11.13.2013

i'm coming out on self-love.

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them loving you is like diving into the deep. you loving you is like testing out the water to see if it's alright. and sometimes, someone will push you in without pretense, and you'll be thrashing around unable to grasp something steady, but they will swim to you on their own accord, calm you, hold your head above the surface. i've learned that when you're learning how to love yourself, repetition is key. they have told me everything i've wanted to hear from my own ears over and over and over.

in general, if you tell yourself something enough times you will begin to believe it. and what they do will work the same way. trust me, learning to love yourself is not something you can do alone, because you will always doubt you. having them to help you is like dissolving those doubts in acid, because they will tell you how wonderful you are enough times to where you will be able to look at yourself in the eyes and say "yes, yes, i can see it now." yes, yes, i can see it now, and they won't let me see anything else.

them loving you is loving everything you've got. you loving you is a menagerie of different adjectives to fit the way you want to look in the outfit you've decided to wear. and when they tell you you are beautiful, it will feel like the gangrene of your soul is being removed and replaced with a gold illumination. when you tell you you are beautiful, you are forcing something down your throat that you need water to successfully swallow.

do not tell me that self-love has nothing to do with your physicality, because we have been taught to get in its car and ride along. we depend on our skin for plenty of reasons and it fuels the way we nourish our insides. so we were made by God from the inside-out. but we need to learn to look from the outside-in. that's the way it is in the world, right? through the looking glass. but this is something that we are not to do alone. and God speaks to us through so many people in so many different ways. to the point where we do not have the option but to look at ourselves -- not with disapproval, not with apathy, but -- with peace.

i'm coming out on something today. it's so cold out it might as well be Christmas, and i love myself. i love myself and i don't care about how much i weigh or which side is my 'good' side or the way my thighs look or my stomach or the palms of my hands. if only you knew how fulfilling it is to look up and realize that someone's love for you has no bounds. if only you knew that He is your Redeemer.

-kiss kiss kiss, guess what day it is-

12 comments :

  1. "if only you knew how fulfilling it is to look up and realize that someone's love for you has no bounds. if only you knew that He is your Redeemer." THIS <3

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  2. Beautifully and honestly said Jocee. It's nice to see some loving going on here.

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  3. this, as usual, is beautifully written.
    and it's effective, jocee. i feel inspired and even though i do not know you, i feel like i really love you:)

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  4. Love all of your words, but especially the last paragraph. I hope we can all learn to truly love and accept ourselves for who we are.
    Ps- YOU ARE A STUNNA.

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  5. oh, Jocee... I just read all of these posts, and they're all so good. but this one. this one is the best of all.

    xo,
    rn
    www.rachelnicoleblog.com

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  6. this photo of you is going in my phone as your contact. seriously gorgeous, beu. of course, your radiant confidence in Christ and honesty are what make you really beautiful, but it doesn't hurt to have such a fantastic smile + hair. x

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  7. Who gave you permission to be so beautiful and honest and understanding and brave? But, darling, they really look good on you. And yes, thank you for this. Keep loving just as He loves!

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  8. basically what you wrote here is exactly what has been going on recently inside of me.

    fear had glued me in it's shell and left me ugly. it felt like my limbs were stuck to my body with no freedom to move at all. i don't really know how to write well, but below are bits of the story of my break through -scribbled in the dark in the middle of the night, or at two o'clock on a tuesday afternoon. i'm still picking at pieces of glue that think they own me, but through my Redeemer's love they won't entrap me again. (also, just another reason why this was so written for me: that last sentence. i know others said that too, but i mean especially the use of the word Redeemer. it's been my favorite name for God recently, as it really fit's what He is becoming to me).

    "and then He painted her heart G O L D with His love for her. and she was filled with gladness. (like her heart was full of exclamation points.)"

    "she took His hand
    and when she looked at it,
    she saw on it was written her name: Beloved.

    this is the story of my life. right now i chose to stop listening to the lies, because my heart is beginning to grow sick. Jesus loves me and nothing in the world can change that status."

    *"day one
    day two
    and day three
    without feeling.
    she didn't know that she was numb.
    (that was the scary part)
    then on that third night she began to cry
    and it was wonderful.
    she whispered
    "i forgot what it
    felt like to feel."

    slowly she began to put back together the pieces of who she was. she didn't know when she'd lost them, or even that she had, but it felt good to have them back and they fit like home."

    *written on a night when i remembered that it was ok to feel (sooo freeing), that God is God of emotions too, and that twisted tangled ones aren't all bad. written on a night when i told myself that i was full of worth and value and even beauty.

    sorry that this is so long and mostly confusing, i'm sure, but thank you for letting this be a place where i can say what's going on in the world inside me. jocee, you rock.

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  9. This is so great! I cannot believe I didn't even know that there was all these other posts. As always, your words are refreshing to the heart and the mind. X

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  10. love this. and i love your smile. when you're drowning in the ocean of self-hate, it's beautiful to have someone brave enough to wade the waters and help hold you up until you can learn to tread water.

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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