10.10.2011

an apology

i don't really know to go about saying this.
people admire me for my honesty. and, this is one of those cases where i need to be honest. so honest, i'm almost afraid to do this. but it's something...that i need to do.

i remember when i first started blogging. i knew nothing about html's, and my posts where random and meaningless. i thought i was doing well, staying with this blog and all, until i saw some of the really popular blogs and realized i wasn't doing as much as i could've. i wanted the followers like they had, the comments, the photos, the life.

everything they had seemed to be perfect. their clothes. their families. everything seemed to be going right for them, and here i am, on the other side, just trying to make ends meet. and i realize that i'm becoming that onion libby posted about. i'm becoming that knobby part of the onion that no one's supposed to see. i see their blogs, i see the blogs they follow. they're all apart of the same pattern. they love vintage, they do their own photography, they've traveled the world. and i think to myself: why can't that be me? why can't i be one of them? if i was...maybe...maybe i'd be as popular as they are.

and i saw that i was being selfish. i made the blog look like...the perfect creme brûlée. when on the inside, i was becoming as bitter at that onion. i wanted to be like them so much that...i kind of lost track of who i was. of course i followed their blogs, i commented, and i said kind, encouraging words. but i never meant it. it almost seemed like i was fading into an anonymous wannabe.

i almost blamed them. i don't even know the reason. i thought that maybe if i excelled at what i did i'd surpass them and they'd be nothing anymore. i can't believe i'm telling you guys this, but, i've been dealing with things that weren't of me. the thoughts that came into my head weren't who i was. and i wanted to stop it, so i did.

and so...as awkward as this is, i want to say to carlotta, abbey, olivia, hannah...all of you guys, that i am so, so sorry, from the very bottom of my heart. i wasn't being the happy-go-lucky person i wanted to be, because i wasn't thankful for what i had. i don't have a dslr camera, my baking is rather drastic, and the closest i've been to getting out of the U.S. is probably the Gulf of Mexico. i hate nutella, and i can't find a single pair of oxfords in my size.

so, i was wondering if we could all start over? ironic, sara beth left a comment that said "i love how you can type those things up, but the people they are for never end up reading them!" well, in this case, i really, really hope you guys read it. and after this i don't even have the guts to ask you. because even though you probably have nary-a-clue who i am, and i don't know if you'll ever know, i need to apologize, and i need to throw that knobby little onion bit away, because that's not who i am.

um, hi, my name is jocelyn, i'm fourteen years old and i did what i had to do. and this probably isn't going to make it all better, but at least i did it.
Tumblr_lredi4crnt1qa7ajjo1_500_large
and also i think these cupcakes look really good. 
-kiss kiss kiss, hug a bejeweled football-

37 comments :

  1. Oh, Jocee.
    I'm exactly the same way. Even with blogs with only 100-300 followers. It hard to see why they have so many followers sometimes, and you may or may not. But, I think this post is amazing, as they all are, and whether or not they read them, this was a great idea.

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  2. Jocee, Jocee. I feel exactly the same way.
    I try so hard to make my blog uniquely me, but...it's really hard to not try to be like all those super amazing people.
    It took some serious guts to post this, and you're awesome and a dear. (I did read the whole post btw. xD)
    ~Qui <3

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  3. I know how you feel, m'love. I'm guilty of those jealous feelings too.:( I must say, I probably wouldn't have the guts to write something like this though...your so much more brave then me:)

    I only have one thing to say---YOU DON'T LIKE NUTELLA?!!??!!???? Thats awesome!!! I'm not a big fan of it either.:D

    Luv ya----------<3----

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  4. read the whole post twice.

    this took courage and i admire you deeply for it, sweetie.

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  5. May I say that I struggle with the same?
    No one wants to be a stereotype. I'm trying to find my own blogging 'niche' and so I know what you mean.

    I love this:

    "i don't have a dslr camera, my baking is rather drastic, and the closest i've been to getting out of the U.S. is probably the Gulf of Mexico. i hate nutella, and i can't find a single pair of oxfords in my size."

