2.06.2013

lately, feeling so out of touch.

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honestly, it hasn't been easy for me lately. this morning i wanted to sleep until the wind shook the curtains apart and the light opened my eyes for me. lately, i haven't really wanted to get out of bed, to face the day bravely. lately, honestly, i've been feeling so stupid, wondering what the heck i've been doing. 

around here and around other places, i've seen people rejoicing in the wonderful things God's doing for them. and i know we're supposed to rejoice when others rejoice, but when i saw their joy, i felt a pang of guilt. of jealousy. wondering why these things weren't happening to me. and i got really tired of it. i got tired of seeing people being happy while i was over here throwing a sort of pity party for myself. i dared to think, "why, God, are You not doing this for me? i have so many things i want to do right now. why is it that i'm not the one you've..." chosen, i suppose. and i realised it, eventually. i realised why i was feeling so angsty, so out of it. 

i've been incredibly busy. four dual-credit classes at community college, innumerable extra-curriculars and homeschool studies have taken over my world. at the end of the day, i don't feel like spending time with God. and it's not okay. mom told me one day, "as you get busier, it's more important for you to read the Word and spend time with the Lord." and i sort of took it half-heartedly. i understood it, but i didn't act on it. not really. 

and as a human being, i make mistakes. and i let myself make them when i know there's another way to go through this time of my life. my friends listened to me rant over boys, over trivial parent problems, over money that i need right now, over things that didn't make me feel any better once i got them out. right now, i'm not pleased with my photography. right now, every other writer seems to write more eloquent than i do. right now, i don't know if i want to take a break from blogging or to push through it with half-half-hearted posts and leftover pictures from the days when i was really proud of my photography. i just dwelled on myself, on the things that were going wrong, over and over and over. 

and last night, i decided to stop it. 

it was after 11:30. i put down the novel i was reading and opened a daily encouragement book that i got for Christmas. i caught up on the days i hadn't read the excerpts from Scripture or prose, and then i put the book down and i talked to God, really, for the first time in a long time. 

and i cried, and i stumbled over my words in harsh whispers, and i apologised for being so selfish and for not just shutting up to let Him speak to me when i should've. i didn't know what to do and i just wanted an answer. 

and i got peace. i felt a hand in my Spirit, just rubbing. relaxing. and i lied down and cried a little more. and i heard this Scripture:
come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest.
- matthew 11:28
and everything that was troubling me before just... it went away. i didn't feel stressed, i didn't feel overly tired. i felt safe and i felt content and i do feel that way right now. i'm trusting the Lord, i'm believing in Him, because in every season He is the same. no matter what's happening, He's the same. and He's always there to listen and to help, even when it seems as though we are beyond help. He gave me a new morning, a silver lining. 

and i just... i just had to get all of that out. i should be studying, i should be getting dressed, i should be keeping my schedule but what the heck, i just wanna brag on God for a second, yeah? i want to get closer to Him. i want to stop wanting and to start doing. and that's what i'm doing right now. 
delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
- psalms 37:4
please, let me know how i can lift you up.  
-kiss kiss kiss, i rest in You-

31 comments :

  1. ahhh. <3 this may be one of the best posts you've ever written, doll. love you lots. so happy for your peace and joy. xoxoxoxo

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  2. Jocee dear, these shots are full of magic, truly. They are so pretty I can't even describe it + I'm here for you. Just a message away. xo

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  3. awwwh i feel like that too sometimes. :( thanks for the wonderful post.
    http://feathers-and-arrows.blogspot.co.uk/

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  4. i think a lot of people are feeling like this. i think it's because new year excitement is over and we simply have way too much to do. i've been feeling really busy. i go to sleep sad because i feel like i haven't accomplished what i wanted to.
    but if you changed, i can change too.
    i'm pretty sure it's not that hard, i just have to really want to live a better life, right?

