10.07.2011

fiddling; learning to be silent

Tumblr_lcpf15byiy1qzh0vno1_500_large
i've met a lot of people in my lifetime. 
of course, that doesn't mean i actually know them. 
a "hi" here. a "hipster nod" there. i've known these people for years. most of my life. and yet we don't know each other. we call each other 'friends' but we don't know each other.
and when i make a move to become their friend, they look at me like i'm wearing my head inside out. but what did i do? i'm sorry. i should probably just be quieter from now on. i've realized that my world and my blog are two different things. this is probably one of the only places where i can be myself. i don't get judged for who i am, and i find other people who are just like me.

but in that world, who am i?

i am a mouse.

if i'm not going to be accepted in the places i go, then why don't i just not say anything at all? when i do speak it's as though i've committed a federal offense. and so what do i do?

i fiddle with my thumbs.

learning to be silent. hush, jocelyn. please, dear. save it for later. but i know what that means. i'll never get to say it. so what's the point? but then again, i can't keep myself bottled up like this any longer. i'll suffocate.

i'm becoming a mime. biting my tongue. fiddling with my thumbs. 

sigh. why is it they're having so much fun, and i'm here, all alone, with no one?
and so my mind takes a small vacation. but then i'm passed off as strange. unsocial. i'm in a world where stereotypes surround me and i have nothing else to do, but...

look down. pretend they don't get to me. and when they strike a nerve, biting my tongue. biding my time.
knowing if i'm going to survive, then -  
i've got to practice...learning hmm, hmm, hmm.

sigh.

9 comments :

  1. Oh dear Joc, I know EXACTLY what you mean!!! That happens to me CONSTANTLY. :(

    Love you,
    Manda

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jocelyn,
    I know exactly what you mean.
    I struggle with it too.
    Very true to life post.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know what you mean Jocee.
    I love you- you're an amazing girl! :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Jocee-
    I know what you mean. For sure. Sometimes I struggle with this too. But don't forget, God made you just the way you are, so don't be afraid to be yourself! You are one of a kind and your uniqueness has (and will) inspire many, many people! Inspire them to be themselves, to be different, to change, to not care what others think. I know, because you inspired me. :) After all, it's only the different people who inspire us to change. Chin up, girl! :)) I'll be prayin' for ya!

    Love, a hug, smiles, another hug, and more love,

    -Lindsey Lou <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you Jocee for stating the truth about all of us homeschoolers!!!! :) you have brightened my day. I'm just starting out as a blogger and I hope I can feel the happiness you do. I haven't actually posted yet but I'm going to soon. My blog is candiopolis.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. You know what? This post just speaks truth truth truth. I hear you. I read blogs and think, "Wouldn't it be cool if I could hang out with this person? They totally get me." But I think (and this just came to my head right now) that maybe God spread us out for a reason. To... um, be who we are and nobody gets us and survive?

    Okay, I don't know.

    But beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh, beautiful post! Thanks so much!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Like everyone else said, this was wonderful post and be who you are because we all love you just the way you are and so does the Lord! :) I talk way too much, sometimes, actually not sometimes, most of the time, but I love it because that's the way God created me! And it's a really wonderful gift God has given you! :))

    Love,
    Cindi

    ReplyDelete
  9. this made me cry. i understand. i really do. xo

    ReplyDelete

sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...