8.23.2015

vous êtes littéralement le plus grand ballot i ai jamais vu et je f-ing mourir pour vous.

“partly it's my fault because i have never really told anyone this, i made a joke about it to my mum before but that was it..i'm the type of person to bottle things up and never ever say what i'm feeling and i know that's bad but i can't help it. i have never cried in public, apart from twice i think in my whole life not including when i was a child, and that's because i was in so much pain i couldn't bear it. i cry myself to sleep when i need to. with my head stuffed under my pillow and my problems stumbling down my cheeks to soak into the cloth. it helps. for a while. but then my problems catch up with me, they are faster than me even though i try to outrun them, and they build up inside my heart until i ache so badly i have to release the pain through tears. i never tell anyone i love them ever. not even my parents or grandparents. i hate it bc it makes me feel vulnerable and i'm the ''strong, clever, sensible, determined girl who may be small and shy but isn't really and can handle pain and whatever else life throws at her'' of the family. i don't really know what to do other than put on a brave face and carry on bc what else am i meant to do.”

(by my dear friend rachel and i.)

“Jocelyn, come here.” She motioned for me to stand beside her on the platform. I obeyed immediately without hesitation.
“You, come stand next to her.” I could hear her chewing the gum in her mouth. The boy, wearing a red sweatshirt, stood a few feet to the left of me, and we both moved to face each other automatically. I swallowed, afraid of what she might do.
“Jocelyn,” She said, folding her arms. “I want you to tell him you love him.” I give her a skeptical look.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“But I don't even know him.”
“That doesn't matter. I just want to see you do it.”
“But I...”
“But what?”
“Nothing.” I looked at him to find his expression as blank as ever, his hands clasped behind his back. He didn't seem to have any emotion towards this. He was just a pawn in the game. He was waiting for it to be over. How could I tell someone I loved them when they didn't care? How could I give myself over to someone like that?
A feeling of uneasiness churned in my stomach like a whirlpool. This couldn’t be hard, I thought. All I had to do was say it. I didn’t have to feel it or even think it. I just had to say it.
“I love...” I started but couldn’t manage the last word. I stared hard at the boy. I read him like a map but I couldn’t find any destination to pin my words to. My words had no target and no meaning.
“I...love...” I tried again. The gaps between the words were stretched farther apart this time. Why was this so hard? “I love-” My voice cracked and I stomped my foot, my head falling into the palm of my hand.
“Is there a problem?” She tapped her finger against her arm.
I took a deep breath and before I knew it, the words rushed out of me like a flood. “I can’t just say those three stupid little words, can I? Because I can’t just tell people that I love them. But I can spell those words with my fingers when I press them against another’s skin in an embrace. When I bake bread for someone I care about, I knead those words into the dough. When I recite the words to your favorite song or wear the perfume that reminds you of your mother’s garden, that is my ‘I love you.’ When I eat your personality alive and regurgitate everything you like about mine that's my 'I love you.' It doesn't get carried away into the air, because I don’t want you to just hear it. I want you to taste it, to touch it, to smell it. I want you to feel that love in everything you've got.”
She shook her head, bit her lip, her eyebrows raised. She slapped her hand against her arm and shrugged. “Okay. Okay yeah” – she started nodding then – “then show me.”
I folded my arms to mimic her stance, then walked towards him until we were about a foot and a half apart. I breathed in deeply, closing my eyes before making eye contact with him.
“You are literally the biggest nerd I've ever seen.”
He chuckled, looking at my # Team Jesus shirt, then at me.
“Is that it?” She said, her voice bouncing off my shoulder.
“Yeah, that's it.”
“No physical... anything?”
“Um, no, I'm not a physical person.”
“Okay, okay...” She came around and pushed me backwards a bit so I was standing where I started again. Then she gestured to him. “Do you have anything to say?”
He nodded. “You're a nerd, too.”
And that was it.

someone once told me that vulnerability looks good on me. and that's strange, because we always see vulnerability as a weakness. it's where we let ourselves trust someone, knowing we'll get let down. it's not reliable. it's not something you can control, and that's the scary part. we're so used to controlling things as best we can. we're so used to analyzing all the possible outcomes and making sure they don't actually happen. it's hard letting what's inside of you out because once it's in the air, though it dissipates, it's permanent. it is forever part of our atmosphere. it is recycled, thrown up at the moments we need it the least. and yet, without letting go, we cannot let God. without letting go, we cannot go farther. without letting go we forsake the possibility of knowing how we ourselves truly feel. we're giving in to a monster that's eating the parts of us away that make us US. and we have to resist that. as much as we can. so i love you. and it's hard because i still do it too. but little by little, we get there. and you and i will. 

-kiss kiss kiss, even when i doubt you-
{pea ess: so i guess you've noticed by now that i'm posting these secrets/poems/stories one after the other, 
because i've essentially finished them all and i've made you wait long enough. it's time, y'all. really.}

3 comments :

  1. my heart is filled and content after reading this.
    jocee, beautiful beautiful words darling <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. this is good, like really really good and normally I don't get 'stuck' into blog posts as much as I did yours.

    'vulnerability looks good on you'

    'without letting go, we cannot let God'

    'without letting go we forsake the possibility of knowing how we ourselves truly feel.'

    writing these down (like right now).

    powerful, thought provoking stuff Jocee - I looove it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks, babe!! i love and miss you! <3

      Delete

sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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