5.10.2015

aquaman.

(things from my tumblr that weren't intended to go together but do.)
(should i make that a series thing?)

and just like that, i'm finished. one year of college done. i'm feeling particularly mushy these days, i think it started sometime before i went to see walk the moon in concert and just kinda escalated since then. (i've listened to aquaman at least 124 times since last week and i think i've cried every time.) the weather is actually kind of disgusting. it's raining and all that, but it's not the cleansing rain everybody loves--it's the sticky, humid rain that makes your notebook paper all moist and your hands all clammy and your hair too stringy to handle. i would probably be used to it by now if i didn't spend every waking hour in the music building at school. literally, we were in there so long the sun had gone down and the rain had already marked its territory. the weather is making things feel weird. but then, it's also making me feel. 

i don't know, i've just been thinking about a lot of things lately. for example:

1. sometimes i hate doing the right thing and believing what's right. okay so i don't hate it, but sometimes it's not fun. it's not enjoyable being the one person who doesn't have the same opinion as everyone else. you know that it'll pay off and maybe you'll be rewarded for sticking to your convictions, but when it comes down to it, you just wish you could believe what everyone else did and agree with them and not think about it twice. but you can't do that. and that sucks. 

2. alright, God has this really interesting sense of humour. my piano teacher says He's always smiling down on us, and i think that's true. but goshbubbles. sometimes i think He just straight up laughs at us sometimes. not in a cruel way, but in a "oh, that's so cute, if only she knew" kind of way. for example: when i got to college i thought that since i mostly had my style together and was confident in who i was, it would be super easy for me to get a boyfriend. and i thought i'd get one fast, and then God was like "lol you thought" and so i'm sitting here, still single, listening to aquaman and sobbing quietly. not really sobbing, but. i know this is not the time for boyfriends and things like that. or maybe i'm still trying to get that through my head. but i feel like God is up there chuckling to Himself, all like "oh, jocee, if only you knew." and He's right, because i don't think i do. 

3. i have little crescent moon shadows under my eyes. i think it's time to get some concealer. also, i want 1940s inspired sling-back sandal-heels. 

4. i think i've gotten so comfortable with being alone that i spend more time trying to avoid socialization than i do socializing. last night i hung out with my composer friend alex in her dorm with her friends and i realized that even though it wasn't much, what i needed was to spend some quality time with other people and talk about silly things. i think i've gotten a bit too serious. i think you need to make me step out and not let me turtle back into my little shell. because i'm super good at retracting, i just need to stretch more. 

5. i should probably exercise. and i need to change my diet, because this isn't working. 

6. nicholas petricca's dimple is so cute, oh my Lordest Jesus.

okay i'm done. i just needed to make sense of the things that were going on in my head. and i think i did that. i hope i didn't waste your time or anything, i just needed to talk. let's catch up again sometimes soon, yeah? yeah. 

-kiss kiss kiss, i said i'm not gunna take it from you i'll let you give it to me-
{pea ess: seriously been listening to walk the moon for eight days straight; they've intoxicated me, i tell you.}

3 comments :

  1. while reading number 4, i thought you had read my mind. (actually, this entire post hits close to home. i love your honesty, and the raw truth in all your words.) xox

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Jocee,
    You never waste our time.
    On the contrary, your mind is a very interesting jazzy blues place to peek into.
    That's just a random association that came with reading this.
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love this post. You see things that others don't and feel things that others do, but don't admit.
    Yea, yea, yea, this post made me 'appy.
    Random and beautiful.

    endlessgracephotos.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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