8.30.2013

allow me to tell you your story.

letter writing

a few things. numero uno. i don't know if it's been going around or if it's an exclusive thing, but some people have been submitting secrets to writers, and they in turn put up some poetry based on it. i like that idea. i like it a lot, so i've decided that i want to do it too. tell me a secret (anonymously or no) and i'll write you a thing. this kind of ties into the other thing, so numero dos. i don't know if you knew or if this is the first time you're being notified, but i'm writing a book. it's kind of a collaborative effort. i'm looking for people to tell me a story. it can be fiction, it can be poetry, it can be anything. personal experiences, all pertaining to the middle ages (the teen years). all stories will be anonymously (or not, if you don't want them to be) put in my book mixed in with my own writing, and eventually [hopefully] published. so calling all existing human beings. i need you. email me because i'm handing out deadlines and cracking the whip. the best stories are the ones that are unafraid. so what have you got to lose? 

-kiss kiss kiss, the ritz-

81 comments :

  1. Sometimes you fall in love with someone by all conventional counts - unattractive, completely - and you can't understand why - but somehow, it's more serious than any other "relationship" with the cute guy, the hot guy, the cool guy. He's not cute, he's not hot, he's not cool (he thought the Superbowl was basketball). Yet, this is him. This is love. This is who you want to marry, shockingly. (You've never been able to imagine - physically - the guy you want to marry. And now he's materialized.) But he doesn't know, oh no, not yet. He likes you (oh happy day) but you're not sure about love.

    But that can wait. There's plenty of time for him to figure it out. And the best part is, you can feel it in your heart - he will.

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    1. Did I write this? This was me. Wow. You can't tell anyone, not your best friend and not your sister, and no- not even your journal- but somehow, you just know. These were my feelings written out- so thank you, anonymous.

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  2. okay, just sent it... gosh, that was like so hard to send.
    like... okay. as soon as i put send (which took a lot), i put my hands right up to my head and wondered why i did it.
    but i feel good about it... sort of.

    xo,
    rn
    www.rachelnicoleblog.com

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  3. woah, awesomeness. i'll send mine in asap, but it probably won't be till Monday night or Tuesday because I going to be away from home for Labor Day (i hope that's alright)
    but anyway. this is just really awesome.

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  4. You know what? I just had an idea. You should take some of your favorite entries from the emails and comments you get and read them on your next vlog! :D (and I sent you an email :) )

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  5. It's not working when I try to click on email because I don't have some thing installed on my computer. But if you send me your email I'll send you my secret.
    ahiebert(at)live(dot)com

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  6. What a sweet idea, love this...I'm sure it'll be great. :)

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  7. I like that idea a lot too. Making poetry out of secrets. Other people's. But my own? I've never felt like I have had any secrets. Maybe that's because I can't tell the difference between secrets and things no one knows about me.

    The secrets I can think of are other peoples, that I have carried. In silence, they have smoldered and burned me. In openness, they have broken and cut me.

    Of my own....I can think of things to hide, things that I would never tell anyone, but do they count as secrets?

    I've never had a real crush on anyone and I wonder if anybody's ever even had one on me. I'd be afraid to know, because I'm pretty sure the truth is obvious. And it's almost better this way.

    And all this just sounds like the typical teenage girl insecurities, but that's where it's at.

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  8. The real secret is that this book isn't really going to happen, you'll just add it to the pile of other things you never finish

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    1. even so, that doesn't stop me from starting.

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    2. Oh, seriously... just shut up. At least she's starting something, she took a step out and said "this is something I want to do" and she started it. Even if it's never published, she was brave enough to stick her head out and start pursuing a dream.(and I think that's more than the rest of us can say for ourselves) #hurrahforjocee

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    3. please take your negativity elsewhere jocee is a flawless human being shooo shoo shoo

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    4. anon: http://lolzombie.com/8458/acting-person-rogers-knew/

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    5. anon, you can buy the book here: http://www.amazon.com/Era-Mixed-Feelings-curated-adolescents/dp/1517150868/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1448518202&sr=8-1&keywords=the+era+of+mixed+feelings enjoy! :)

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  9. my insecurity as a teenager is being me. i fail a test, and then say something and suddenly, i'm smart. people tell me to my face that i'm ugly, and i've been told how beautiful i look.

    i don't know who i am. i don't know who i want to be. and i think that's my biggest secret and struggle.

