10.21.2014

i don't even know myself at all, i thought i would be happy by now.


original photo

i do not know how to preface this, so i won't. this is for my secret series, for the girl who does not know how to get away from things.
sometimes you don't have to run. sometimes you have to take it step by step.
"I was clean for over a year, and everything was going great. I was beginning to understand Who I was and what made me that way, and I was really enjoying it. I felt like a new person. And then I woke up last Saturday and I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. It was back. I guess I should tell you what I mean by this: I was addicted to pornography for quite a long time. I don't remember how it happened, I just know that it did. Sometimes, I couldn't sleep at night because the urge was so strong. I couldn't look at people because I wondered what would happen if they found out and I swear I thought they would all hate me. People only talk about hypersexualized men and how their porn addictions are pretty much normal for them now, but they never mention that it can happen to girls, too. I think that was the worst part about it. That I was an outlier to the normal but I still felt so ashamed. I used to think I ruined myself for marriage and I kept promising myself I wouldn't do it anymore. But last week I heard something keep saying "you're going to do it before the end of the day. You will." I had lasted so long, and I even made a list of fun things that kept me occupied instead, but it didn't work. As you can guess, I watched porn again last Saturday. Every single thing I promised I wouldn't do. Afterward, I cried so hard. I wanted to die. And then I went to church the next morning. I just want to get as far away from last Saturday as possible, but I don't know how. This isn't how I wanted to say this, but I guess that's better than not saying anything, right? Please don't hate me too much."
a list of things to do instead of watching porn:
1. check the weather forecast for the next week. 
2. plan your outfits accordingly. 
3. do something you have done in a long time, like putting a bunch of random ingredients together and hoping they create a great meal.
4. think about how proud you are of yourself. 
5. watch something from your childhood, like the powerpuff girls or canadian dramas from the late 1980s. 
6. ask your friends what books they're reading and why you're missing out by not reading them. 
7. take all your old t-shirts out of your closet and youtube ways to restyle them.
8. or, create completely new ones instead. 
9. whatever you do, don't engage with the voice that tells you you will, you will watch porn before the day is out.
10. listen to me, i know how it feels to be on top of the world and then give into something that isn't good for you and hit rock bottom. because that is literally what it feels like and you wish you could take it back but all you can do is move forward. keep moving forward. count one day without watching porn and keep going in such a way that you allow yourself to count another one. and another. and another. and after awhile, allow yourself to forget.

because being on top of the world is so much better than being in it. and whatever you do, don't let the world be on top of you.
i love you. please don't hate yourself too much.

-kiss kiss kiss, gotta let it happen-
{pea ess: title via paramore's 'last hope' which is relevant as heq.}

3 comments :

  1. wow, your advice is so on point, and not only relevant to this situation, i can apply it to my own so easily.

    thank you.

    xo, rn

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is so beautiful and heartbreaking. Hold on, love. You can do this. ♥

    ReplyDelete
  3. You have no idea how brave you are, Jocee! I'm going through the exact same thing, and am so proud of you! Because I have a blog too, and I have no clue how it would be if I talked about porn there. Thanks, dear. In my weak moments, I will think of you. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete

sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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