10.09.2013

the burning house.

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original photo

if my house was on fire, this is what i would not bring:

i would not bring the recipe for oatmeal crumble that i ate raw;
the coarseness of brown sugar making my molars tingle.
i would not bring the kitchen knives that were sharp enough to tempt,
but dull enough to unsuccessfully do their job.
i would not bring the disappointment of forsaken tuesday afternoons,
i would not bring the snarky comments that stained the bathroom mirror,
i would not bring the biggest dress i am ashamed to say i still own (but do not wear).
i would not bring the impatience of late night fantasies,
i would not bring the apologies i didn’t understand but i still gave.
i would not bring my swimsuit. 

people ask me what makes me tick as if i’m a bomb that’s destined for detonation. 
i never knew why they were so interested in someone who’s constantly sopping up liquid, but i’ll spill.
i live for words. tell me you love me and i will always remember. tell me you hate me and i will never forget. 

words don’t slip, they jump. and everything listed above leapt off a cliff with the expectation of flying. 
maybe that’s why what goes up must come down. to spare the process of decay.

if my house was on fire, this is what i would not bring:

i would not bring the suicide note i penned the night my lungs lodged into my esophagus.
but i would bring the six-word footnote.

"death is no longer an option."

to spare me time and luggage space,
i would bring my life, because we carry so much baggage within ourselves,
and the only place it belongs is in the flames.

shoot me for lack of variety; i'm writing again and it feels hella good.
-kiss kiss kiss, pusheen-

14 comments :

  1. Beautifully written. And our priorities seems sound. That's what I would and would not bring too.

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  2. What do you mean by "lack of variety"? This is one of the best things I've ever read!

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  3. Jocee, my heart goes out to you! First of all, you are a wonderful writer. Second, I am so so glad that you brought the footnote and not the suicide note. We LOVE you Jocee and so many people love you and absolutely adore you and wish they were like you (ahem). You are authentic. You are classy. You are special. What you says matters.

    I'm not sure exactly why I'm telling you all this, except that I just really want to know. In short, you are a beautiful person.

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  4. Lovely, Jocee. You got me right here again.

    xo,
    rn
    www.rachelnicoleblog.com

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  5. As long as you remember that footnote and get out of the burning house, you're going to be fine. <3

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  6. Wait, so you were suicidal once?

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    Replies
    1. yeah, not the best of times. we just don't normally speak of it.

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    2. I'm sorry. :(

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    3. oh beauty. everything is fine now. thank you so much for your concern. have a double-stuffed oreo. :) <3

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  7. suicidal,broken,scarred..we've all been there love.xx

    dreaming is believing

    ReplyDelete

sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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