    -A reader

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    1. i have something special for you. it's not poetry, it's more like a shpiel about who i am in comparison to the vast majority of people i meet. i want to post it sometime soon. it has my name in it, but it's officially for you. also, from one misunderstood human being to another, i'd like to tell you you're wonderful. not because someone else might say it if they were in this situation, but because it's true. we're all born with this awful sin nature and yes sometimes we tap into that sin nature, and other times we let ourselves be cleansed by Jesus Christ. i'm not trying to preach but jsyk, God loves you more than teenage girls love one direction. He hurts with you when you face the things you have, and He wants you to run to Him because cuddling is like, His favourite thing, so. keep your chin up because you never know when someone's going to take your picture.

      also, it's okay if it's hard for you to see yourself as beautiful. it's hard for me too. but sometimes, if it comes to that, remember that you're not the only one made to see yourself as beautiful. sometimes you need another person to show you life from their lens. in a way, everyone is a photographer. they all see things differently. for instance, some mornings i've looked in the mirror and thought i looked like a man. every morning ocean has seen me, she's told me my eyes are really brown. sometimes i don't understand why she likes them so much, but i thank God for her everyday. not just because of how she makes me feel, but because she was brought into my life.

      if you don't feel like someone is seeing you the way you deserve to be seen (in a positive way), holla at me. i love making new friends. <3

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    2. ohmygosh, ok that anonymous right there up there ^^^ said exactly what I would have said if I had found the words to say it....

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  10. I'm anorexic & a cutter. I try to be perfect.. I'm on the honor roll at school. I'm a top ballerina at my studio... I have a bf people think my life is perfect... From the outside it is

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    1. Oh sweetheart my heart aches for you <3. I wish I could just sit by you and talk to you and be there for you. I may not know who you are, but God does, and He is there for you. He loves you more than words can say - He always has, and He always will. He thinks you are beautiful and special and gifted and made for a purpose <3. And you are.

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    2. Oh I always feel terrible when people say things like their heart aches because of something I did / wrote I'm so sorry. Thanks.... For those encoraging words

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    3. Oh, please don't feel terrible! That wasn't my intention. I just wanted to let you know that even though I may not know you personally, I do care about you, and I really really want you to know and experience how much God loves you, and the salvation He is holding out to you, if you will accept it.

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    4. I am a Christian... I fell away from him when done hard times came and there still her but I'm coming back but I am a Christian

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    5. Well, ill be praying for you sweet girl <3 never forget how much He loves you

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  11. you care so much about people, enough that you want to share their unspoken stories. and i love you for that, xx.

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  12. Why do you let idiots like the anorexic person post? She's some twig skinny white girl who has it all and still complain

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    1. I'm the idiot anorexic, you don't know me or my life or my skin color. I am white but that doesn't mean anything. My dad was laid off for 2 yrs and just got a barley minimum wage job. I've been trying to help my parents make ends meet. I didn't sit down and go you know what I want to be anorexic that sounds fun. No I was trying to be skinny and make my mom happy!!!! I was 12 & 95 lbs I didn't know the damage I would do I didn't know I would be 15 and still struggling . Please don't judge people you don't know half of my story

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    2. good for you, girl. i'm rooting for you. <3

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    3. You are perfect and amazing Jocee. Literally. I lov eyou sososoosoosoooo much <3

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    4. i love you too, darling. <3

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  13. allow me to tell you my story.

    i'm a pianist and i'm getting really good at telling when someone else is, too. there's something about their fingers. they're naturally spaced apart and slender, and sometimes the detail in sections (i divide fingers into three parts - can't you see it in the lines?) is really visible. sometimes it's not.

    there's something about the palm of their hand. it gracefully flows from their fingertips at an angle, kind of like the way the waist flows into the hips. backhand-wise, there are dimples where their knuckles are, most prominent when relaxed. but they hang on for a little while until contracting into little knobs, like the lock on a door. their veins protrude (in an attractive way, if that's possible) from their knuckles and fade away, like the last chord in chopin's fourth prelude (e minor, if it matters.)

    they're also on their wrist, right next to the bone that is probably more prominent with anything else. i know everyone has one, but it's prominence excites me. it's attractive to me. that's one of many things i make myself feel bad about. anyway. the way their hand relaxes. you notice how their hand kind of flops down at a 75 degree angle. you notice how their fingers are in perfect position, like ballet. you notice how quickly their forearm jumps to attention, how they write, how they finish projects, how they stand and sit and everything.

