the outside can't penetrate my heaviness. the weightlessness cannot lift me, i'm just here, livid, standing in heels outside my grandma's door waiting to go in for dinner, and i don't know what to do. sometimes, when i'm in Bible study, i feel it in the pit of my stomach, the Lord saying "it's time." and i know it's true. but i can't lift it. and it's throwing me down. the air doesn't feel this way, right? does it feel anything? why can't it penetrate my soul and vacuum out the red? because unforgiveness is red, you know. it crawls in your blood sells and drinks until it runs your immune system, and you're dry, because you can't live with it.
i guess my big question is, and i'm sorry for probably confusing you, things are just really hard for me right now, and i think i came back to write again because it's super therapeutic for me, and what else am i supposed to do ???? my big question is, the air current flows around me but how can a human body hold all of this stale at once? how can it all sit inside my abdomen but no one else can feel it too? do you know what i'm feeling? do you know how much i thirst for it? how i want to be neutral again, ready, but able to enjoy the light, to feel the lightness, to feel nothing, to elevate. do you even elevate? have you left? i feel like you've left me behind.
pray for me.