9.26.2011

i'm coming out

on what, you ask? on love. on romance. boys. yeah, call me crazy, call me daft {which is a fancier version of crazy} but this is something i need to do. i suppose you could say this is a blog series. a different kind of series. no timeline, no buttons, no linkies, just an opinion.
mine and yours. 

lily, a fellow blogger and friend of mine {though we've never actually met} wrote a post about love. she said, once upon a time, there was a girl, and she went on to explain a few things about love, and boys, and romance. but the thing is, in this post, there wasn't really a happy ending. in most once upon a time stories, there's a prince, and a poor yet beautiful girl, they end up together and go riding off in a white carriage with six stallions trotting in front. but this story didn't even have so much as a pickup truck. and my once upon a time, is something like that. a lot less formal, more like skinny jeans and swimsuits, and yet i can still remember it as if it was a favorite book of mine, or a movie. 
so there i was. six years old, started swimming on summer league. i had tried swim lessons, and they had worn off, and since then i had done tennis and ballet, and since we couldn't do all of them, mom gave me a choice. "tennis, or swimming," she had said, and i chose swimming because i thought we were going to play around with a noodle the whole time. and so i started, made a million new friends, and swam like i didn't know what i was doing. i did swim meets, my time for a twenty-five yard freestyle was two minutes, and i don't remember whether or not i cared. probably not. i met a guy named eli. he was several months older than me, not a year, but almost. i can't remember when i first met him though. because he was one of those people i felt like i knew my whole life. 

so we were friends. goofed around. summer came and went, and we forgot about each other and then remembered the next time league swim came around. and then, something happened. i don't know exactly when, but it was somewhat before the time the first chronicles of narnia was released, so i had nary a clue william moseley existed. furthermore, i was too scared to tell my mom i liked anyone. i was sure she'd forbid me to have feelings. about anything. so i kept that a secret. my crush on eli. we goofed around some more, his friends began noticing something about me. too many random conversations. and all those random conversations we had were planned. your cliche "i wanna be around you" thing. i was nearly nine. 

and at age ten and after everyone knew. i'm pretty sure my parents knew, they didn't let on about it, but all my friends knew, and eli knew. and i was so wrapped up in what i wanted to happen, that i didn't notice. 2007. the year i broke two records; actually started winning. alot of winning. and after that year i didn't do summer league. because year-round swimming came into the picture. i forgot about eli, i forgot about my crush, and then my sister turned four years old. summer came around. she joined the team in 2010. and so did i. thirteen years old then. he came back. "hey stranger" was the thing that got us back to remembering. his hair was longer. he was taller. still freakishly skinny, but taller, his hair was way longer. he eventually cut it and dyed it red, blue, black, blond, green, whatever. and then everything came flooding back. and it started again. 

i hung out with their family alot, mostly because he had two little siblings, edie and jace, and i just adored them. i had a thing with little kids, they were models of the children of my own i'd have some day. a crazy though said, with eli? oh gosh no. get your head back in the game. and so we were friends again. i demanded lots of hugs. funny, because people thought i didn't give hugs. buzz. you're wrong. 

i don't know if i really liked him or not. maybe i was in love with the fact that being loved was almost in my grasp, and i had to do anything to get it. i suppose i was a little mini-stalker, talking to him whenever i got the chance, whatever. savannah loved to tease me about it. it's okay, i laughed. news that he had a girlfriend came around. to my own surprise i didn't care. end of summer came. i was so used to seeing him that i almost didn't realize i'd have to say goodbye again. and when i did, i tried to figure out a way that i wouldn't have to. 

let's get together before next year. 
no, i'm good, besides, she won't like it. i've told her about you, she doesn't like you. anyway i'll see you...whenever. bye.
and i saw him again six days later at the grocery store. peach colored hair, with his mom. she knew. she thought it was cute. of course, she's always known. we talked, we hugged, and i behaved as if nothing had changed. i had a good cry afterward, something i hadn't done for anyone before, and it wouldn't be the last. 

i had added him on facebook. i talked, he didn't talk back. his mom said he wasn't ignoring me, he was just really busy with school and stuff. okay, cool, there's still hope. and hope was demonstrated. we talked. 
sorry about...um...all that, last...summer.
oh no, it's cool. 
of course it was. and after that, crush-darling wore off. i didn't care what color his hair was, how tall he was, how skinny he was. i didn't care about it anymore. and i finally now realize that i wasn't in love, though i swore to God {and i shouldn't have done that} that i was...i made some dumb choices that drowned me. 

