3.18.2015

let them spill their guts, cause one day they're going to slip on them (and God, sometimes i hope you do).

real talk.

i was taught that forgiveness was a big deal. and it is. it was engrafted into everything i was trained to be. if someone did something that i didn't like and it hurt me, we were supposed to come together and forgive. the following is a really bad example, but bear with me. imagine one of my friends says they don't like my drawing because i'm colouring outside the lines, and my feelings are hurt. and our moms say "hey that's not nice, you should apologize" and they do, and then my mom says "okay, they apologized to you, do you forgive them?" and my arms are folded and i'm scowling as much as my face allows, but i still roll my eyes and say "yes" and then hug them and then the whole thing is forgotten. how and why is that effective? sure, our first instinct after hurting someone is to reconcile. but are we doing that for them or are we doing it for us? and the real question is, when they've hurt us, what's really going on inside of our heads? do we really want to forgive them? are we ready to do it at that very moment in time?

i was taught that because Jesus died on the cross for our sins, everything we'd done or would ever do would be forgiven. but if you harbored unforgiveness in your heart and didn't forgive as God forgave you, you wouldn't be forgiven. so the way i saw (see) it was that if i didn't forgive on the spot i would go to hell. so for the longest time, when someone's asked me if i forgave them, i'd just say yes and leave because i didn't want to deal with the potential consequences of anything else.

or, what if you're told to apologize to someone, but you don't want to, because you're not sorry and they've hurt you and you don't want to forgive them? what then?

the point is, i have issues with forgiving people. if you hurt me bad enough i will ruin your reputation and i will not be sorry. sometimes people make me so angry i have to isolate myself so i won't be tempted to physical retaliate against them. because as you get older, forgiving is hard. especially when you can think for yourself and evaluate the situation in greater detail. i can't even tell you how many times i've gone to God and been like "listen, i'm having a hard time forgiving this person right now, and i can't do it by myself, so i'll need your help." at this point, i feel like nothing has changed. there are people who have done things to me repeatedly which makes forgiveness that much harder. so at this point, i'm terrified that if i don't simply find the balls to let it go, i'll go under.

i know my mom thinks (and is right) that i let people have too much power over me. and to be completely honest, i do. but here i am, too far in to turn back. and still unready to let it go.

obviously we need God a lot more than we let on.

-kiss kiss kiss, we got our riot gear on-
{pea ess: 2/3 of the title is via paramore's interlude "moving on."}
{pea pea ess: don't take that personally.}

2 comments :

  1. That was really insightful. I often find it hard to forgive, too. I hated being told to apologise because I knew my words of "I'm sorry" would be empty, because I wasn't sorry at all. Nicely written :)

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  2. Maybe you can sit down with them and have a chat, telling them politely that you don't like it when they *blah blah* because it hurts your feelings, and you can forgive them easier that way? Because many people think it's weird by saying that something hurts their feelings because it makes them sound childish or whatever, but I don't think so. I think if what they've said or done truly did hurt your feelings, you should be able to tell them that and they should be able to respect and say they're sorry for making you feel angry or sad. And when you know that they are truly genuine about the fact that they are sorry (you'll be able to tell), then it will most likely be much easier for you to forgive.

    ReplyDelete

sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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