12.20.2015

a small update.

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i'm sorry. 

it was my birthday last saturday. the 12th. i turned 19. and i didn't have a party, rather, i went to one. like a white elephant with my Bible study. and my Christmas ornaments were stolen from me several times because i kept picking the cool ones. and they made me homemade cake and bought my favourite ice cream and sang. and we watched it's a wonderful life and the little girls wiped my tears when i cried. i don't know that you understand. i stopped having parties because i didn't think i did them right. i didn't feel like people were interested in the things i enjoyed. things never ended up going the way i planned and it hurt too much to continue, so i stopped. but this birthday, i realized how glad i am to be alive. there are certain people in life that you know, and some that you see all the time, and there are some that are simply your forevers. and i know that i have found them when i find myself saying "i'm glad i didn't die before i met you." most of the time, it doesn't come out at all verbally. even rarer it manifests in a hug. but it is one of the most tangible things, as if catching the air. and it's so uncommon, like being struck by lightning. you feel it in your marrow the same way you know Christmas is coming. there are a lot of reasons why i decided not to kill myself a little less than three years ago. there are a lot of reasons why i am thankful, and that saturday, the 12th, in my maroon turtleneck and tartan wrap skirt, sitting next to nate on the couch crying with donna reed and jimmy stewart, eating dulce de leche ice cream, is one of them. i can't forget that like i've forgotten so many other things. some things are too important not to forget. 

do yourself a favour and look back, and say "look how far along i am now."
and if you don't feel as though you've gone anywhere, you can talk to me about it. it will be alright, my love.
it will be alright. 

-kiss kiss kiss, no rules we can stay-
{pea ess: boy have i been emotional lately.}

3 comments :

  1. Wow, this was beautiful. I love the way you write, with all the details and imagery so that I can picture this night. I have found my "forevers", too, and I love them dearly. And thank you for the reminder to look back. So often I beat myself up for not being where I should be, for not being further along. But look how far I have come! Happy belated birthday. :)

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  2. Happy happy birthday, Jocee! This is so beautiful and moving. Just shared the link with my best friend, my own forever.
    Glad you had those forevers to keep you alive.
    Merry Christmas and take care x

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  3. Happy birthday; so happy for you and how far you've come. You're honestly such an inspiring role model and your writing is stunning like always. Oh my gosh, I've been loving maroon sweaters too. ;)

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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