4.08.2016

evacuation.

Beach, Stars, and Waves: Rhode Island

the air is a messenger. it is a transporter of goods. but my body stops the air from doing its job. there are some things the air can't pass through. my anger, my fear, my inability to communicate when i get stressed, my restlessness,

the outside can't penetrate my heaviness. the weightlessness cannot lift me, i'm just here, livid, standing in heels outside my grandma's door waiting to go in for dinner, and i don't know what to do. sometimes, when i'm in Bible study, i feel it in the pit of my stomach, the Lord saying "it's time." and i know it's true. but i can't lift it. and it's throwing me down. the air doesn't feel this way, right? does it feel anything? why can't it penetrate my soul and vacuum out the red? because unforgiveness is red, you know. it crawls in your blood sells and drinks until it runs your immune system, and you're dry, because you can't live with it.

i guess my big question is, and i'm sorry for probably confusing you, things are just really hard for me right now, and i think i came back to write again because it's super therapeutic for me, and what else am i supposed to do ???? my big question is, the air current flows around me but how can a human body hold all of this stale at once? how can it all sit inside my abdomen but no one else can feel it too? do you know what i'm feeling? do you know how much i thirst for it? how i want to be neutral again, ready, but able to enjoy the light, to feel the lightness, to feel nothing, to elevate. do you even elevate? have you left? i feel like you've left me behind.

pray for me. 

3 comments :

  1. Oh, love. This is so hard. I'll be praying, you dear soul, you. Always remember that you are a treasured, precious daughter of the King. Nothing and no one can take away His love and forgiveness (John 10). <3

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  2. I think I do know what you're feeling because we all have our bad days, our heavy days, and I just want to let you know that you're most definitely not alone. Writing really is therapeutic so keep doing it x

    -M
    The Life of Little Me

    ReplyDelete
  3. I completely and totally get this and you. Praying praying praying. He will enable you to spread your wings and fly - remember that He made much of you purely so that you could make much of Him :) all my loveee! xxx

    ReplyDelete

sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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