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  5. Oh Jocee....the root of all sin is selfishness. It's part of our fallen nature and even when we confess to be Christians we still have that selfishness within us. It is only by God's grace that we can be saved, and have the faith to put our trust in Him, to work in us according to His good purpose. {Philippians 2:13}

    Praying for you, and remember; salvation is a gift from God. {Ephesians 2:8-9}

    Nela

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  6. This post alone has uplifted me.

    It's amazing and so comforting to know that God's peace can come to us so gently and quickly.

    I was recently feeling down and the song "Please Don't Let Me Go" by Group 1 Crew came on. I closed my eyes, cried and asked God to hold on a little tighter and sure enough, I was met with peace shortly after.

    Thank you for sharing.

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  7. oh, this... just, this. this is what i needed, and i cried for you and your new-found peace and for myself, because i've felt the same way and need to do the same thing. thanks, dear.
    xoxo

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  8. oh the beginning of the year dread. i so understand. but God is so very faithful to us all...

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  9. ay-men. this was SO encouraging to me. i've been feeling like a loser lately. i've been feeling tired and empty and selfish. you know, just lacking energy to live life well. this post reminded me of how much i need Jesus, but mostly, it reminded me of the fact that no matter what i'm burdened with, he can take care of me and restore me. thank you so much for sharing this, friend. :)

    (oh, and picture 2? oh la la. we loves it.)

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    Replies
    1. ^^^what Abbie said.
      I like this post like kinda a lot.
      Unlike other blog posts, it doesn't leave me wishing my life was as "perfect" as theirs.
      This is real. This is you. And I just kinda like you.♥

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  10. This is so beautiful and encouraging! It really spoke to me because I know exactly how you feel. But God is taking care of every part of our lives...He is SO good!

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  11. this is so great. isn't God amazing, He is so faithful and great and good and pure and perfect.
    Love the writing!

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  12. AMEN GIRL!!!! :) The Lord is so good. This seriously almost made me cry! :) I've sorta been feeling the same, so this post was something I needed to read.

    Love,
    Manda
    http://meandjesus-amanda.blogspot.com

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  13. this is one of the best posts (and most encouraging ones) I've ever read. Thank you, darling Jocee, for being brutally honest with yourself and us. I think it's beautiful to see that you make mistakes too--you don't talk to God when you need it the most (I've been there many times) and we don't always listen to mother's advice when we should (they're almost always right!). This really is amazing.

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  14. This is quite honestly the most beautiful and relevant thing I've read in a while, I've totally been feeling this way lately too. x

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  15. whyyy do you always make me cryyyy (but in a deep wonderful good way)? jocee, this is so relevant and honest and beautiful and truthful and poingant and i just can't thank you enough for posting this; it's such an encouragement.

    i love you.

    pom

    ps just in case you're wondering, if you did more posts like this i'd be over the moon.

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  16. seriously, I'm in tears. My last couple of days have been... not so good to say the least. Actually the last couple of weeks have been just blah. I just want to sit around in my bed and cry for no reason. anyways, back to the point.. this is the best thing I've read in ages. I just realized I've been "pushing" God back a bit lately, not any major, I've just been neglecting my time with him. and this helped me push everything back into perspective . it's beautiful!

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  17. That was awesome, Jocee. Thanks for sharing. :)

    Nicole's mom

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  18. This is wonderful, Jocee. I can't tell you how much I can relate, and how beautiful this is. Thank you!

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  19. I've been feeling swamped lately, too. It's hard to "find time" to read my Bible but it's really one of THE most important things in the world. I read it even when I don't feel like it and I've always come away feeling better. Keep reading! :) Beverly from Teen Court

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    1. ahhh, bev! SO glad you got to read this!
      your words are incredibly encouraging. i will definitely keep them in mind.

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  20. This is kind of like a summary of my whole life right now. I always want things, I never have enough money, or time, and I feel like I should get closer to God. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't go to church, and I have been trying to convince myself that I can connect with God anywhere.

