honestly, it hasn't been easy for me lately. this morning i wanted to sleep until the wind shook the curtains apart and the light opened my eyes for me. lately, i haven't really wanted to get out of bed, to face the day bravely. lately, honestly, i've been feeling so stupid, wondering what the heck i've been doing.
around here and around other places, i've seen people rejoicing in the wonderful things God's doing for them. and i know we're supposed to rejoice when others rejoice, but when i saw their joy, i felt a pang of guilt. of jealousy. wondering why these things weren't happening to me. and i got really tired of it. i got tired of seeing people being happy while i was over here throwing a sort of pity party for myself. i dared to think, "why, God, are You not doing this for me? i have so many things i want to do right now. why is it that i'm not the one you've..." chosen, i suppose. and i realised it, eventually. i realised why i was feeling so angsty, so out of it.
i've been incredibly busy. four dual-credit classes at community college, innumerable extra-curriculars and homeschool studies have taken over my world. at the end of the day, i don't feel like spending time with God. and it's not okay. mom told me one day, "as you get busier, it's more important for you to read the Word and spend time with the Lord." and i sort of took it half-heartedly. i understood it, but i didn't act on it. not really.
and as a human being, i make mistakes. and i let myself make them when i know there's another way to go through this time of my life. my friends listened to me rant over boys, over trivial parent problems, over money that i need right now, over things that didn't make me feel any better once i got them out. right now, i'm not pleased with my photography. right now, every other writer seems to write more eloquent than i do. right now, i don't know if i want to take a break from blogging or to push through it with half-half-hearted posts and leftover pictures from the days when i was really proud of my photography. i just dwelled on myself, on the things that were going wrong, over and over and over.
and last night, i decided to stop it.
it was after 11:30. i put down the novel i was reading and opened a daily encouragement book that i got for Christmas. i caught up on the days i hadn't read the excerpts from Scripture or prose, and then i put the book down and i talked to God, really, for the first time in a long time.
and i cried, and i stumbled over my words in harsh whispers, and i apologised for being so selfish and for not just shutting up to let Him speak to me when i should've. i didn't know what to do and i just wanted an answer.
and i got peace. i felt a hand in my Spirit, just rubbing. relaxing. and i lied down and cried a little more. and i heard this Scripture:
come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest.
- matthew 11:28
and everything that was troubling me before just... it went away. i didn't feel stressed, i didn't feel overly tired. i felt safe and i felt content and i do feel that way right now. i'm trusting the Lord, i'm believing in Him, because in every season He is the same. no matter what's happening, He's the same. and He's always there to listen and to help, even when it seems as though we are beyond help. He gave me a new morning, a silver lining.
and i just... i just had to get all of that out. i should be studying, i should be getting dressed, i should be keeping my schedule but what the heck, i just wanna brag on God for a second, yeah? i want to get closer to Him. i want to stop wanting and to start doing. and that's what i'm doing right now.
delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
- psalms 37:4
please, let me know how i can lift you up.
-kiss kiss kiss, i rest in You-