how long ago was that?
uhm, about 8 months or so. 4 days before my 16th birthday.
does it still hurt?
rarely. in dreams. or in passing.
let's move on. how was the car ride over?
i started paying attention when the speed limit sign said 80mph and the sky started to get darker. the road and the fields next to it were either soaked in sun or coated with shade. the rain dropped but a few times, and the A/C was on. they were talking and listening to the radio, i was reading and debating writing.
and how was that?
i guess it was okay. it was quiet enough. i found myself scouting hills for potential photoshoots and wishing i had someone to be quiet with me, but it was an altogether decent experience.
and you recognized where you were, as you were going?
i recognized the place where i broke down. i think it was a subway. the road curves a bit before the entrance, so yeah i remember that. i think we made a wrong turn somewhere, though, because the streets became narrow and i we drove through the ranch gate opposite to where we did the first time.
when you got there, how did you feel?
i was trying to figure that out the entire time. there weren't any Christmas decorations. the pool was being vacuumed, but we still got to swim. there was barbecue like before. and a band. but the swinging bench was gone. i guess if there was anything definite i felt, it was sadness.
because i liked that bench. it was comforting, swinging and knowing when the seat would rise and fall.
so you're saying you were sad the bench was gone because you knew what to expect with it?
yeah, i mean, it was a bench. it only really went two ways. back and forth.
okay. what about the people?
they were nice. i got a lot of hugs. and i met a little girl who could write her name really well for her age. she was three. her name was kate.
and the swimming?
that was okay because nothing was expected of me. i just got in the pool and got out when i wanted to.
mmhmm. did you wander around? take any pictures?
of the sky. and this really nice tree. and the lights on the palm trees. and me.
and how did you look in those pictures?
i looked emotional. not really sad, because i can detect my feelings in my eyes. i wanna say thankful. i think i looked thankful.
why do you say that?
because for the most part, i was okay. last time i was there, there wasn't any part of me that felt okay.
did they dance? did you?
not square dance, no. they just waltzed around the pool. no, i didn't dance.
so overall, you would say you had a--
a nice time, yeah. it was cool outside when we left. it felt like autumn.
and that's another definite thing you felt.
okay, and... how was the car ride home?
i got to listen to classical music. i was a little excited because the next day was sunday.
and sunday means church.
and sunday means seeing ocean.
you shouldn't have to be ashamed about wanting to see her.
i know. sorry.
don't apologize. they're your feelings. but anyway. you said you had a good day. i mean, especially good compared to when you lost--
but you didn't feel anything?
nothing specific. not really.
but the last time you were there you mentioned that you were numb.
yeah, yeah i was.
are you numb now?
that's good. you shouldn't be.
a personal account of last saturday and a reflection on december 8th. whatever's in the past belongs there.
and when i do turn back, i only do it to say "look how far i am now."
-kiss kiss kiss, but you're still there-