    it wasn't too long ago that i started looking at my hands and thinking "meaty, large." it wasn't too soon that i looked at my wrists and started thinking "there's no curve. nothing is prominent enough. what can i do about this food..." and ever since then i started looking at other people (hands and more) and comparing them to myself. "i'd like her legs. i'd like her bum. i'd like her wrists and the way her neck perfectly accents her jawline. i want her shoulders. i want her hair. i want the shape of her eyes." i want i want i want i want i want but at the same time i'm jocee and who am i if i feel these things yet tell others not to?

    i'm just like everyone else. i'm not trying to prove that, because i think my readers know. and what they also know (some more than others) is that stuff like anorexia (and bulimia) and cutting exist. what they don't know is that i've tried starving myself. what they don't know is that i've almost broken skin (but i haven't and i never will.)

    here's what you don't tell someone who's depressed: it's all in your head. that'll only drive them over the edge. here's what you don't tell someone with anorexia: "go eat a sandwich." because it can get to the point where it makes them sick to eat. the solution to what's killing you will only make you feel worse. here's what you don't tell someone who cuts: "just quit thinking about it." true, the thoughts you keep are the ones you choose to let in, but some thoughts just show up without any pretense.

    here's what you don't tell anyone: "you have it all. quit complaining." happiness is different for everyone. and friendly notification that joy is not happiness. and friendly notification that not everyone who "has it all" is happy. and friendly notification that there are different types of "having it all." and you know what's pretty frigging unfair? the political correctness of defending people who are overweight, and the automatic criticism of people who are thin (naturally or not). honey, you don't always know. no one does.

    here's what you don't ask me: "why do you let idiots like them post?" they are still human. they have a story to tell. it's not an edifying tale, but it's blunt and unafraid. and some people need encouragement, and sometimes they need to know they're not alone. and in this case, i guess i'll be the one to tell them that.

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    1. i'm not sure whether to be proud or ashamed that this makes me so happy or what, but you just described my piano playing hands. perfectly. and the way you went into so much detail.

      on another note: BEING ANON MAKES ME BRAVE, so. the words you write i can't even describe them because my words are so weak in comparison but please know that they are life changing. you seriously are a life changer. i don't know if you know it, but yeah, you are. i didn't even know it was possible for someone over the internet who blogs at "thecupcakedictionary.blogspot.com" (i mean for reals) to change my life but yeah. i wish i had your blog in book format because then i'd have it by my bed and read my favorite posts whenever i felt like it. and i'm not just saying that to make you feel good it's the truth. that is why i will by your book when it's published. (because yes of course it really is going to happen. duh. it's jocee guys.)

      i feel weird saying that i love someone i don't know, but i will say i love who you are and what your doing being so brave and being there for other people and loving them. thaaaaank you.

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    2. i feel like you understand. thank you. i have tried cutting, i haven't broken skin. but i have left terrible bruises, even though they are only visible if i wear short shorts or if i wear a swim suit, i feel as though i always have to hide them. i am also very, extremely self conscious of my belly and my ribs. i always feel like i should be losing weight because of some chubby rolls on my stomach because i want a waist. i hate my ribs because they are so large and even if i lose weight i will most likely never have a waist due to the angle of my ribs. i have pushed my ribs so far in that it left makes and i have been eating less and less since my insecurities started but i am too scared to starve myself. thank you. i feel like someone understands the mere want to but the fear and not being able to.

      ps. also thank you for calling out the haters/trolls and making it clear what not to say to a person, i know how it feels to be told that.

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  14. i'll tell you this: i standing in the frigid cold waters, wrists bleeding, head pounding, depression curling itself around me in chains i can't let loose, and all i can think about anymore is just slipping under and letting myself drown.

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    1. relevant six-word stories #4: whatever you do, don't you dare.

      you should listen to restless by audrey assad, and arms wide open by misty edwards. listen and know that i love you, and so does the God who made you.

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    2. i can't promise anything anymore.
      but thank you.
      and know i love you too, because i hand out love more often than i should, probably (although you are most deserving of it, dear).
      (i'm not just an anon,
      you know me [at least online],
      but i'm too afraid to say anything).

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    3. well, if you ever want to email me, you have that option. you don't have to, of course.
      thank you SO much for reaching out. whether anon or not, you are so brave, beautiful. and if anyone says otherwise, you have my permission to smap them (smack/slap). keep breathing, keep trusting. understand that you have a purpose, and ask the Lord how He wants you to fulfill it. <3

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    4. How I wish I could sit next to you, anon, over a cup of cocoa, and tell you how special and beautiful and wanted you are. God loves you so much and has a special plan for your life, even if it seems impossible to see right now. He loves you. And he says you have purpose, beauty, and worth. Please don't forget it.

