8.15.2013

please believe me when i say.


for the longest time, there were pockets under my eyes. lines that sloped outward from the bridge of my nose. and yes, i was tired. i was stressed. i wasn't eating enough (well, not by my standards) and i was fluctuating on the scale. but someone told me, on the day i went to music conservatory in sweats and an old swim team tee, that i always manage to look at people with love. like my eyes are glazed, not with tears, but with positivity and belief. like i care. or that i'm paying attention to things others hardly so much as blink at. (don't blink or you'll die.)

when i got home, the lines went away. but the pockets were still there. and i looked at people the same way. but maybe a little bit more passionately. my emotions are more evident. ocean told me sunday before last that she could see everything in my eyes. everything meaning pain and tears that weren't there. i mean, i had a hard week. but still... hope and--and excitement and love. for people.

and lately i've appeared sadder, or something. like there's something wrong. or that i'm just having a perpetual crisis. and i'm not going to lie, in fact, i'm going to be very very honest here. summer is ending and i don't want it to because i don't want to start school or send in this application to UT and i don't want to audition for universities i just want to spend six weeks cuddling with my best friend (don't tell her i said that or she'll think i love her) (i do) and eating french food and lolly-gagging and being the idiot sixteen year old that i am and i don't want to get my license i don't want to do anything i just want to go to camp and i want to have the willpower to exercise and get my abs back and good Lord. what a sentence.

i told you to write from your heart (no matter how down it looks to your readers). so i'm writing from my heart. i'm actually taking my own advice. i am fine. i promise, i'm okay. in fact, johanna was the first person who said i was happier. like i'm "getting over the edge of a gulch that i've been slipping into." i've finally found a "foot-hole," and i'm getting out of it. but thank you for your prayers. they're much appreciated. and hugs aren't my strong-suit but i'd hug every single one of you.

please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough. 
and i will believe the same about you (perks).
xo, jo{celyn}.

10 comments :

  1. Jocee, you've got a way of expressing things so clearly. You remind me of Faulkner's book The Sound and the Fury- everything is written in a stream of consciousness. Which is why, I believe, your writing is so... it's just so easy to understand and feel and relate to. It gets into your veins and pulls your heart's strings.

    So besides that little volume... this is beautiful and so are you. I'm happy you are good and hope things will always look up for you.

    You're rad ;)

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  2. youre so raw and honest. thats what i love about you.
    and i would never have guessed that you weren't good at giving hugs. really? seriously? I always imagined you as a hug(gy) person...

    xo,
    rn
    www.rachelnicoleblog.com

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    Replies
    1. i used to be a hugger. and then i was shut down. read this for now, but there will be more on my journey back to physical affection in the hopefully-near future. :) http://onabedoflace.tumblr.com/post/57001231941/will-you-tell-me-a-story

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    2. oh, that was very beautiful, too. (gosh, everything you write is beautiful!)

      xo,
      rn

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  3. hope you feel better :) xx you're so pretty!

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  4. you might not be a hugger, but you still give the best hugs when you do. and i meant what i said, you're surviving and getting out and i love you a lot. <3

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  5. your stronger than you think, jocee.

    <3

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  6. this is beautiful and i loved reading it. and i'm must really kind of glad and happy and praying for you and wish you all the best in the world!

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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