4.08.2014

kodak 400.

"the man i love died. he destroyed me, and then he died. and now i'm destroying myself." 
"remembering him is killing me. trying to forget him is killing me. either way, i feel like i'm going to die. i don't know what to do anymore."
i keep these film canisters in my makeup bag and i forgot about them until a few days ago when my
friend offered to do my face and accidentally spilled all the contents onto the counter.

i said, "oh yeah, those are old," as i remembered last labour day weekend when we drove past the park on the way to the bookstore and hung out in the backyard while my granddad barbecued corn, when we dodged mosquitoes and swept them off our limbs like it was a tarantella and whispered sweet nothings into the old phonograph, cajoling it to play chopin and

i think i only keep these canisters to remind myself you're not here anymore.

the funny thing about photographs is that they represent their own reality;
that somewhere behind the gloss finish you're smiling and still have time to breathe.
my granddad always says "what's passed has passed" and i think i want to join you there because

at least then you're still alive.
at least the current reality hasn't leaked into our frame.
(incidentally, all i see is darkness.)
(incidentally, i think that film expired when you did.)

i keep these film canisters in my makeup bag and i forgot about them until a few days ago when my
friend offered to do my face and accidentally spilled all the contents onto the counter.

i said, "oh yeah, those are old,"
and i think i have a hard time letting things go.

for two lovely girls who i strongly believe in.
-kiss kiss kiss, learn to live-
{pea ess: allow me to tell you your story.}

5 comments :

  1. Beautiful, Jocee. I love the way you write.

    xo, rn
    www.rachelnicoleblog.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. So beautiful. I don't have words. Those photos are so gorgeous, and then the story...I can't handle it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. check your mailbox, a postcard should be arriving any day!!!! ;-)

    ReplyDelete

sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...