dear eli,

you don't know how many times i've started to write this letter. and by started, i mean "dear eli," and then the rest was all a blank page. i can never find the right words to say to you. the right words that won't get you thinking about the wrong thing.

it was nice to see you on saturday, at the film festival. i sure as heck didn't think i was going to. i walked out of a movie and was on my way to another and out of nowhere, your mom showed up. hey! have you seen eli yet? he's around here somewhere... and that's when my stomach dropped from outer space. oh, crap, i muttered, he's here? and we parted ways. i started to breathe quickly, violently. i felt like i was going to die. i went for a glass of water to think it'd numb the pain in my lungs. my stomach. everything.

when i walked outside and saw you there, with your mom and your friend, you looked different. taller, i guess. with your hair cut and trying to grow, and it was all the same color. no dye this time. i stretched my arms out for a hug and you extended your hand. so i dropped my arms. you shook my hand like we'd never met before. never met before. eli, i've known you for almost ten years! i know our friendship hasn't been the best, but really.

so we walked into the last movie. journey to jamaa. i tried to concentrate on the movie. and it was wonderful. but i couldn't help but think about how you shook my hand. and i cried. i cried because i realized you still think i like you. sounds childish, and it sort of is. but all i want now is to be your best friend. no strings attached, like the way it was when we were six and seven and seven and eight.

after the movie i dried my tears. tried to talk to you and your friend, forgive me i can't remember his name. the whole time you looked at me, looked at each other, and smiled as if to say, we've got to get away from her. i told you she still had a thing for me. so i did. that was like, two years ago! who freaking cares now?!

and after awhile, you all left. i could still hear myself in the subject as you walked away. the thing is, i imagined seeing you again so many times. but that night, when it happened, i was betrayed. my mind betrayed me. my heart betrayed me. my body betrayed me in the form of a blush. and then i realized that we're pretty much screwed. we can't go back and pretend this never happened?

when i got home, i cried so hard that i thought i was going to go blind. yeah, i know i messed up our friendship by developing a crush. a harmless crush. i just want a hug and i want to know that it's all okay.

i love you, too.

-kiss kiss kiss, cry me a river-
{pea ess: some songs that go with my mood. here, here, and here.}


  1. See. I told you you were a good writer. You're silly to think you're a bad writer because this is amazing. Even though it's real. and sad.
    love you.

  2. Oh Jocee... I am so so sorry you had to go through this. It may not be very comforting to hear this, but many of us have gone through this kind of thing, and can relate. {At least, I know I can...} Yeah, being a teenage girl just kind of sucks sometimes. {If you'll pardon my french. ;)}

    Hoping that you'll be feeling better soon,

    ~ Abby

  3. oh jocee i know exactly how you feel. it's something i've gone through a couple of times and all i want is to go back and have everything the way it was. hugs from me to you :)

  4. How was the film fest I wasn't able to go :(

    1. it was great! alot of really great films, and alot of films that had the potential to be really great films.

  5. Aww dear! I'm sorry you had to go through that. It'll be ok.

    <3 you.

  6. That hurts. It is all going to be OK. Don't worry. :)
    P.S. This reminds me of a song.. Smile

  7. Jocee, I know how it hurts, in a way. But hey. Eat some cupcakes, write some. It'll get better, promise.

  8. You're a fabulous writer Jocee. I feel like I was just reading an excerpt from a bestselling novel. (: Keep it up.

  9. dear me. isn't it weirdest feeling when realize that you still care about that *someone*...so much it hurts. that crazy frog-in-your-throat-heart-pounding-crying kind of feeling when you see them. and then the moment you've been dreaming of for the last however long passes, and leaves you listening to minor music and wishing it had been different. yeah.


  10. Oh I'm so sorry honey! That completely and totally sucks! I've ruined a friendship that way too (except in my case, he originally liked me back and he started it by telling me he liked me - I just didn't have the sense to tell him "no, it wont work out and our friendship will be ruined"). I'm reaaly sorry, but just think, now he's being silly by not moving on. You're doing the right thing:) Just chin up and smile :)

  11. ohhh, i'm so sorry, sweetie. i've been there -- it's no fun at all. and it hurts so bad. that dull ache that never goes away because the one you loved more as a friend than a crush, their face is always in the back of your mind.

    ...jeez, he could've at least hugged you!

  12. So sorry >(.".)< Jocee >(.".)< I know how you feel. I liked these guys named Daniel and Edwardo who were *blushs* really cute. I don't thing they even know that I liked them A LOT. Well, I don't see Daniel a lot and Edwardo moved back to Chile. So, welcome to the Lonely Hearts Club.

    =^..^= Hunteress =^..^=
    (Geez, 'where is the love?' Also, no hug = tears. Eli, look at what you did!!! *pouts for you*)

  13. I do know how this feels, dearheart. This kind of happened with me and one of my best friends. I guess I acted a little bit too friendly for someone, because they started spreading rumors that he and I we're "together." After we found out about that, he came over and he and I talked about it, agreed that is was a fabrication and told each other nothing should change about our current friendly relationship. You know how things go though, he will hardly even look me in the eyes these days. So now, when I think about it, I just go listen to Johnny Cash's "Get Rhythm" and I feel all happy again. Mostly. :)

    Things will be fine again, friend! But no hug? Lame. Here's a hug from me, ok? this is a hug <3

  14. Something like this is happening to me right now... it hurts. ;( But I know I'll be fine in the end.


  15. I'm really sorry, jocee, dear. I know how that feels and it's not fun. The no-hug thing is just depressing though. I hope you cry it out and feel better soon!
    hug, hug, hug, cup-o-tea,

  16. i'm so sorry :( I know how you feel. But trust me, soon he will hopefully stop his foolishness and open his eyes and try to be civil again, if its not to late.
    This has happened to me before, but it was my boyfriend. We were "courting" for about 7 months. And then all of a sudden he just ignored me. Completely. I can't believe that he lyed to my about loving me and all that jazz. It was hard. So I decided to just ignore him to.
    He tries to be my friend now, but I can tell he just doesn't want to, and frankly, I don't want to talk to him either because it hurts.
    But I think maybe Eli needs to grow up a bit ;)


sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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