3.09.2015

but i stay quiet.

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disclaimer: i'm not here to complain, even though i kind of am. it's just that this is how i feel right now. and i'm working on that. but i'm not here to apologize for it. let me speak for the things i have experienced.

my sister took these on Christmas day. it was mid-afternoon, i think, after we opened presents, and this dress was one. pinupgirlclothing (or pinup girl clothing if you like spaces or PUG if you like acronyms), the film noir dress in green velvet. or something like that. i'm not too good with titles. i don't remember if i ever properly told you, but i dress vintage now. that is, i'm a self-proclaimed housewife. give me pincurls or give me pizza. anything from the 1890s to the 1960s is my interest. and i'll take it retro (but preferably original), with a side of heels and S-waves to boot. and the best part is, i've started earning a little bit of cash for myself now, so i can buy where i want and on my own time. i mostly buy online, though, so things are extra convenient. 

i'm not here to tell you about my journey into buying vintage clothes or whatever, but let's go from the part where i own a few 80s pieces, some 90s, some 70s, but i don't have anything from the eras i really want. like the 40s and the 50s. and the earlier 60s. part of the reason is because i buy mostly from instagram where the prices tend to be a bit more affordable (etsy, i suppose, is the cream of the crop where things are a bit more steep), and part of the reason is because, well, not much fits me. 

my measurements are 40-32-40. depending on who you're buying from, that's a large or extra-large. and anything above a large is considered a rarity. and these sizes didn't start really becoming normal until recently, which makes me wonder what women my size and bigger did back then. did you make your own clothes? did you have to go to speciality stores? did you wear last decade's hand-me-downs? did you cry and hate the parts of your body that wouldn't give in to fabric?

i bought my first 1960s dress maybe a month and a half ago. it's a yellow shift dress with black polka dots and HUGE pockets. it fits like a charm, no chest-squeezing or straining to get buttons buttoned. it's in perfect condition, the quality is impeccable. i decided then that i would do my best to be prime vintage (1940s-60s) to get that kind of quality. and since then, it really hasn't been easy. i've bought some things that were supposed to fit but aren't quite there. i have a lot of things that don't completely zip up in back and i have one dress that's torn because of it. and that's when i realized that everything i wanted was catered to sizes labeled "smaller than me," and i was just a novelty.

and that's hard. loving yourself really isn't a seeing yourself in the mirror once, believing you're beautiful and running through meadows for the rest of your life kind of thing. there have been plenty of times where i think i look like trash (apparently that's an aesthetic now??) and felt horrible because of it. just because you love yourself doesn't mean you have sunshine and lollipops from here on out. there are some thunderstorms, too. and tornadoes. and tsunamis and volcanoes and stuff. sometimes when i see something i want and it's three sizes too small, i want to grab everyone who can fit those clothes (and not even buy them) and shake them and say "YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!! THIS SHOULDN'T BELONG TO YOU!!" because that's how i feel. even if there were diets in the 50s that caused you to gain weight to look like such-and-such movie star, things are pretty similar now as they were then. and that's crazy hurtful, because these clothes aren't going to last forever. and what you want won't fit you.

but i stay quiet, and i keep scrolling. because that is what i'm good at. and that is what i do.

-kiss kiss kiss, my man godfrey-

11 comments :

  1. "loving yourself really isn't a seeing yourself in the mirror once, believing you're beautiful and running through meadows for the rest of your life kind of thing..." Amen. ♥ ♥

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  2. I agree, it's kind of like a little stab to my self-esteem when things like that happen. Thankfully, a wider variety of sizes are manufactured nowadays, although this 'size 0' standard is still around. You are very pretty, and I hope you won't ever have to feel like that in the future :)

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  3. These photos of you are lovely and so is this post. I reckon loving yourself is truly important, even though there are still gonna be thunder storms and tsunamis to come ;)

    -M
    The Life of Little Me

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  4. wow, hot dang girl. i love those photos. and this post is so very true.

    xx, rn

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  5. I recently started following your blog, and wow. Just, wow. It's so awesome! Gorgeous photography, and your writing flows so nicely. I understand exactly how you feel about cloths that don't fit right, except for me it's sports. I'm the worst at sports, and seeing somebody who can pick up a sport the first time they try it, while I have to practice over an over again to get anywhere, really really annoys me. Grrrr... And what is it with cloths that only fit one body type? Hardly anybody looks like the models those cloths are designed for. It's crazy. Btw, I love your dress, you look gorgeous in it. (-:

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  6. THESE PICTURES ARE SO AH-MAZING.

    And what you said is so true, and you're so brave to admit your true feelings.

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  7. Well, I think you're adorable and fascinating. and you write good stuff, so keep it up.

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  8. you are simply superb, m'dear. <3

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  9. I love seeing your instagram photos of you wearing your vintage clothing. You look so gorgeous in everything.

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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