    Let me tell, you, that pretty much describes me too.
    <3

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  6. Jocee... I think you just wrote down what we all are feeling and thinking deep down inside us. And I don't like nutella much either :)

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  7. i understand your sentiment. keep in mind that the number of followers one has has a lot to do with when the blog was founded. carlotta started pastor's girl's ponderings back in 2006 --that's 6 years ago. you only just started in january and already have a sizable fraction of what she has. hannah started in 2009. olivia started blogging in 2008. abbey and you started around the same time, and she only has several more followers than you. so don't be too heart-heavy.

    give it about a year, and you'll have 1,000 followers.

    host giveaways often too. :)

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  8. Dear Jocee,

    Hi, I'm MaryRachel and I'm fourteen years old. You inspire me because you are YOU. This post? It's gets 10 stars... out of 5 stars :)

    Love,
    Me :)

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  9. Hey, Jocee! You asked me how you made your links bold, and this is what I added. {commenting here because I have not yet added "reply to comment." I recently switched to a new template- and then back, so thus:D} If you use template designer- and I do- there will be this little dollar sign ($) under the a:hover area.
    Delete everything underneath that- and add this:


    a:hover {
    text-decoration:none; font-weight:bold;
    }

    and you'll have bold links. easy, right?

    oh, and I loved Mary Rachel's comment:)

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  10. This is great! I read it :) Just so you know, I always thought you were unique. I love ya!

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  11. Oh and the above comment... (the one I just posted) is not a "I'm going to be nice and kind and not mean it" comment. Trust me, I mean it! And also, who doesn't like vintage?

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  12. Hi Jocee

    I am guilty of that also, And I have to say I admire you incredibly for posting that. You are a lot stronger than you think, you are beautiful, your photography is great. Your writing is stunning. I see your latest blog post on my dashboard and I instantly feel excited to hear what you are blogging next! You are incredible! And yes, you do have your faults, I have plenty of faults! But so do the ones with the "perfect" blogs! I would love to have a gazillion followers too. So I look at those blogs and think "Why!? I want that! Why not me?

    I feel as if I know you... which is weird considering we've never spoken to each other! But you have such a lovable personality! Yours was one of the first blogs I found when I started blogging and I have to say, that yours is one of the most welcoming. I love to read it and it's so friendly! :D

    I love your blog Jocee, keep strong. Praying for you. Love
    Kimmy xxx

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  13. darling girl, you are precious.
    we all love you to bits, so keep all your honest-to-goodness-gorgeous posts up!
    totally read this post through. amen sista.

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  14. you are very welcome, Jocee!
    ♥ashlyn♥

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  15. Jocee. This seriously is me in a nutshell. You are so inspiring. And you ARE you!
    I love your blog!

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  16. Wow! I think like this all the time. I love to blog! But sometimes other blogs put my blog to shame. Thanks for the post!

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  18. But look at how many followers you have! I could have written the same post as you, except you'd be one of the bloggers I'd been envying. I remember when you came on the blogging scene with 20 followers, and I had 70, and now you have 200+, and left me far behind XD You're doing something right!

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  19. this took courage, and I really admire you for that. I feel exactly the same dear <3

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  20. Dear Joc,

    I have always loved your blog because to me, it always felt unique and somewhat different than the other "popular" blogs out there! I don't think, if I were to feel this way, I would have the guts to post so openly about how I felt and stuff, so I'm proud of you, friend!!!!

    Love you lots,
    Manda <3 | xoxoxoxxoxox

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  21. Jocee, I've been pondering this all day, and I just have to echo everyone else: This took guts for you to post, and I admire you for that. Don't worry, though, we still love you. And your blog is one of my favorites - just the way it is. :) ♥

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  22. I think that you have to look at it this way: they are people too. I'm close friends with several of the girls you mentioned, and life is not always happy and easy for them. For instance, Hannah's younger brother has struggled with a lot of things in his tiny life, and that's been hard on her.

    I don't know, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. I know I've struggled with the whole blogger jealously thing before, so...I don't know. It's just that it's not that "everything they had seemed to be perfect."

    Okay, it may seem perfect, but it's not. I think it helps to keep that in mind.

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  23. Hi Jocee:) I'm Claire, and I've been reading your blog since about forever now.I don't think I've commented, but I've still always been here, reading and sending thought waves to you about how awesome this blog is XD it's amazing. And I'm not just saying that. and I just want to say, I love you for being so honest and for being YOU.
    you're an amazing girl and a great source of inspiration. {plus the cupcakes on here are making my mouth water... why hello midnight sweet tooth ;)

    Keep up the amazing job of being you. you are certainly one of a kind <3

    {p.s. I haven't actually started my blog yet, but once I do I'll be SURE to put you up on my fave blog list. luv ya girly :) }

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  24. Aww, this took bravery to write, but you should be so proud of yourself. It's something I definitely respect you for--for being able to come clean like that. And your blog is never more delightful than when you're being you, not someone else. Remember that.