    Thank you so much for posting this; it lets me know that I'm not the only one that has been feeling these things.

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  21. That up there? That was me a few nights ago. As you know, the past few weeks haven't been the best for me, for various reasons (though the ones I told you I realize are QUITE trivial, and nothing to complain about - also, my life is nothing to complain about, I really have an amazing life because I have an amazing God.)
    And the Matthew verse, that is now forever ingrained in my heart and mind. It's such a simple statement that is even way beyond the word of "reassuring." Ah, God is just so so so good. Even when I, too, tell him "why, God, why are you doing this?" he is so good and he is so understanding and he is so forgiving. I'm really doing much much better, because I've renewed my faith in God. He is my rock.
    I pray for you every day, just so you know. You're a huge blessing to me. I didn't really have any friends, and then God gave me you. So cheesy, I know. Cheesy is sometimes the truth, though.
    So anyways, thanks so much for everything.
    And also, don't you ever even think that your writing isn't as "eloquent" as others. You're one of the very best writers I've ever had the privilege of reading, and I mean that with everything.

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    1. oh dear me, oh my, i'm going to cry.
      you precious girl, you. and that is what you are, darling, precious. don't you ever forget it.

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  22. ugh. i just wrote out a whole comment and this dumb spanish internet threw it all away. it tossed it in the trash yes it did. #oksorry

    anyways what i was going to say was: i love love this! (oh and you too) i can so relate. i felt like that all threw january. not saying january wasn't a good month. in fact it was great, but i wasn't at "peace" i felt rushy, not as bad as last fall, but enough to make me stressed and put God on the back burner. i think i left that atmosphere right in time. here in el salvador i feel super close to Him. I haven't actually read the Bible a whole lot. but i've been praying. so much. it's a constant flow of (english) words in my head talking to him. begging him to help me, to give me the right word conjugated right, to know whats expected of me in this culture, asking him to help me not be awkward with certain people (guys ;)) and mostly thanking him for this amazing opportunity.

    and i gotta say. you're way my favorite blogger. your words are just to my liking. prose. simple. flowy. and constructed. just the way i would write if i could ;) i never ever come away from your blog feeling like ohmygoodness no she has got it togethah! nah. i usually go away feeling blessed, encouraged, or feeling like someone relates. you have happy days. you have days where you struggle. and you're real. not in the trendy way where it's like "i wanna be real and authentic guysss" (not that its bad. i just feel its gotten to a point that it's a wee bit overused #movingon.) so thank you, jocee. for being "here" for us. for sharing yourself with us. for being real. for being honest. open. and mostly, just for being you ;)

    xx

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  23. jocee, you dazzle me.

    but then again, you dazzle everyone.

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  24. Jocee,
    How is it that when I needed it most, you post feelings that are similar to mine. Thank you.
    Lately, I have been praying and praying, but I don't seem to receive an answer. It's been a month now. But I'm trying to keep in mind, that it will come in God's time. Not mine. No matter how much I want my question(s) answered.
    This is one of my favorite posts. It is so honest and heartfelt. Beautiful.

    I sincerely thank you for sharing this. It helps me to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel.

    Best wishes,
    ---->> Kate

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  25. oh my. what can i say to this? you've already said it all in a very convicting, nevertheless, encouraging and challenging way. this is just too amazing.

    Jemimah C. // Ink & Iridescence

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  26. this was such a HUGE encouragement to me today - i'm having a hard time right now, dealing with grief & loss on top of being sick. sometimes seeking the Lord seems so difficult whenever you feel like you can barely hold it together. these words were like honey to the soul, cold water to a parched tongue, though. thank you for sharing your heart & struggles. i'll be praying for you, dear, if you could pray for me too? thanks. :)

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  27. This is so uplifting and encouraging, Jocee. Thank you so much for sharing this. And that verse: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest- is my favorite verse. And I need to start remembering it.
    --

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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