1.02.2014

fractures caused by the lack of love.

"I'm anorexic and a cutter. I try to be perfect; I'm on the honor roll at school, I'm a top ballerina at my studio, I even have a boyfriend. People think my life is perfect, and from the outside, it is."
one day he came to watch me practice
pressing his face against the glass door.
that time around i was making such
a mess of choreography and technique
they should've put a "hazardous" sign on my leotard
because i was visibly self-destructing.

afterward he kissed me lightly on the forehead and i said,
"you don't have to be gentle with me."
he replied, "i don't want anything else to break."

i wanted to be a ballerina so i could handle things with grace,
but if you knew how fragile i've become, 
your image of me would shatter like what's left of my insides

please don't look up to me anymore;
i'm shrinking so quickly the pedestal you made won't be of any use.
please understand
that though they say all good things are forged in fire,
i feel like ashes.
and that though skin recreates itself every seven years,
i do not feel anything new.

once when i put my sister to bed,
she asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up.
i said, "i want to be a constellation."
and when she asked why, i said,
"because i want something stretching over my skin other than scars."
//

for the girl who deserves love despite what people see on the outside and in.
be safe, darling. you can be whole. i believe in you, and i love you.
-kiss kiss kiss, needle and thread-
{pea ess: title courtesy of sleeping at last.}

19 comments :

  1. You write so good. Goodest. Goodly. Gooderist.

    I give up.

    Love this project and you so much. I can't wait to see more. <3

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  2. amazing. stunning.

    you need to submit your poetry somewhere. seriously. this is gold.

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  3. Just sent up a prayer for this sweet, hurting girl. Beautiful, touching poetry.

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  4. oh man, i'm crying now, thanks.

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  5. your writing is just completely amazing.
    i love it!

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  6. You are a beautiful word shaker. I'm certain you will be a world changer too, somehow...

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  7. crying crying crying. what jem said ^^

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  8. oh gosh. i'm crying.

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  9. thank you for the tears. seriously this is absolutely AMAZING!!! i keep reading it over and over. oh my word. ajifdjaiorrekwafi

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  10. my heart kind of feels broken now. beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

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  11. please write a book. please.

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  12. This has to be one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. And I know everyone is saying that, but it's true!

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  13. Jocee, I wish the world was full of people like you. You give and give, over and over. That takes a very courageous person. I mean that truly, dear. You are brave and better yet, you make other people brave as well. And I think in this world that is really what people need (especially girls), someone that is good and wonderful and selfless and can say "I love you" a million times and mean it every single time.
    Have you ever considered becoming a counselor? I don't know your career plans (and I know you're going to do something wonderful), but you love so naturally and have been there for countless girls- I'm just saying, you'd be perfect in that position.

    Love you. I hope you see your favorite color today.

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  14. I really thought this post was beautiful.

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  15. God. tears. actual, literal tears. this is so incredibly beautiful. xx

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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