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  15. I really like a guy. A close friend. I think about him a lot, and I always want to be around him.

    But I wish I could UN-like him. Because I don't think he'll ever like me, like almost all other guys.

    And I don't know why.

    I don't know why hardly any guys have shown any interest in me, and it hurts. It hurts to feel unwanted, wondering why I am not desirable, why I am not pretty, why boys don't give me a second glance. I know God loves me, and that is more important than any boy loving me. Just being honest though, I still struggle with wondering why nobody "likes" me.

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    1. i will create poetry for this, but for now, i want you to watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0
      pardon some of the language, but it's extremely relevant. <3

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  16. okay, it's taken me this long to finally write this.
    I'm an overweight teenager. I've been like this for the last few years and this summer I've finally doing something about it. I've been on a journey to get healthy again, I've been following a healthy diet.. but I haven't been able to see results. My mum is forever making little comments here and there about my weight and although she doesn't mean to hurt me, they stab deeper than she will ever know. Sometimes I just hate myself. Not my personality- I know I was created by the God of the universe, I know I am special, and I know who I am in Christ- but I hate who I've become (physically). Sometimes I hate myself because I can't seem to stick with a diet, and I keep finding myself slipping. But nobody knows how I feel- not even my best friend (I trust her with everything else- but I don't have the courage to speak to anybody on this). But I never bring up the subject, and I am a genuinely happy person, so nobody would ever guess I feel this way. The only thing I have to testify to this is the tear filled nights with a wet pillowcase, and the long frustrated journal entries.
    and *deep breath* that's my secret.

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    1. i keep checking back at this post. jocee seems to have started something.
      dear anonymous... i'm in the same boat. i'm a teenage girl that's struggling with her weight also. I'm overweight. I'm trying to fix it. I'm also a christian and I know I should appreciate how God made me but he didn't make me like this and I want my body to be fit and healthy for him. but it's been so hard and sometimes I'm not sure if what I'm doing is even working.

      I don't know if you're a blogger or not- I was one at one time... but if you'd like.. maybe email me? it's passionatephotographer7(at)gmail(dot)com. it may be too much to ask. your words resonated SO much with me. This is a genuine creeper comment... I actually can't believe I'm doing this... but we don't even have to share info if you don't want to- obviously besides our email addresses. perhaps we could just share our struggles and successes, verses of hope, etc. I've been long looking for a partner in this journey. I haven't found one yet because most of my friends are in good shape overall and don't know what it's like to be looking at needing to lose around 45-50 lbs. (I've never been a healthy weight at my height, so I'm not sure what my goal weight is.)
      so anyway. even if i don't get an email, i'll be praying for you. it's so hard, but we are victorious through Christ, right? :) xxx

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    2. i'm going to tell you something an anon told me via tumblr. this is pre-poetry. what i have in store for you will be plenty longer than this.

      "do not touch your body with bad intentions. rub your belly when it is full. stroke your soft skin. hug yourself, even if it's silly, because it feels nice. do not touch your body with bad intentions. do not pinch at the fat on your stomach. do not scratch at your skin. do not hate the shell you're encased in."

      so what if you ask me "but what if your belly is always full?"

      oh baby. that just means you have more room for love.

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    3. Jocee- wow. I never realized I did that- so much. All the time. I'll grab my jiggly arms or my "double chin" all the time hating myself.
      Marcia- I'll be looking forward to it!! I'm so glad my comment was well received. :)

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    4. Wow. I feel the same way. I know God created me and that I'm beautiful in His eyes, but to me I think, "He didn't create me overweight. That's my fault." And then I have friends who are like 50 pounds lighter than me calling themselves fat and that doesn't make me feel any better.

