear joyful jocee,
    it is not that you are different that is
    the problem, nor that you are just someone
    that can never be understood. in fact,
    you are not the problem. the problem is that
    they are blind. blind to the magnificient,
    beautiful, inspirational person God made
    you to be. and that is why your 'friends'
    don't accept you. it's that you are unique, and they just
    can't grasp how special, amazing and fantastic
    you are. the truth is, jocee dear, is that you knock
    their socks off, and they can't handle
    the awesomeness that you hold.
    but yet, all you want to do is maybe be
    able relate to someone to whom you can truly
    be yourself with. someone you could grow
    with, or maybe someone you know with
    all your soul that they accept you for you.
    but now. instead of feeling loved, encouraged,
    fulfilled and treasured as the true friend you are,
    you feel hurt.
    and all you want to do is relate to them.
    to have the satisfaction of having someone
    besides your family to hang out with,
    spend time, share with, to talk with.
    even though you love your family to death.

    and this happened to me you know.
    i felt weird for loving black+white
    movies, when all my friends wanted to
    do was watch things blow up in their batman movies.
    i felt pathetic that i would
    rather listen to the trees outside than
    play some stupid song from a not-so-good band.
    and i also felt worthless, and i seemed to always
    be alone, besides the company of my amazing brother.
    i didn't understand. this was not
    supposed to happen to me of all people.
    i mean, i did nothing but love and support
    my 'friends', so why was it happening to me?
    i doubted my beliefs, i maybe thought that i
    was the problem, but i shoved those thoughts
    aside and stuck to what i knew was right.
    and a dumb band was not the only thing pulling me
    and my friends so rapidly apart.
    i promise you, i am not a little dramatized child.
    i don't like to talk about how much went on between
    me and my best friend and my other friend..
    it hurt to see them stray away.
    we never even spoke, and it's not because i did not want
    to, it's that she seemed to have so many more important
    things to talk about with our other friend. and it hurt. allot.

  31. (part 2)
    i was very hurt, and it definitely left a scar.
    i talked to my dadd and mom, and from
    what they told me, i found that i needed
    a bigger circle of friends, to ask God to help
    me forgive them, love them anyway, and
    to take a break from them, since my heart
    could barely take anymore of the neglect
    and pain. i was so tired of picking up the pieces
    that were left of my heart, and this friendship
    that i was trying to hold together.
    so then i went to my father in
    heaven and asked for all
    of those things, and i gave the whole situation
    to God, and something else.
    something that is very special to me today.
    i asked for a friend.
    a true friend.
    someone who would accept me.
    and you know what?
    not two weeks later.
    my friend that is known as 'pal' on the blog
    came to church. he was sitting on the pew
    with his family when i walked in the double doors
    of the sanctuary coming from sunday school. we made
    immediate eye contact, and then both looked away.
    from then on i started to pray for him and his family.
    my Pal accepted Christ not three weeks later at our
    camp along with his brother. since then, we have
    been awesome friends. it's like, when he is gone,
    a piece of me is missing. (and that's hard when he
    goes to public school and you are homeschooled.)
    he is something special. and i thank God for sending
    him and his awesome family to our church, that week
    in may. just recently, that friendship was restored. the
    band is now not listened to, my best friend is back,
    and i am so thankful.
    and i don;t know all the details about how your so
    called friends are to you, but i do know that i have
    learned, and gained from giving my situation to God.
    my pal is very special to me, and i don't know what
    i would ever do without him, and i mean that.
    having someone new come into my life was
    kind of a challenge, because i thought,
    'what if i screwed up my last friendship with
    those people i knew all my life? what would happen
    if i got to know this person and truly cared for them,
    just for them to toss me aside as if i were a waste of
    time?' but worrying never helped anyway. infact, the
    bible says to worry over nothing. so i took shoved those
    thoughts aside, decided that it was not a coincident that
    this guy was the same age as me, arrived just after a
    talk with God and so i trusted my Father.
    and i have gained something so special from doing that.

