i get back the pool tomorrow and even now i cannot breathe.

i stopped swimming a week before my junior year started. officially stopped swimming. i'd been on break for months, and somehow, i got out of going back. i bike by the pool occasionally and smile to myself, glad that i'm not there having to do hard sets on even harder intervals; having to share lanes with people i don't like; looking at the clock and groaning because we still have an hour and fifteen minutes left. i visit even less and i look how everyone's changed. how the boys' voices have gotten deeper and who's left and who's joined. how preston still doesn't understand that thinking and saying are two different things. and i miss the interaction, but that is about it. and i've gotten better, honestly. as a person, i've sort of made peace with myself and decided to remember all the good things swimming has done for me. and i will never forget the place it's made in my life. 

but now, i'm getting bad again. i'm staring at the clock in dread of two o' clock tomorrow, when lifeguard training starts. it's not the same thing, i know it's not. it's more than just getting in a pool and swimming until your heart has multiplied in size. but even so, i feel afraid. like i'm suffocating or something. i don't know what to expect and i'm not used to this anymore and i don't have the dedication to even get my hair wet so what is the point? i'm trying to be cool about it, to realise this is a good thing that i have in front of me, it'll give me good skills. and yet, i--sigh. and yet i cannot have peace about it, no matter how hard i try. 

and that is why

i'm giving this to God. 

(matthew 11:28.)
{pea ess: woke up this morning to 500 followers. floored. thank you all.}


  1. i'm thinking about you. this is hard, and i know you'll pull through it just fine :)

  2. praying that God will give you peace about this decision, jocee. :) maybe the lack of peace is God trying to tell you it's not meant to be though? sometimes when we feel uneasiness about something it can be a nudging from the Holy Spirit... y'know? :)

  3. you can do it, doll. i know you can. phillipians 4:13. breathe. i know what it feels like to be suffocating, but time is nothing. it will be over before you know it - nothing more than a blip on the film of your life. every day is a new day. mmmmwa.

  4. good for you jocee. i'll be praying for you. ☺

  5. darling, darling, darling, when you're married, a mom to children and have a house and job of your own, heck yes you will be glad you did swimming. in your own words: '.... realise this is a good thing that i have in front of me, it'll give me good skills'

    it's hard to see that when nerves take over. so just relax. be yourself. make new friends. try your hardest.

    i'm praying. xx

  6. you're in my prayers today joc!! you can do it!!!!


  7. #youcandothis #prayersyourway #loveyoutwin! #500followersyouasuppastah #italkinhashtags #sowhat #elishaswag ;)

  8. Aww :( I hope things begin to look up, I'll be praying :)
    Kimmy x

  9. Well.
    If you don't have peace about it, maybe God doesn't want you to do it.
    Just a guess ;)

    1. incidentally, i didn't take the job because it didn't feel right. i guess that was me being brave.

  10. you can do it. you can do it. you can do it. breathe in and out. in and out. count to ten. now sing this with any melody you want: la-di-da-di-da. dreams. la-di-da-di-da. clouds. la-di-da-di-da. love. la-di-da-di-da. God is amazing. He loves me. He will protect me.

    now count to ten, again. get a cup of tea, coffee, or hot cocoa and sip it down slowly. read a chapter of a fiction novel. think of everything good in your life. thank God for everything good in you life. pray. sing a song.

    that's my favorite way to calm myself down. i think it's pretty peaceful. prayers are being sent by angels to you. everyone is sending you a little angel. even me.

    xoxo || meena

  11. i've been a synchronized swimmer all my life and had to quit in september because i had a bad ear problem and had to get surgery. i haven't been able to get my head under the water since, and i don't know when i'll be able to swim again. every time i walk or drive in front of a pool or see pictures of my teammates competitions i get a suffocating feeling. i'm so scared i won't be able to swim again.

    so please, when you go to the pool tomorrow, and you put your swimsuit on and it feels tight and uncomfortable, as you are greeted by the smell of sweat and chlorine, as you clean the goggles that keep getting foggy, as you adapt to holding your breath while you are underwater and follow the line at the bottom of the pool, think about it as good things, appreciate them. they'll be like little presents that you are giving me:)

    ps. you'll do just fine, i promise!!!

  12. I remember when I took swimming lessons with my best friend Jennifer (ha-ha) when I was around seven years old...I hated the humidity cling to my skin, hated changing in the locker rooms, hated going underwater not knowing where up or down was, hated the feeling that i was probably the worst swimmer in the whole world of swimmers. but that was when i was younger, when i could still use those funky-looking noodles, when it was okay for me to be scared to dunk my head in the water for a bajillion seconds. but now i still can't keep my head in the water with my eyes open. i have to do it closed or with goggles. oh, and did i mention that since i wear glasses, i always had to take them off and everything was blury? gosh, i promise myself i am going to get contacts one day...waterproof ones, i think. (i think those exist...)

    so. remember that we're all cheering you on from the cold and wet and humid bleachers. remember that you don't have to do what you're doing currently as a living. that's what i say to myself when i play violin.

    go jocee.

  13. i get how hard it can be to deal with competition...and being dedicated to something that you don't enjoy is so hard. i'm praying for you. i hope that's it's encouraging to know that someone else in the world has felt that way. keep it up, i promise God has it all in control (as you well know). you go, girl. :)

    -a follower


sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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