turning on the lights.

so, in retrospect, how would you say your year has been?
i wouldn't know.
and why's that?
i don't know. i've never been one to make end-of-the-year reviews and stuff like that. i mean i've tried, but it just never ends up working.
have you tried writing it down as you go?
i mean yeah, you have proof of that. but even so i don't find myself capable of summing things up. a lot of things have happened.
okay. so let's talk about the things that stand out to you.
sunday afternoon walks with her. crying at my graduation. buying a lot of semi-useless things that i enjoy. the train rides. the nap i had tuesday afternoon in the RTF building. when that boy stopped me and told me i looked really good. feeling really good. opening up my skin. and selfies, i guess.
are you sorry about any of those things?
i'm sorry for hurting myself. i'm sorry for seeing it as a way to deal with the onset of self-determined failure.
and how are you now?
i'm okay.
i'm okay.

sorry things have been so mellow and low and melancholy and quiet and dark around here lately. i promise to turn on the lights soon. this was written for my end-of-the-year review post that i never finished and thus never posted. but after reading it again, i think it ended nicely where it was. a lot of things happened last year that i don't remember, a lot happened that i do. and i can't summarize this year so far very well but i can tell you this: i said goodbye to someone i've known all my life last sunday. i cried a lot. we all did. it was hard and i'm going to miss her, but i know she'll be back and stronger than ever. i have to send her a letter soon. the next day, i slept over my friend's house who i've also known all my life. we stayed up past one and played rockband drum solos and pitch perfect and miss congeniality and the only drum solo i'm really good at is the final countdown. i would've made it to expert level but she didn't want to hear the song again so i'll have to play it when i go over there again. the next day, she and i and her siblings and our friends went to the rodeo. her sister bought me a wristband and i feel bad because she spent a lot of money on me but we had a lot of fun regardless. i rode quite a few rides. i screamed a lot. i laughed a lot. i ate a lot. but you know what? it was the first time in a really long time that i felt completely present. sometimes when i'm at church or at school or even at home, i don't feel like i'm completely there. i feel like some of me is missing, as though i'm halfway in a dream. but this time, i was all there. and it was so wonderful. i haven't felt this much nostalgia since i went to see la dispute with helayna last year (incidentally, that was a year ago today). the rest of this week felt weird. but i feel okay now. and i'm ready to go back to school. i guess there isn't really much of a point in me saying all this, i just wanted to. a lot of things are happening at the moment with school and life and friendships and stuff. but it's all okay. i have God on my side. 

-kiss kiss kiss, light jacket-
{pea ess: GUESS who's in a new tv show?! guess. it's peter pevensie. and i'm excited.}


  1. This was beautifully written. <3 I can't quite sum up my thoughts, but just know that I loved it. ;-)

  2. I really, really hope that you're doing okay and that nobody is gonna judge you for saying that you're not okay, because we all care about you and that it's fine to post about anything melancholy or dark. Just get it out of your system is what I like to say.

    {OMG what TV show?!!}

    1. thank you, love. i really appreciate it :))

      the royals!! it's on e network. and boy-howdy has william (peter) grown. ;)

  3. Sometimes you just need to write down, simply, what's going on. And after that, you can say, "I'm okay." I get it.

    You have such a cute blog, Jocee. :)


sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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