6.05.2012

suddenly overwhelmed.

overwhelming.
dear tom,

I can finally write that letter to you now. It's not like you knew I was writing you a letter anyways, but before I was writing you a same-old-same-old that you probably get in the mail a lot. Now, I (hope I) am writing something totally different.

As I write this, I'm listening to you read The Red Necklace (which I hope isn't weird, but I like the way you read, and I could write about it forever but I don't want to get Carpal Tunnel), contemplating how I might just be becoming a wallflower, and realizing that maybe someone loves me. I'm just sort of overwhelmed. But let me explain myself.

The remainder of June 4th, 2012 is one hour and five minutes. It's a Monday, or so it was, and it was a pretty good Monday for awhile (assuming you know about the "Monday Curse"and all that jazz) until I went to volleyball with my mom and sister. We don't play formally, and my sister is six so she doesn't play at all, but we go to this gym and play for fun with a whole bunch of other women. At least, I play for fun. I'm not very good, and we got busy/holidays happened just as I was finding my "Mojo," so I didn't go for maybe a month or so.

When it comes to volleyball, the people who come are either really good/not good enough, but I don't fall into that margin, because I'm not really good at all, and obviously not good enough. I'm always the last to get put on teams, and I can tell they don't want me; I can see it in their eyes, but that's okay, because nobody ever wants/wanted me, and I've never really wanted myself, either. That was a long sentence. Sorry about that.

So basically, even though there were first-timers there, I didn't get the ball over the net but once, and I didn't really hit the ball at all or even attempt to, so they didn't really need me anyways. And that's when things started to get bad. My Mom was mad when we left and when we got home she complained to Daddy about people complaining and said something about me being afraid of the ball or something. Daddy was cooking dinner and sort of yelled at me saying "eat or not, but you're going to bed in twenty-five minutes." Sometimes, I don't think he's a very good father, but I like him other times.

So I ate a jelly sandwich and a glass of milk because they taste good together and I didn't feel like porkchops, and I started crying because I had just gotten The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Charlie and I were slowly becoming twins, and I had a final experience with Eli that most definitely wasn't good that I don't want to talk about, and it felt like the world was collectively saying they didn't want me, they didn't need me, and that they could finish the volleyball game on their own. Which made me cry even harder. Have you ever felt like that, Thomas?

So I texted my best friend Audrey (who thinks you're pretty awesome) and told her what happened as best I could without getting tears on my computer. She didn't respond at first, but then she did, and you know what she said? She said "When you've got trouble, I've got trouble too, darling." It's from this song that we listen to when we're having hard times and I'm the one usually telling her that, but when she told me I broken down completely. And then she told me I was beautiful in any and every way possible and that she wouldn't say so if she didn't. And then the floodgates opened.

And then the bad overwhelmed turned to good. Have you ever felt like that, Thomas? Like you don't care if the world doesn't love you but your best friend does, and you actually feel beautiful? I feel really blessed to know Audrey. I bet you feel the same way about your best friend, and the people who have really resonated in you. It's so incomprehensible, you know? To have your world completely turned around within minutes.

And if you were my best friend, I'd say the same. And I do consider you to be my friend, even though I'd never heard of you until Audrey started raving over your awesomeness, even though you won't know I exist until I win my first Oscar for Best Original Score (you're presenting one of those, by the way), even though you're half-a-world-away most of the time. You're eloquent and gentle and your voice sounds like a purring cat, and you've set the standard for men in a way that Mr. Darcy can't. Everything you do seems so uplifting, and even though I don't know you, it seems to help me with the roughest of days. And that's why I'm writing you this, even though it's as long as the kayak from China to America, even though it's not a confession of my love to you (please don't take that seriously), even though it's just a letter. But like Charlie said, you seem like the person who would listen and understand. And I'm writing this in my sole belief that you're going to read it. Even if you're old and gray (which probably isn't possible in your case) when you do.

So, thanks for existing. You should eat a cupcake to celebrate.
-kiss kiss kiss, loki's army forever-
{pea ess: finished cranford today. william buxton makes me just giddy. also, my deepest apologies about the hacking deal. we'll avenge it. promise.}
{pea pea ess: you guys, he has to read this. he has to.}

19 comments :

  1. This is so great, your writing is lovely and that letter is everything. Yes, he has to read this!

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  2. this is adorable! you write so lovely, and this is just downright awesome!

    <3

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  3. Aww I just love this Jocee! :)

    Hannah
    thewritingsofhannah.blogspot.com

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  4. Beautiful. Oh Thomas Hiddleston, throw him a few extra kisses for me, will ya?

    And Audrey is simply amazing. I love her. And she deserves to know she is amazing. So I hope she sees this comment.

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  5. jocee you have officially been deemed my best friend. simply for taking the thoughts from my head and making them twenty times as awesome. oh and for having the guts to actually post this lovely piece of fangirling.

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    Replies
    1. i just re-re-read this. weird? maybe. worth the few extra minutes taken from my daily clock? totally.

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  6. he has to read this. he has to.

    we'll make it happen, darling ;)

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  7. this is the most darling thing ever. yes. he has to.

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  8. I like this. A lot.

    It really resonated with me. I feel overwhelmed, too, in different ways, but the same general feeling. So, this was lovely.

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  9. Wow- I feel like that sometimes. Especially with the whole volleyball thing, except for me it's every-single-sport-you-can-think-of. Yah, me and my friend usually just joked about being the last to get picked *every* time, but sometimes it wears you down. But you just gotta pick yourself up stare 'em in the face and say "Honey, I don't need your sporty team game thing. I got me some bigger fish to fry" And then you waltz right off flicking your gorgeous hair. Because they may be the beeses-kneeses at volleyball/whatever but you are the Queen of cupcakes and will someday have multiple oscars for music composingness. And I think oscars are pretty flipping cool.
    Kimmy xxx
    PS. Super sorry for the long comment, I'm in a bit of a rambling mood.

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  10. Awh! This is so cute. <3 I think he should definitely read this. At least once. ^_^
    xox

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  11. Can I just ditto Fizi Kizi's entire comment? :P

    But seriously, this wonderful. And yes, he most definitely must read this.

    ~ Abby

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  12. Wow, beautifully written post Jocee! Just amazing! I felt like I was reading a book! :)

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  13. loved this!

    i kinda loved loki to death in the Avengers and I felt like crying when Tom's character died in War Horse.

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  14. Oh and Jocee, what is that song called and who sings it? Because the link didn't work for me. :P

    Hannah

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    Replies
    1. "when you've got trouble" by liz longley :) gorgeous song.

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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