the appointment.

double rainbow.
so, you said the last time you were there, you had lost a--
how long ago was that?
uhm, about 8 months or so. 4 days before my 16th birthday.
does it still hurt?
rarely. in dreams. or in passing.
let's move on. how was the car ride over?
i started paying attention when the speed limit sign said 80mph and the sky started to get darker. the road and the fields next to it were either soaked in sun or coated with shade. the rain dropped but a few times, and the A/C was on. they were talking and listening to the radio, i was reading and debating writing. 
and how was that?
i guess it was okay. it was quiet enough. i found myself scouting hills for potential photoshoots and wishing i had someone to be quiet with me, but it was an altogether decent experience. 
and you recognized where you were, as you were going?
i recognized the place where i broke down. i think it was a subway. the road curves a bit before the entrance, so yeah i remember that. i think we made a wrong turn somewhere, though, because the streets became narrow and i we drove through the ranch gate opposite to where we did the first time. 
when you got there, how did you feel?
i was trying to figure that out the entire time. there weren't any Christmas decorations. the pool was being vacuumed, but we still got to swim. there was barbecue like before. and a band. but the swinging bench was gone. i guess if there was anything definite i felt, it was sadness.
why sadness?
because i liked that bench. it was comforting, swinging and knowing when the seat would rise and fall. 
so you're saying you were sad the bench was gone because you knew what to expect with it?
yeah, i mean, it was a bench. it only really went two ways. back and forth. 
okay. what about the people?
they were nice. i got a lot of hugs. and i met a little girl who could write her name really well for her age. she was three. her name was kate.
and the swimming?
that was okay because nothing was expected of me. i just got in the pool and got out when i wanted to.
mmhmm. did you wander around? take any pictures?
of the sky. and this really nice tree. and the lights on the palm trees. and me. 
and how did you look in those pictures?
i looked emotional. not really sad, because i can detect my feelings in my eyes. i wanna say thankful. i think i looked thankful. 
why do you say that?
because for the most part, i was okay. last time i was there, there wasn't any part of me that felt okay.
did they dance? did you?
not square dance, no. they just waltzed around the pool. no, i didn't dance.
so overall, you would say you had a--
a nice time, yeah. it was cool outside when we left. it felt like autumn.
and that's another definite thing you felt.
okay, and... how was the car ride home?
i got to listen to classical music. i was a little excited because the next day was sunday.
and sunday means church.
and sunday means seeing ocean.
you shouldn't have to be ashamed about wanting to see her.
i know. sorry. 
don't apologize. they're your feelings. but anyway. you said you had a good day. i mean, especially good compared to when you lost--
but you didn't feel anything?
nothing specific. not really. 
but the last time you were there you mentioned that you were numb.
yeah, yeah i was. 
are you numb now?
that's good. you shouldn't be.

a personal account of last saturday and a reflection on december 8th. whatever's in the past belongs there. 
and when i do turn back, i only do it to say "look how far i am now."
-kiss kiss kiss, but you're still there-


  1. this is so sad... and happy. i guess... i really dont know what to think, because you seemed so SAD then... and i have no idea what happened, and i know you dont want to talk about it (i know how THAT is). i just dont really know what to say, except that i feel for you. i feel the hurt and the pain... even if you dont anymore. i still do.


    1. i was very sad then. i lost my friend four days before my birthday. and that was probably the worst day of my life. but i am okay now. the day we split up, i went to a square dance party at someone's house. last saturday, i went to the same house for a birthday party. i guess this is a comparison of my feelings then and now. and now, i am made anew. :) <3

    2. to tell you the truth, i actually went and searched for December 8th. Just to see if you had written anything about it. I understand how it must have felt, though I've never really had to go through that.
      Wait. Omigosh. To be completely honest (and I'm not trying to throw a pity party. Please don't think that! I really don't need pity. I'm happy where I am in life (only because of that person I talked about in my comments on your vlog a few posts back). But back to what I was saying... To be totally honest, I seriously can't recall ever having a "best friend". I've never had someone I felt totally comfortable with to tell all my secrets. I told one boy most of them when I was younger, we were little kids, really. And none of those secrets really relate to anything in my life anymore. and you know how it was back then. Very different. But, yeah. Really. I wouldn't call anyone in my past my best friend. Sure, I have friends, but they're pretty much all shared with siblings. Gosh. Wow. I have a few close friends who are all my own, but I almost never see them, and I wouldn't call them my best friend (though, if we saw each other more often, I think we could be, maybe.)

      Well, that wasnt meant to be a pity party, so please don't take it that way! I'm okay with where I am now. And I think I may just be finding my best friend. But I don't want the sad and lonesome... So I'm trying to slowly with it. Trying...

      Well, that's all. I keep leaving big comments, and then replying with big comments. Haha, well I'll just assume you don't mind. And that, like me, you love them! Haha

      Ps- okay, reading back over it. It sounds cheesy and corny, sort of. And stupid and silly. And scattered. And. Sort of stupid. And maybe I shouldn't post it. Because it sounds like I'm trying to "get something out of it" even though I'm not. But I'm gonna just post it anyway.

  2. this is a really beautiful post. the words and the way you wrote it. i liked it a lot. it reminded me of the book 'it's kind of a funny story". you should read it, i think you'd enjoy it. & i'm glad you're feeling better.

    1. i'm reading it AS I TYPE! it's SO good. i'm at the part where craig is celebrating with aaron. it's awkward, but funny.

    2. ahaha, that's one of the best parts! :-)

  3. this is just lovely. sad, but beautiful in it's own way. the wording made me shiver.

  4. jocee you have the fabulous way of being (for want of a better word) authentic without giving way to much personal information away and it is wonderful my dear !

  5. this is absolutely incredible. you write pain and make it beautiful. your soul keens (look it up if you must), and it's breathtaking.

    keep exhaling that grief. it leads to healing. <3 you are so loved.

  6. aww. this is just so beautiful. please, don't ever stop writing wonderful things x


  7. this--warmed my heart tremendously. you are an amazing writer, and i just want to tell you to keep on doing this writing / reflections. you don't know how many people you've touched <3 thanks.

    xoxo, elisabeth


sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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