8.26.2013

i wrote most of this yesterday.

august isn't really a month. not to me. it's more like a holding place - purgatory. and what awaits us in september is either heaven or hell. and i find that slightly terrifying. being away for two months, i feel like i'm still owed six weeks of summer. knowing i won't get it back, i have to absorb as much freedom as i have. i feel like now, my life is a time bomb. the days of waking up in my own bed are fewer, the times i hug her are farther between. and i'm a bit frightened and confused as to where i go from here. i know where i'm going. but i need directions. i need confirmation. i need a release. and i'm hoping september is the heaven i find that in.
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"layna?" "yes?" "what if you never end up being young and beautiful?" "we all are in our own ways, despite everyone's standard of beautiful. and this is a cliche saying but beauty is in the eye of the beholder." "but what if the beholder sees no beauty?" "that means they're not the right beholder. sometimes we need someone to see our beauty for us, or help us see it."

we spent the day together. we shot thirty minutes worth of video, fangirled over food (and various human beings), ate food, scrolled through tumblr, wrote on furniture, and laid groggily in bed unable to quite fall asleep (like trying to drown even though you're a professional swimmer). one of the nicest things about having a friend is being able to switch completely from lighthearted puns to theological questions. one of the nicest things about having a best friend is when they know the answer. let me tell you a secret. i often want to apologise to ocean because i am a handful. do you understand it now, layna? 

i'm sorry in spanish for any inconvenience 
i know you're tired of loving a handful of dust.

but thank you for getting a grip on me. and being here.






okay, no, i can't write this. i'm sorry. i'm doing my best not to cry in front of my mother and/or sister and/or father if he comes downstairs and i don't want to screw that up. i can't write about how i cried on spartacus and how i wasn't sure if you could tell i was crying from the way i was talking (but you are an observer) and i'm not sure if you realized i didn't even bother lying. i can't write about how i had to give you four hugs because sometimes i can't get enough. i can't write about how much it hurts to think about the ocean separating from the shore. (even though somehow you're always with me.) i can't write about how i'm scared i'll forget what you look like and i can't write anything about anything because i'm too afraid the incoherency will drive everyone away. my thoughts are racing (and so is my heart), and none of this would be happening if i weren't a senior in highschool today (save me). i'm going to try and say something, though. even if you only understand.

i love it when people love me, and i love it when they know what loving me means. sometimes, it’s okay if not many people love you. i’d rather have one person love me and know what it is to love me than hundreds of people who throw ‘i love you’ around like they throw around dirty clothes. instead, i love you comes when i’m doubled over in overdue tears. it comes in the form of a hand running through my hair as if to say “i’m still here.” i don’t know how, but you making loving me subtle. you make the worst days into something worth remembering. 

and i’m a senior today. i’m not dressed yet and i haven’t packed to leave. i don’t know what’s waiting for me out there, but i know i can always expect you.



i finally had my last huzzah, and the best part is it was with you.
love, your jo.

19 comments :

  1. JUST WOMAN I COULD LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE ALL DAY SINGING THAT. and that story, though. just... :) :) :) :) i can't stop smiling, okay. but every word is true, and beautiful, and raw, and your photos are just de bomb.com m'kay.

    k. bye.

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  2. THAT song. omg. i just started crying. dude.

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  3. you make me really happy and also the tiniest bit melancholy, but in a way that makes me dig deeper into myself. also, ocean is the sweetest and i'm really glad you two have each other. <3

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  4. how long have you guys been friends?

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    Replies
    1. about nine months now. wow. that happened.

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  5. this was so very beautiful. you two are amazing people ♥

    xoxo, elisabeth @ a flyleaf

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  6. stopcryingstopcryingstopcryingstopcrying.
    LIKE WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
    JOCEE.
    STAHP.

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  7. Great post! Did you sing that song?

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    Replies
    1. yes ma'am, i did! i locked myself in my room and didn't come out until i finished recording.

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  8. How the heck did you record that then!!!? That is so gorgeous.

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    1. garageband. i recorded the melody like three times over so it could have this cool multiple-but-same-voice effect (benjamin francis leftwich and the manchester orchestra do it, it's great), and then i recorded various harmonies to it would sound full. hi my name is jocelyn and this is what i do when i'm bored/nostalgic/missing her, which is pretty much all the time. <3

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  9. That's super amazing for just using garageband! I love your voice. It seems as though we have something in common... I write music and have recorded several of my songs at a small studio here in China where I live. IF you want to listen to my first one then here's the link and then that one along with another one are on soundcloud. And hi, I'm Annie :)

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  10. Ooo the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bu7mlIEGVOI

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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