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  17. A photograph is a memory frozen in time, holding so much power over the viewer. It has the ability to evoke emotions-whether they are good or bad.
    I saw a picture of myself from nearly two years ago. Who is that girl? I thought, forcing myself to continue staring. I wanted-with every thing inside me-to look away. But I didn’t. Could that have really been me at one time? That ghostly, pale fragile figure. She was smiling but her tired eyes betrayed her, sad and lonely.
    Yes, I remember that girl.The one who wouldn’t eat cake at parties, and pushed away the plate of spaghetti at dinner time. The one who measured herself in that silent, cold bathroom. The girl who lay in the bath tube the night before her birthday with tears in her eyes, razor blade in hand, thinking to herself “I could end it. I could end it all right now.”
    But she didn’t. She lingers in the back of my mind and almost never shows her face. I don’t always like to think about her. Because she reminds of me of a time in my life that was so dark, so void of hope and friendship.
    I think it’s only right to remember her sometimes. Because she also reminds me that God still loved me when I thought I was unlovable. He was my shelter, even though I pushed him away. Even though I broke promise after promise. He comforted me when I cried. He put people into my life to speak truth. He began to heal me-from the inside and out. And He lifted me out of the despair and the shadow and breathed new life into my soul.

    -From the girl who is proof that recovery is possible.

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  18. wow. reading these comments, I've seen how crazy full of love you are. it's beautiful.

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  19. just reading these brought tears to my eyes. jocee, dang girl. you know how to touch people's hearts. don't ever stop. x

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  20. There was a day when I used to be proud of myself, of my appearance, of my body. But today is no longer that day. One day, I looked in the mirror and decided to starve myself. I've been starving off and on, carefully, so no one will notice. I, too, promised myself, "You may starve, but don't ever break the skin on your wrist." But one Sunday, out of curiosity, I carefully pressed a blade against my wrist. Now, I cut my hips every night. For a time, I told myself that I wasn't hurt or depressed enough to harm myself in such a manner, but I know now that you have to hate yourself quite a deal to break skin so often. My heart hurts, but I can't stop. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I have people who love me, I have my Lord, but the one who hurts me the most is myself; but I don't know how to stop.

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    1. ask Him to help you. He will, because He loves you. and so do i.

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  21. I have an eating disorder and everyone hates me for it. When I don't have natural, often organic food, I get anxiety attacks. It happened at our school camp trip and I now have to see a nutritionist, counselor, and therapist. I obsess over food and calories. The disorder lost me more friends than I'd lost in my life. I exercise for an hour or more every day and still count calories even though I'm not supposed to in recovery. I'm the thinnest girl at my school and I am obsessed with it staying that way. I hope my ribs are always this prominent and that my thighs will shrink down. I hate the stupid fat I've gained in recovery. I don't need it anyway.

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  22. I sit in crowded rooms, surrounded by people. Nobody is alone or lonely because they all have someone to talk to, who loves them and they love back. They talk, talk, talk, overlook me. I am the only one without someone true to me, someone who loves me as much as I hate myself. I hate myself so much, so much that it explains why nobody loves me. It's hard to love this girl who hates herself. This girl that sometimes breaks her skin on those thighs she hates. Her thigh gap will never be good enough to her until it is the largest. Her thighs are her cutting board. But this girl has panic attacks over swimming because then people will see her thighs. This girl, with her eating disorder, who has always been thin, seems okay to everyone else. That is why they hate her. They think she is doing fine. She will quote them, here: "No offense, but I kind of feel as if you're using your eating disorder as an excuse. " No offense, what a lie. It's a mask to try and hide the cruelty, almost as sharp as her razor blade, but the mask is transparent. An excuse, oh sure. I just got a disorder so I could get out of gym class and go to the nurse. Right. I chose to ruin my life just to back up a point. And they wonder why I hate it when they make fun of disorders and don't know why I won't do them favors. Maybe if they hadn't made me hate myself I wouldn't punish myself. And I know this is just another published comment because I know I'm not worth listening to, let alone talking to. But a reply comment would literally make my day. People who talk to me astound me.

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    1. sometimes i sit in my little hub and read these comments and i am so filled with anger at the people (like the ones you know) that do these things. and despite my love for people, sometimes i wonder if they really know the value of what they say. for me, my love language is words and i will take weeks digesting and analyzing something someone's said. it can diminish my posture like termites or it can build me up. words are viewed as something only seen on paper or electronics. two dimensional. or, maybe even one. they're not seen as things that walk around in our world, getting coffee or eating dinner. as a matter of fact, the majority of what we do in life is deal with words. we just don't always see it that way. like i saw on tumblr, "we're always clapping. just we really long pauses." we're always dealing with words, but sometimes they don't take on that blatant form. and i am so upset that the people who know you think they're helping you by accusing you of these horrid, untrue things. i'm sorry they look at you like you're slightly less than human, i'm sorry they think they're doing you a favour by leaving you to the termites that eat away your self-esteem. every single person in the world has a problem, something they don't believe other people will understand. it's amazing what would happen if they stopped saying "no offense" and started explaining. if we all need love, why do we not all know how to give it, receive it? it's a question that can sometimes be answered and sometimes baffle us. i just. my goodness, darling. you need a friend. you need someone. you cannot do this alone anymore.

