1.31.2014

i promise i'm going to bed, but wait. just wait.

original photo

yeah, i'm mostly done pretending i'm okay, but i just wanted to pop in and say a few things.

when i was swimming, i always used to promise myself that the swim meets would never come. i'd never have to do one again. i even remember this one time where my swim coach said we weren't going to have a swim meet in october because he messed up on something. (he also said he wouldn't do that again.) i remember being so happy, because i hated swim meets. i hated them. and i hated myself too, because when the night before a swim meet came, i started getting hollow and i couldn't stop moving, and when i finally slept i awoke every hour until it was time to go. i lied to myself for so long and i was so angry when i realized these things weren't worth running away from. i had to go through with it. and i always felt so sick when the time came to. 

so it's the night before my piano audition at the university of texas. (i spent so much of my life in their pool.) and i promise i'm not in the same mindset about that as i was about swimming. music, words, notes, adjectives, they're all related. they're my life. and this time, as a part of growing up, i'm showing people what i've learned to do with them. i know i'll be able to sleep tonight because this isn't swimming and i'm not really nervous. still, i'm not going to pretend i have it all together (sometimes i think i'm not really ready), because this is pretty vulnerable. (when are we ever really ready?) in swimming, your back and limbs were bare for everyone to see. and it's the same for piano, except my hands are the gateway to everything inside me that i've been too afraid to physically put out there in the world. i'm not nervous, but i'm still trembling. (and i guess that's where i ask for prayer.) but all the more reason for it to get out, right? there is a purpose to all of this. 

i don't know if i was supposed to really go somewhere with this post, but this is where it's at.
i told her i would go to bed and i am, i just wanted to say this.
i've always known God is with me. it's time i started believing that.
-kiss kiss kiss, an evening in-

6 comments :

  1. i've always known God is with me. it's time i started believing that.

    yes.

    also, thanks for sharing your heart with us. :)

    xx

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  2. Praying for you, Jocee. What an encouragement to know that God is always with us. Sometimes I too just know it and don't truly take it to heart. It's a truth to believe, cling to, and live by.

    You are going to do amazing.

    Blessings!

    -Madi

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  3. praying! and if it's over, i hope you did super well. I know you can.

    love this post, Jocee!

    xo, rn

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  4. "i've always known God is with me. it's time i started believing that."

    dang, so true, girl.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I understand. I'm a music geek, too. I've made All-State choir for three years straight and music notes/vocabulary/symbols are etched into my very soul. Don't get nervous. You got this, girl. You were /born/ ready. :)
    Many prayers and squishy hugs,
    Grace Anna

    ReplyDelete
  6. Praying for you girlie. I know you would have done your absolute best and whatever happens just know it is God's perfect plan for you.

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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