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  25. Hi Jocee,

    I appreciate that you were willing to write this. I've had things in my life that I've had to deal with, and it's not easy and it's not comfortable, but it's the right thing to do. God will bless someone who is willing to deal with sin in their life.

    Furthermore I want to say I have appreciated your blog, and personally I prefer the "real" blogs over the ones that are someone's dream of what their life could be like. I struggle with the same issue of wanting to be like other people to be "perfect". But God loves you and me just the way we are.

    -Carli Nicole

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  26. this couldnt be more inspiring.
    the way you wrote this is so..... true. and you took amazing amazing amazing courage to write that.
    but theres something else I need to say: that girl is me too.... sitting... waiting and dreaming to be the perfect blogger.
    but dont be too hard on yourself, ok? because guess what? when I read your blog everyday, I always think about your uniqueness and the ability you have to make me feel like there is someone else out there like me: just a normal girl.
    thank you so much for this. <3 <3 <3

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  27. Oh my goodness jocee...this is so like me. I've become sort of...bitter towards the popular blogs. Thank you for posting this

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  28. wow, i admire you for saying that! I know what you mean, it's hard not to try and be like the other bloggers who have soo many followers and just be yourself. thanks for posting this!<3

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  29. Congratulations on writing this post, it must've taken extreme courage.
    Romixxx

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  30. And I found your lovely blog fromCarlotta's blog. ( :

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  31. Jocee,

    I love this post. So honest and beautifully written. And your apology...oh girl, you don't even need to get into that. I totally get it. I'm not sure how long you've been blogging, but I didn't really start seriously until late 2009. Believe me, the readers come with time. I think as bloggers it's hard to be completely original -- even subconsciously we tend to copy others. Don't beat yourself up over it. Really.

    Have a lovely rest of the week!

    -carlotta

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  32. Hello, Jocee!

    I seriously admire you for writing this. Your honesty is such a beautiful thing. Please, please know this: my life is not perfect. I promise you this. Like anybody else, I have my moments. I have gone, and still go through hard times. We all do.

    And, thank you for your apology, even though you really didn't need to. Your honesty just made my day. Seriously.

    much love,

    abbey

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  33. Jocee, I really like this post.

    You're honest. I read it twice. It's easy to be jealous of others blogs. Which, is kind of ridiculous, because it's just a website! But I also like Katies comment. Everything isn't perfect in their life, and that's okay! :)
    I like your blog, keep it up!

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  34. this truly is amazing, Jocee. You're one of the most honest, amazing people I know---and that's the truth.

    you're inspiring me to be happy with who I am, and not get consumed by the competativeness of blogging.

    love always,
    ~Lily

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  35. I just found your blog, and this was the first post I read. I am so glad I did.

    I am, a lot of the time, the same way. I follow blogs, not because I only think it's a beautiful blog, and fun to read, but because I'm frustrated with myself, and I ask myself "Why can't I be like them? Perfect skin, beautiful hair, awesome camera, hundreds of talents..." but i have to catch myself, and remind myself that I don't have my 60+ followers because I have the same life/talents/looks that those "Perfect-Blogger-Awesome-Person" girls do. I have my readers and bloggy friends I have, because I am me. They love me for me, and I should strive to be more me as God made me to be, and to blog like it.

    ...Wow, this was a deep comment! xD

    Anyway, I am now following you, for being you. <3

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  36. Hi Jocee,

    I'll basically echo the comment above, I just found you today out of sheer randomness and fell completely in love with your blog. I also feel with you gal!! I'm super duper new to blogging and always am comparing and get so frustrated with myself when I see cool looking blogs with charming wallpapers, actual tabs, lovely people and swell wording choices.. its hard to stay individual!

    For the record, I have a polaroid, it freezes up and dyes, and does not let you use no flash. Nutella was loved..until allergies became my life, and now i dont care for it either. ;)

    I've found YOU to be such a cool cat, LOVE the blog, and keep being YOURSELF! Cuz' only you can be Jocee. =) God Bless!! ~Your new follower~ Lisie <3

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  37. Hello Jocee!

    I read this post and the one after it, and I want to say, honestly, don't worry. I really loved this post, but please, it's perfectly fine. Apology accepted, but not necessary. :) The beauty of blogging is that through it, we can grow, collaborate, and begin to discover our voice. I think everyone goes through a little of blogger wishing-I-could-be sometime in their blogging time. It was very brave of you to write this and your honesty is so refreshing. Keep on writing for you and the readers will come for who you are!

    Hoping you have a lovely day! xo
    Hannah

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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