      i volunteer myself. if you ever need anything at all, talk to me. i'm right here. my email is: sweetsbyjocelyn[at]yahoo[dot]com. i love you, and i want to be your friend. <3

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    2. I love you too. You're not alone. I am sorry those people are treating you like that. Despite what you believe about yourself, you are beautiful. You are wanted. You are special, created for a purpose, and there is no one who can do exactly what you were put here to do. If you have a chance, please watch this. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uWi5iXnguTU

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    3. i used to be one of those people, those horrid people. that is, until i understood what it's like, until i actually had that weight fall upon me. maybe not quite at the depth you have had it, but i know what it's like to hate yourself, you do what you do because you don't believe you're worth enough to actually take care of yourself. you don't eat because you're not worth spending money on food to keep you healthy. you're not worth the time put into working out, because no matter what you'll always be ugly, stupid, and worthless.
      i'm ashamed of what i was, and i hate how i was for that. i know how much it hurts to hate yourself, i know what it's like now, and it's unfathomably horrendous.

      just so you know, all those things you're telling yourself are lies. i know you already know this. i know you've heard it seven million times from seven million different people, i know you try to believe them, but you just can't.
      satan has a hold over you and it won't be lifted in a day, it won't be lifted in a week, a month, a year, it takes lots of time, lots of prayer, lots and lots of His love.

      i'm very thankful for myself that i get depression on occasion only. usually something will trigger it, and i know when it's coming, and i can expect and prepare for what lies ahead. i can pray exceedingly about it before it hits full force, and i can hope that it won't be as bad. my Jesus always helps me through it, and i do come out changed and alive, and it's good in the long run, because He teaches me something, but when I'm going through it, it's like going through hell, and it doesn't go away completely. i have the memories and they aren't something i'm proud of, but it's what i'm going through now, and i know it's for a greater purpose.

      i'm sorry, my dear, that things are like this for you, but these people honestly haven't seen what you've seen. they don't understand it, and it is hurtful, but i'm thankful they don't know completely what it's like, because i wouldn't wish that on anyone.

      find people, my dear, who know what it's like. if only you can find them online, thats okay. they know what it's like, and they've experienced it. those people who are cruel won't ever understand unless they go through it. i know it hurts like hell when they do that, but would you really want them to experience what you experience? they've had different struggles, everyone has. no ones life is perfect, they are hurtful, but in some ways, you are to them as well. it's just an understanding thing that can't be reached unless you've actually gone through that storm. unless you've actually walked some of the path that another person has, you won't understand any of it. and thats how it is, and that's how it has to be.

      i get it, dear. i really do. well i may not be in my depression right now, i do still have an outlook on just a bit of what it's like to be in your shoes. i won't completely understand it, but thats okay. because you can't ever completely understand who i am, what I've gone through, and how i'm changed because of it. every person is different, and that's how it's supposed to be. that's the cause of sin in this world. one day, it won't be like that anymore, one day no one will have any problems, one day, things will be good, because He is in charge, and He loves us more than we hate ourselves. His love is unending, beautiful, perfect, and unconditional. He understands everything about you even more than you do, and He want's to help you. Let Him, really do, He will give you purpose, He will give you strength, and you will, eventually, reach an end to this horrible decease.
      xx

      (prayers for you, dear!)

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  23. I worry. i worry about the future, and want to control everything. i worry about what others think of me. i worry that i'm not doing enough and then i overwhelm myself. i just want to be good enough.

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  24. i like this guy. He's not cute, or physically appealing in anyway, but he's funny. He's always thinking of something new, he's articulate. I just want him to notice me for me. We're friends, but not great friend. I worry I'm not good enough.