    this letter was not very well written, but it is from my
    heart of hearts. jocee, i call you joyful jocee because
    1 thessalonians 5:16 says 'rejoice always' and no
    matter how much those people treat you wrongly,
    you have so many things to be joyful about.
    why be sad when you can be happy instead?
    i have gone through exactly what you are going
    through, and i can tell you that crying only
    makes it worse in this situation. go to your
    creator, and ask for whats in your heart.
    "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give
    you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)
    delight yourself in the things of God and in
    the things that he has give you to be joyful
    for. (you know what i did? i got sticky notes,
    and i wrote down everything i was thankful for
    on each stcky note and covered my room in
    them. believe me, this helps.)
    even if you have friends that don't love you
    for who you are jocee, just know, we bloggers
    love you, and we can relate to you too.
    i hope you don't mind that i made this letter
    a public one. when my bloggers are upset,
    i tend to get upset too, especially when i know
    what they are going through.
    someone to whom you may relate to.

    1. i saw this in post form, and i cried. i've cried a lot these past few days, but it's been an okay kind of crying.
      this is beautiful. the fact that you thought of me outside blogging terms, outside of internet terms, in REAL WORLD PHYSICAL LIFE terms?! that is so sweet. people have done that before, have talked about me to friends or family, have sent me things in the mail. but this? this is so personal because it says "i think a lot about you. i think highly of you." and that's something that i think we all, as humans, need. there was this thing on tumblr that said a human needs 8 affirmations a day. physical, verbal, whatever. but they need a pat on the back and a "good job" to keep them going, basically. and i understand having that deficiency from some of my own real life friends, and i like to encourage people and build them up like i sometimes wish someone would do back to me. this probably sounds really selfish but what i'm saying is that sometimes, i need a pat on the back too. sometimes i need 8. sometimes i may need a hug, even though i hate physical contact for the most part (depends on who it's from, but all around it's a bit icky). and today? i've gotten SO many affirmations, so many i love yous and i'm rooting for yous and stuff like that. but i think this is over the top, because it's so raw and deep down and it's straight from your solar plexus to mine. and that's what i love about it so much.

      speaking favour and blessing in your life, with a swiftness.
      <3 :)

    2. thankyou Jocee, i love writing, and i can put things into words much better when i write from the heart. i'm glad you loved this. i must say, it's not selfish one bit to admit the truth--that we all need a pat on the back, we all need a hug once in a while, and we all need support. it just goes to show that we can't do anything on our own, and that's not a bad thing at all.
      Matthew 19:26 says;
      "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
      we can't brave life alone. We need Christ (most importantly.) and we need people. you just need the right kind of people. Jocee, pray for them, love them, even when they don't love you back. (Matthew 5:44)
      be with people that make you happy.
      be with people who have a relationship with Christ as you do.
      my dad always says, "It's never as big as it seems."
      you just have to look past it and move on. it was hard for me to do so, but once i did, it was like spring blossomed inside of me. God was there, my family was there, and strength was given. this is not the end jocee, but a beginning. think of it as if you were growing and learning from all of this, you may feel broken, but you aren't. try not to let bitterness grow, because that would profit nothing and would ultimately poison you. just know, that you are loved. and just compare all the people that love you (on blogger and in real life) to those couple of people who don't know how to react to the light you give off. it's ALLOT more, isn't it?
      James 1:2-3-4-5
      "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." just pray jocee dear, you are a bright, persevering girl who has more strength with Christ than any champion wrestler may ever have ;). you're friends may or may not truly know Christ, i don't know, i have never met them, but they would be in danger if they were not of Christ, it's so very important to pray and persevere because these people need you jocee, whether they will admit it or not. you are a light for Christ, and they recognize that. you will have trials, we all will, but the bible says
      "The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed." (Psalm 103:6)
      isn't this absolutely FANTASTIC news? God sees what you are going through Jocee, and he will not leave you hanging. God will take care of his sheep. chin up, girl. Because this will not last forever. Christ is coming back, and there will be no more tears. <3

  32. Hey Jocee, I love this. I can completely and totally relate. Thanks for posting girl. Don't listen to the haters. You're fabulous! (:

  33. The same egzact (misspelled) thing happened to me.... But my friends were all out and I asked if one of them wanted to come over... No reply so I checked instagram and a few days before I said we should go caroling and they were like yah! So when I went on instagram there was pic on and it was a bunch of my friends CAROLING. I was devostated so when my other friend who lives an hour away wanted me to come over that made me feel wayyyy better. If you have other friends not part of that group go hang out with them and then maybe they'll see what it feels like.


sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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