i remember trying not to cry for the entire week and i remember thinking "just let it come so i can get through it." at 7:47 last night, i started getting hollow. that is, i started remembering everything that i made myself forget over the past year. the Christmas lights, the the long texts, the car ride home and the subway we passed, the semi-secretive conversations, the disappointment and the apatheticism. i kept dipping my hands in hot candle wax and listening to loud music, and i don't know what i was trying to prove but i do know that i was scared. 

last year on this day, i sat down on a swinging bench and wrote stories about beaches and birds. last year on this day, i ate too many ice cream puffs and took several pictures of Christmas lights. last year on this day, i thought that i would get over it soon enough. last year on this day, i failed, and my best friend and i let go. 

before i went to bed (which was at about one o clock in the morning), i asked God to at least let the sun come out. we've got below freezing forecasts and no snow and it's not even pleasant anymore. i don't know if it ever was. so i woke up, and it was cloudy as ever. and i chalked my hair in streaks, put on my only ear cuff and the dress that my mother wore when she renewed her vows ten years ago (i was the flower girl). i was completely red, save for my platform heels (black). i wanted to prove a point but i didn't know what it was. 

so i got to church wondering when helayna would arrive, and we talked about personalities in sunday school and i tolerated less-than-approving responses to my new 'do, and when she came in with her little sister at her heels i guess the sun started to come out. she was wearing green skinnies that made us look like Christmas and she poked me hello and she knew. and we giggled too much and talked about food afterward and complained about physics homework that i don't have to deal with. 

and then something happened. i don't think the english language would do me any good in describing what it feels like for the hollow to fill out itself. i thought i dived into today as if i were getting back in the pool for the first time in two years and i didn't know if i was going to climb out or have to be resuscitated. and by the time church was over and we all filed our way into the break room, the sun decided to make the cars shine. and even moreso when i announced to my parents in the car "i'm going to take selfies."

i guess i wore the red because last night my fingerprints were being scanned by wax and sometimes i fancy the idea of becoming a human candle. i don't fancy lighting myself on fire but when i blew it out the wick let a few "embers" glow red in defiance. i guess my red is the fire in saying "hey. i'm alive." 

i know i lost her last year on this day but i didn't lose her today. and i listened to a lot of music and decided to do a simple recording of a Christmas song by sleeping at last. and it's relevant because it's cold outside and it's relevant because, audrey, i think it's time to let go. i can't hate the number eight forever. and nothing's the same but i can't just seem to stop loving people, so. there's that. 

today i planned on telling this to helayna when she came inside: "today is the last day you're going to see me as a sixteen year old and i wanted to look beautiful." but that's not true anymore because i'm probably going to see her on tuesday. all the same i think i look nice, and i think it's time to let go of the fact that just because today sucked last year, it doesn't have to suck this time around.

-kiss kiss kiss, fading-


  1. "nothing's the same but i can't just seem to stop loving people" wow wow wow dang.
    so this is really good and really relevant to some things in my life and thank you so much for your raw honesty.
    ps--you are beautiful.

  2. I like your hair, and I like you. I also like how you can just go out there and say that you wanna be alive, and put that into place and say that you are alive, and also forget and let things go. You are a really strong person.

  3. wordddd. girl, you have the ability to make me cry my eyes out at the drop of the hat. I've said this at least ten times before, but you are so real and honest about the pain in your life and I don't know, but I feel like I can connect to you in my heart in a way that I can't with other bloggers. thank you for being so real!
    basically, you rock at life.

  4. you're a rare beauty that the world hardly sees now. stay strong, and shine on.

  5. wordyness! this was just beautiful and golly, the way you write is something special and what the heck why is your face so amazing.

  6. dang girl, this was good. "nothing's the same but i can't just seem to stop loving people." yes.

  7. i like your hair.
    and your face.
    and you rock that tongue better than miley ever could. ;)

    seriously though.
    love your honesty.
    love your voice.

  8. I like your hair and you. :)
    Visit my blog at www.trulyjazzy.blogspot.com
    I just started!!

  9. Your glasses. Like. Woah.

    Okay. So, this was really deep in my opinion, and it was probably hard for you to go through. Your...How could I put this...Old best friend...How is she doing now? I'm assuming she still misses you as well...? (This is my therapist mode.) If she does, then this must be really hard for you both, seeing that both of you are trying to forget about today last year. But I can't help but think if it's the opposite. If she didn't have a hard time today, if her life proceeded as normal. (Don't know what I'm saying.) Anyway. I guess that was just my way of saying, "I LOVE YOU KEEP GOING LIFE DOESN'T STOP JUST KEEP ON GOING OKAY? OKAY."

    Yours Truly,

  10. I think the red represents a fire I can see and feel in you. This post is so powerful. Your words breathe honesty.

    Thanks so much for sharing <3

  11. You are so beautiful. And. wow. agh. I get you. Stay strong, there will be so many moments that make all staying through the pain worth it.

  12. everything passes, and time heals all wounds.
    (or so they say)xx

    dreaming is believing


sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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