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  25. partly it's my fault because i have never really told anyone this, i made a joke about it to my mum before but that was it..i'm the type of person to bottle things up and never ever say what i'm feeling and i know that's bad but i can't help it. i have never cried in public, apart from twice i think in my whole life not including when i was a child, and that's because i was in so much pain i couldn't bear it. i cry myself to sleep when i need to. with my head stuffed under my pillow and my problems stumbling down my cheeks to soak into the cloth. it helps. for a while. but then my problems catch up with me, they are faster than me even though i try to outrun them, and they build up inside my heart until i ache so badly i have to release the pain through tears.
    i never tell anyone i love them ever. not even my parents or grandparents. i hate it bc it makes me feel vulnerable and i'm the ''strong, clever, sensible, determined girl who may be small and shy but isn't really and can handle pain and whatever else life throws at her'' of the family. i don't really know what to do other than put on a brave face and carry on bc what else am i meant to do. and i've read all the comments on this post and mine is like a pebble in comparison to the rocks that are their problems, weighing them down. and i don't expect a reply but sometimes you just need to type until your fingers ache about the things that are on your mind and i chose to tell you. because i promised myself if i was to tell anyone it would be one who understood and did not judge, but wove words delicately with fingertips full of light creating threads of love to support people. and that's what i see you doing.

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    Replies
    1. my life has been tangled with those of people who have experienced more of this than i have. that is to say, i am not an exact match of what you're going through. but my circle of friends is connected in such a way that yes, lovely. i understand. i've read this several times since you sent it in and for some reason, this keeps coming back. there is so much i am wanting (and i'm going) to say to you, but for now, know this: http://thecupcakedictionary.blogspot.com/2013/11/everything-has-timeline.html

      know that time is a manmade mechanism, really. that it measures the distance between weeping with joy and weeping with sorrow. know that weight builds up as it is meant to. that people determine whether or not a problem is worth their manmade measurement. that this world is large in mass, that the saviour died for every problem thrown into its sea. you are no less worthy. you are no less real. don't listen to the people who tell you these aren't "real problems" and that you should wait until you're plagued with taxes and resumes to understand. age 18 isn't tell-all. we're all still learning and growing. the key is loving no matter who - know matter what.

      and i am proud of you for getting this out, because it was something i needed to do. and something i need to do again.

      so i'm replying to you because there's no reason why i shouldn't. because i'm rooting for you, baby girl. you are in my arms and my prayers. love is here, and it's rising. everything is going to be okay. <3

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  26. do you understand how much your words mean to me? it is like i have been trying to climb a mountain with no hand holds and now you have come to show me a path upwards. i never really thought about it before but this sentence describes me completely: "i was walking around like a lost piece of baggage with no one to call home." < i never really hand ''anyone'', like you, but now i have your words and your kindness and bless you, because i never thought i would have this much. i hide behind jokes and sarcasm and weird faces and caps lock sentences. because i feel like i shouldn't unburden as that would burden someone else.
    so thank you. for replying to me. for believing in me. don't ever stop what you are doing. <3

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  27. I'm afraid of everything. I let fear completely paralyze me. I have isolated myself and hurt myself. I want to be the kind of person who laughs and eats dark chocolate and plays card games with a boy.
    I self harm, and I'm so afraid to tell anyone. But I want to live-I'm so tired of hiding in the dark. I want to cry and feel and change. I hate staying in this sameness. I am aching to live, even if it means getting hurt again.

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    Replies
    1. hey, i love you, and everything is going to be okay. it's a long and hard process, but knowing you want to live and that you want more is such a wonderful thing, i promise. you can do it, and i'm here to help. <3

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    2. it's coming, by the way. your poem is coming soon.

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  28. I was clean for over a year, and everything was going great. I was beginning to understand Who I was and what made me that way, and I was really enjoying it. I felt like a new person. And then I woke up last Saturday and I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. It was back. I guess I should tell you what I mean by this: I was addicted to pornography for quite a long time. I don't remember how it happened, I just know that it did. Sometimes, I couldn't sleep at night because the urge was so strong. I couldn't look at people because I wondered what would happen if they found out and I swear I thought they would all hate me. People only talk about hypersexualized men and how their porn addictions are pretty much normal for them now, but they never mention that it can happen to girls, too. I think that was the worst part about it. That I was an outlier to the normal but I still felt so ashamed. I used to think I ruined myself for marriage and I kept promising myself I wouldn't do it anymore. But last week I heard something keep saying "you're going to do it before the end of the day. You will." I had lasted so long, and I even made a list of fun things that kept me occupied instead, but it didn't work. As you can guess, I watched porn again last Saturday. Every single thing I promised I wouldn't do. Afterward, I cried so hard. I wanted to die. And then I went to church the next morning. I just want to get as far away from last Saturday as possible, but I don't know how.

    This isn't how I wanted to say this, but I guess that's better than not saying anything, right? Please don't hate me too much.

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  29. I'm so bad. I'm not religious. I don't think I can be. I'm smart. I have a high iq. I'm doing so badly in school. I'm stuck. Trapped.

