12.12.2013

the last day i will ever be sixteen.

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i've cried multiple times today. once because the wind blew and my glasses were not a shield. twice because of something i don't understand. and thrice because of something i do. i think i'd been meaning to take a walk for the entire last half of the semester. i guess i finally did. there was a poison ivy warning near the creek and i stood on the frisbee fairway and realized "it isn't all that cold." and believe me, i want to write something poignant and powerful and closing about my sixteenth year. but i've spent over an hour studying for music finals and my voice is a high-pitched mess, and i'm super hungry and i want... well actually i don't know what i want. my thoughts are racing and i don't know what song to listen to and the most prominent thing in my mind is that audrey didn't say happy birthday like she said she would this time last year. it's kind of like being in a big room full of people or going to the movies by yourself. everyone is there except for the person you want to be. and tomorrow helayna is busy and i think all i want is for her to tell me happy birthday. and so many of you have told me how i have a way with words, but i can't explain how much that would mean to me. maybe if you looked at me, you'll know. 

in the mean time, i'm scheduling this post for midnight but i have a half hour left. i should probably make a cake for english class and take one last selfie before the clock strikes. i guess i'll lie on the floor and listen to sleeping at last, because that's probably what i need to do soon. update: helayna said "i'm going to bed, but happy early birthday." i said "thank you, beauty. i'm kinda scared." she said "don't be. make it count."

i love you, kid. like hella. 3<
i love all of you.

14 comments :

  1. Happy birthday, Jocee! Eat ALL the cupcakes! :)
    ~ Grace Anna

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  2. even when you think you don't have a way with words, believe me, you do. the way you weave words, and life into sentences that are riveting, and mind capturing is beautiful, and definitely beyond me. ;)

    but happy birthday, darling. i hope your day is wonderful, and full of joyous things, cupcakes, laughter, memories, and people you love. <3
    xx

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  3. also, gorgeousgorgeousgorgeous pictures. fjsalkfjlskjdf.

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  4. happy seventeenth birthday, jocee girl!
    i hope have a fabulous day (with lotsa' cupcakes, of course)

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  5. happy 17th birthday friend. be crazy.

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  6. embrace seventeen like it's going to be your best year.xx

    dreaming is believing

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  7. beautiful. <3 happy birthday dear. :)

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  8. Happy Birthday, Jocee! Growing up is both scary and exhilarating simultaneously, but despite that mild teenage confusion I hope you have a lovely seventeenth year. :)
    p.s. gorgeous pictures!

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  9. *sniffle* I love you, happy birthday. I don't even know how to write one of my usual long comments, because I still remember 12/12/12 and how I thought it was so cool that your birthday was on that day.

    ...#myemotionsarealljumbled OH MY GOSH, YOU'RE GROWING UP. (Even though I'm only fourteen. Haha.)

    Looks like I did write a decent amount of words in my comment.
    ~Jenny

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  10. (I also remember that I cried a lot of times on my twelfth b-day. Just saying.)

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  11. what a beautiful post. happy birthday :))))

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  12. just finally read this after having the tab open for a day, anddd. well. I don't know. but it's lovely and real. birthdays really scare me sometimes too...actually that's not accurate. this past birthday was the first that scared me, honestly. it scared me because landmarks tend to do that when it's so different from the last one--or without that one person who was there last year and you were sure would be there again. I relate to this so much. but also, dear--seventeen, for me at least, was the best year yet. carpe diem. it's gonna be great. xx

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  13. Omg, those pics are awesome! Happy Birthday!!!

    Kate

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  14. I'm not seventeen yet, but live a next year worth remembering.

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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