7.24.2015

honesty.

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sometimes i think about the things i do that make me fall short of the Glory of God. because i operate under a higher standard, and when i fail, that needs to be put to right. then, sometimes, i think about the things i do that make me fall short of the Glory of Jocelyn. because i also operate under an unattainable standard of beauty. and most of the time, i do not find myself worthy of that standard.

last week, i was in colorado at a youth leadership camp held by klemmer and associates. over 50 gigs of photo and video were taken during that week. of the few photos i saw of myself, i didn't find any of them worthy of my personal standard. there was always something wrong with how i looked. my hair, the size of my face, my weird smile. i didn't like it, sure, everyone else did, but that doesn't matter. because i didn't. colorado called for Jesus t-shirts and sweatpants and red tennis shoes and high ponytails, things that deviate from my 50s housewife lifestyle. and after seeing those pictures of myself looking like that, i was extremely disappointed. in myself. because i looked like that. so i came home, put on some makeup, and took selfies to make myself feel better.

real talk: i think, deep down, the reason i take selfies is because i can control the way i look. i don't like candids of myself because God forbid i might deem myself ugly. i don't take selfies solely because i'm "feeling myself," i take them so i can not only give other people permission to find me beautiful but so i can give myself permission as well. it's actually really funny: people can find you beautiful at all sorts of different times. when you're making stupid faces or doing an impression of someone else. but when you look at the documentation of those moments, you only find yourself worthy in a mere fraction of them. i wouldn't be surprised if you find your physical self beautiful less than other people do, because i do that. the thing is, we don't look the way we think we look. i was scrolling through pictures of one of my friends and i thought while they were pretty, they didn't look like that in real life. they didn't look like that when i was around them. i think we put on a sort of facade for ourselves so that we can think we're as beautiful as others say we are. you know how someone compliments you on something and you have to examine yourself to see if you were truly worthy of that comment? we do that thousands of times during the day. and i think these constant selfies, this constant "confidence" is my way of doing that. i'm giving you permission to find me beautiful. i'm giving me permission to find me beautiful. but it's not all of me. i have more expressions than this. this isn't my smile, it's the one i wear for the girl in the mirror. i don't know if that means i need someone to take more candids of me, but. i know it means i have to love myself in and out of the camera. i guess that's why it's so important for other people to see you. because sometimes, a lot of the time, all the time, they see more than you. and we need to see more in us.

-kiss kiss kiss, centuries-
{pea ess: colorado was amazing. the best week of my life, hands down. and i'm still processing all of it. 
but you can 85% count on a post about it. because it deserves its own post. anyway.}

5 comments :

  1. Your writing never falls short of amazing. And yes, Colorado probably does deserve its own post :)

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  2. this, was so precious. i love hearing your thoughts about life, jocee. you write so refreshingly.
    this was me so, so many times.

    also, i think your "50s housewife" fashion and lifestyle is pretty rad <3

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  3. This hits so very close to home. My grandma once told me that effectively "setting the world on fire" should be pursued, as opposed to "prettiness". Though she's absolutely right, that is so difficult to remember in this tabloid saturated world.

    p.s. Your 50s housewife self is beautiful. But I bet you're glorious and effervescent in Jesus t-shirts and tennis shoes.

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  4. This was such a good read. As always.

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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