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    Replies
    1. I'm crying.

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    2. hey, i love you both. i love you both so much, and i want you to know that your worth is not based on the god you do or do not serve. you are valuable, you are beautiful, you are intelligent and your worth is also not based on how well or how badly you do in school. i also want to apologize because religion can be extremely daunting because of its prominent figures and i can understand if you don't want to be included in that. just know that you are in my heart and that if you ever want to talk about anything, i am right here for you. i love you so much, okay? please get some good sleep. you have so much worth. please know that. <3 <3 <3

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  30. Hi Jocee. I just want to get this out of me. My friends hate me randomly - middle school is full of drama and one of my close friends just flat out called me a bully. For no reason and she won't explain. I hope she's kidding. I'm just so stressed and neck deep in worries and i dont know what to do. Ohmygosh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well first, i need you to take a deep breath. and then i'll need you to realize that these people, despite the fun memories you have made with them, are not your friends. if they are being hateful and rude to you without reason, they are not worth your energy and need to be removed immediately. i didn't experience public middle school so i don't know what the social climate is like, but i know this - as you get older, you will realize that some friends will not stay with you forever. maybe you had a fight or an argument or maybe you just lost touch; whatever it may be, it will happen. and in this particular situation, you have every right to excommunicate these "friends" without any warning whatsoever. i know that might be hard and it might not go over the way you want it to, but if it's stressing and worrying you so much, then i think it will be worth it. and this "close friend" of yours? even though i don't have every detail about this, she needs to check herself and realize the effect of her words. and maybe she will one day. but if your "friends" are saying/doing these horrible things to you, then there is something deeper going on. and if it continues to eat you up like it is now, it's definitely something worth removing yourself from. do you understand? you can try talking to them if you want and trying to explain your feelings about this. but chances are they may not see it the way you do.

      i will be right here through this whole process, okay? i love you so much and i want to make sure you're alright. if you need anything at all, feel free to email me or even message me on my tumblr. i'm here for you, yeah? get some sleep. everything will be alright. it'll be summer soon. :) <3

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  31. Sometimes I remember, angry now, about how empty I was then. How much ugly I held. How I wrenched myself into a mold I wanted desperately to fit me. You never know what horror is until you've metabolized the feeling of screaming, mouth wide, but nothing comes out because you can't, you can't. It has been four hundred days, fifty two minutes, and thirty six seconds since the day I decided I couldn't try anymore, but Jo, please tell me why I still see his face. Tell me why I can't forgive myself for abandoning and abuser. I know the psychology, I've done it. But the thing is, despite knowing it like the inside of my own palm, I can't stop it. I see it in flashes, panicked, desperate flashes at school when I freeze in every sense of the word, feeling my blood turn so cold it almost sends me screaming. They tell you people often feel sympathy for their abusers, that they would protect them. I wouldn't protect him. But I would let it happen all over again. I'm not strong, Jo; I'm not strong enough. I see a car that looks like his and I duck. I drove past his neighborhood last week. I gripped my thighs so hard they bled. It's stuck. I can't talk myself out. I do better, now, but Jo what if I never heal. What if this is never better. I told you "it doesn't feel like healing, it just feels like hurt" and I don't know how else to say it. How do you verbalize what you can't understand. Because I can't, I don't get it. I have nightmares, sometimes, that I get a call and someone talks to me. I think his mother. She tells me he's dead. She tells me it's my fault. She tells me I created this black hole for myself. She calls me damaged goods for being a molestation survivor, akin to her daughter who almost said it to my face. I cry. I wake up crying. I try to reach for something, anything to snap me into the real world. It doesn't happen much anymore, but sometimes I'm terrified one day that will be the real world.

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  32. I love this so much. And I love you, Jocee, for starting something so beautiful and safe<3

    ReplyDelete
  33. I just watched Glee - and I can't believe that Cory/Finn died. I don't know how to deal with it - it's a bit silly talking about it because I obviously didn't know him in real life and it's been a few years too...Also him and lea/rachel and finn were PERFECT. I just don't know how to deal with it - it's making me so sad :((

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Anonymous <3 Grief

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    2. i know exactly how you feel! it's really hard for me to get over the deaths of people, even if i didn't know them in particular. we'll get through this together, yeah? <3

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    3. May I please talk to you somehow? It's affecting me a lot:)

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    4. sure! you can email me at sweetsbyjocelyn[at]yahoo[dot]com or you can ask me a question on tumblr (onabedoflace.tumblr.com/ask).

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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