i'm ticklish on just about my whole body. and sometimes when people touch me, i run like a deer in the headlights. and other times, i don't care. it's strange. sometimes other people's fingers feel like the continuous urge to sneeze, or when something itches but when you scratch at it it doesn't go away. when people touch you (on accident or on purpose), you tend to feel them even when they're gone. and sometimes i don't mind. but sometimes, yes, i do.
i got ready for bed slowly last night. and something tells me i know why, but i don't know how to explain it. the lamp was on and i had a fresh crop of bed clothes in the basket from the dryer. maybe i was just wallowing about, deciding which pair of pajama pants i should wear first this week. the pink pair i chose - they ride a little low on me, but tight enough to wear i don't have to tie the drawstrings. sometimes i like looking at myself in the mirror, at the way the pants are loose on my limbs, and i think that i still have some athleticism in me.
i guess that's what i was doing when joy popped up behind me and swiped a finger at my side. "what's that, sisser?" "hmm?" "what's that on your hip?" "oh. those are stretchmarks." "ew. i don't think i want those." "a lot of people have them. it's a sign of growth." "really?" "yeah--" [shrug] "--i think it means you have a big heart." [pause] "sisser, is your heart bigger than mine?" "yes." "does the heart grow when the body grows?" "yes." "even at night?" "yes." "your heart must be really big." and she can say that, because it's okay. "well, when my heart grows, i grow. it's all connected." and she looked at my scars, and she looked at me, and she said "okay."
she probably didn't really understand. and maybe she won't for a long time. or maybe she won't remember. we never really came to a big conclusion last night. no aura or epiphany. and maybe it's not true for everyone. that stretchmarks are the sign of a big heart. because sometimes, they're the sign of two hearts. and sometimes they can be signs for other things.
but initially, they're the sign of growth. maybe even growing together.
and i don't think they're something i should be ashamed of anymore.
-kiss kiss kiss, let it go-