and now it's 2011. summer is over, and yes, i saw him again. short hair, taller, not as skinny, a little broader. his sister and i are best friends. she's three years old. he's fifteen. and we're not as good friends as we used to be. he thinks i still like him. he's still with her. i still demand lots of hugs. and every time i see him i see those seven summers that i wasted. not being his friend, but wishing i was more. and i wasn't. 

i've had more crushes, and yes i have some now. there's nothing wrong with liking a guy, but going overboard of the subject can get you into a lot of hot water, in many ways. 
and so, i came out on love. i told my story. no dates, no funny stories, no hundred-day-kiss {or any kiss for that matter}, but only my rearview mirror that showed me nothing but regret. it was said in pride & prejudice, "we are all fools in love." and though we are all fools, we are not always in love.

i supposed this can be a post that you can ignore, and i know some will. but for those of you that have reached this point, i encourage you to come out. unveil everything. come clean. stop hiding behind the curtain. come in. come forth. come out. 
also, eli has quit summer league swim team. so, i don't when i'll see him again. if i ever. 

-kiss kiss kiss, hug kiss merriweather-
{pee ess: my news should be announced on either wednesday or thursday. so your wait is almost over. and i can swear, it's not about a goldfish :PP}
{pee pee ess: qui has offered to re-do my blog design, for now, until gracie does hers. it's going to look fairly similar to this one, with just a few vintagey looking perks. can't wait to see what she does!}

19 comments :

  1. You are extremely brave for coming out about something like this :)

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  2. That's a really good post, and I've made stupid mistakes in love too. But I think that they'll help me someday in the future xx

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  3. Beautiful. Post. Jocee. Thank you for sharing with us! Sometimes it is hard to come out about our story. The story that we never told or the story that we never dealt with. I may take you up on your challenge and post about my "Once upon a time". However, it doesn't have a happy ending... yet. Maybe it never will. But anyway, thank you for being open and reminding us to be wise!

    Much love, cupcakes, and a hug,

    -Lindsey Lou
    xoxoxoxoxoxo

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  4. I've made stupid mistakes. I've been a fool in love. I don't regret it. Though I should. I started to give it up because he already did. He broke my heart two-too many times, and now I'm done.

    So yea, I felt like typing up an overly dramatic comment to tell you how I felt on the topic. True, but oh' so touchy feel-y. :)I know how you feel, I dove in too deep as well.

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  5. cute story!
    HAHAHA! glad it's not about a goldfish!

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  6. I really admire your honesty, Jocee. Thanks for just being so honest.

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  7. Jocee, you're amazing. (: I wish I could share my story.. but I'm just not that brave. I'll write about all in my journal though. :)

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  8. Fabulous post Jocee. Your are honesty is admirable.:)

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  9. I loved this, Jocee!!!
    and hey, God's still writing our love stories...just because these few chapters of our lives didn't turn into happy endings doesn't mean He's not finished with us.

    love you so much, girl <3

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  10. My policy, guyfriends are sooooo much easier to manage than boyfriends. I will never allow myself to get attached to anyone in particular. I love this post, it made me sad but lessons learned always help in the future. thanks for sharing Jocee <3

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  11. So brave of you dear! One time this one boy found out I had a crush on him and he got mad at me and gave me the silent treatment forever, now we're friends again.. :) lol God has a plan for everything. xo

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  12. I admire ur honesty! I was the same way about a boy...except the other way around. I liked him...but now he is just a friend. But he still likes me that way. I don't know how I can show him I don't feel that way about him anymore, yet no hurt his feelings. But part of me is like "IS he just a friend, or his he more?" I guess it is just the fact that someone is this world thinks I am beautiful and likes me for who I am. I just don't know...?
    --Sara Beth
    {www.purpleish247.blogspot.com}

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  13. Love this post. I think that we've all experienced feeling this way one time or another... whether we want to admit it or not. Love isn't always like the fairy tales.

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  14. Don't fret, this relationship was only in the early years of your life, you will many more shots at this thing we call "Love". I will - sometime - write a Once Upon A Time post.
    <3 is complicated!
    -- Zoé

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  15. Really good post, dear! Boys=/ *sigh* Such a hard thing to come out about, you were brave to do so. Anyways...awesome post for all of us to read!:)
    luv u------

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  16. Oh wow! This is so true and honest. You are very brave to post this!

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  17. i finally came around to reading this post.
    you are an amazing writer...i couldn't stop reading. :)
    what you said in this post is so true, i know i was obsessed with a boy for about a year. but then i realized that a crush...especially a cruch similiar to your's doesn't matter...especially when i'm so young.
    i wish other girls realized this too...

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  18. super cute;) when i had a crush at age eight i thought i would be grounded forever!!! but hey... i told my mom and she thought it was cute:)

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  19. You're really brave, Jocee. *Applause*

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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