8.23.2015

do these hands look relaxed to you?

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original photo
“i worry. i worry about the future, and want to control everything. i worry about what others think of me. i worry that i'm not doing enough and then i overwhelm myself. i just want to be good enough.”
if this were a movie, we would cut at all the right moments.
the fight would end before things got too gory.
dessert would be done in two minutes instead of twenty.
we would only sleep for a few seconds.
the pain would only last until the next title sequence appeared to say “six months later.”
and sometimes we think that way.
sometimes we think about where we are now, and how in the blink of an eye, we'll be at our destination. 
sometimes we think about the alternate realities in which our grandchildren are born and the universe that exists to them is the only one they know.
in a split second we will extend ourselves generations forward.
we will be married, we will be what we used to be afraid of.
everything we know will be already is, we're just not there yet.
if this were a movie, we'd be there.
and yet, we are not.

relax your hands. shake it out. take a deep breath. just the other day someone asked me what i was going to do after college, especially if i had some scholarship money left over. i told them i'd probably go to grad school. the truth is, i don't know. i don't believe in five year plans because everything is subject to change. every moment is a choice and each choice has prices and benefits. you never know which one will alter your life for a few years yet. sometimes, when i talk to people, and especially people i like, i try to manipulate the conversation so i can weave in something i wanted to say. i try to lead them into saying things that'll prove that they want me too. it hardly ever works. it never does. i don't like going places by myself, like the mall or the movies or something like that, because when i see a group of teenagers there and they're all laughing and having a good time and wearing nice earrings and shorts or talking and i walk by i feel like they're judging me, that they're going to start snickering and whispering and deciding what part of me they hate the most. there are some girls on tumblr who are literally so popular. hundreds of thousands of people know who they are. they are literally world famous. they have so much power. and i feel like i have nothing. i don't know what to do. i'm writing a book that's due in 10 days and if they helped it would be so much bigger. it would help reach other people. and yet all my messages go ignored or unseen. "all my messages" being like one. i feel invisible and unimportant. i am 18. there is a 16 year old doing more than me and i'm supposed to take over the world someday. what is this? how can i be beaten at my own game? i always feel bad when i think like that because i know i'm valuable. i always feel bad because all they're doing is trying to help. but they see the results. they're helping. i'm waiting. and i get sick. it's like when you start to literally question your life after being on the internet too long. nothing has any meaning. everything is boring. there are no movies to distract from your mini-existential crisis. and yet, in all that thought process you only intend the best for yourself and others. you mean no harm, you just want to do something good. you want to step away from the mirror without feeling the need to tweak anymore, because you know you're done and you're confident in that knowledge. i'm confident in that knowledge. at least i think i am. but most of the time, i'm not. 

half the time, i just can't wait until i'm 15 years in the future, when i'm probably queen and i probably have a cute boy who i've married and i probably have a kid maybe. all these american dream goals that are supposed to make life worth living, but i'm just an 18 year old girl who's worried about the things she can change, and yet she does nothing, because she knows it won't happen immediately, so it might as well not happen at all. 

-kiss kiss kiss, you've got a look in your eyes-
{pea ess: i just took everything you said you were worried about and related it to my life. sorry about that. 
it's a thing. it happened. i been thinking too much. help me.}
{pea pea ess: we can get through this together. i love you. i understand you. i want to be there with you. i love you.}

4 comments :

  1. Your writing is just so beautiful. I love it SO much, and I know I say that one every one of your posts but I really do<3

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  2. This was basically my life right now. I feel it. Worry is the worst, and one of my biggest struggles. But we're not perfect. We can't be. I've been learning that our failures, though, always point us back to Christ's grace. But I feel the struggle. To measure up in our culture, you have to portray yourself as perfect. But even those who have "made it" haven't really found what is most lasting in life, anyway.

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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