8.28.2015

oh no, set me free.

“I'm afraid of everything. I let fear completely paralyze me. I have isolated myself and hurt myself. I want to be the kind of person who laughs and eats dark chocolate and plays card games with a boy. I self harm, and I'm so afraid to tell anyone. But I want to live-I'm so tired of hiding in the dark. I want to cry and feel and change. I hate staying in this sameness. I am aching to live, even if it means getting hurt again.”
Yesterday, you said tomorrow.

You wake up, swing your legs over the bed. You dig your fists into the mattress and breathe in, out in, before getting up. You shower, dress, eat, whatever your normal routine is. You put your phone in your pocket and your wallet in the other. You look at yourself once more in the mirror before you head for the door. You look good. Things are going to be different this time. You walk toward the door and turn the key in the lock. Once it clicks, you grab the knob and turn to open. But it won't open. Nothing happens. You are stuck. You are stuck.

You panic, not sure what to do at this point. You try relocking and unlocking the door again to no avail. You tug on the knob, coaxing it to do its job. You yank at it with everything you've got, because you want this, you've promised yourself—and it's broken. There it is. A warm, round, brassy door knob sitting in the palm of your hand. This seems unreal. You don't know how to respond. The house is starting to creak around you. Suddenly, the walls are groaning and the staircases are bending out of shape. Everything around you is falling apart, yet the place you stand in remains pure. The house deforms itself completely and still manages to keep you inside. There is no indication that there is a way out. The windows, once rectangular and full of light, have melted, the ends kissing each other without intending to let go. There is no way out.

You fold your arms, making yourself smaller with every second. The interior of the house follows your movement, creeping closer to you until neither of you can move any further. Your knees shake until they go numb, and before you know it, you start losing feeling in your fingers. You feel as though your entire body is being wrapped in a cocoon from the bottom up. A vine of thorns coil around your wrists and numb you to the bone. You go unconscious before the cocoon reaches your neck. You knew this would happen.

There is a period that you don't remember. The blackness has engulfed you to where you can't even recognize it anymore. When the images start fading back in, this is what you hear.

So I head out, down a route I think is heading south,
But I'm not good with directions and I hide behind my mouth, (louder)
I'm a pro at imperfections and I'm best friends with my doubt, (Louder)
And now that my mind's out, and now I hear it clear and loud,
I'm thinking, (LOUDER) "Wow, I probably shoulda stayed inside my house."

You open your eyes and focus in on the ceiling.
Yesterday, you said tomorrow.
But you don't get up.

so. i do this thing where i donate my plasma to people with immune system issues. it's really quite easy. it's like getting your blood drawn at the doctor's. and in order to be able to donate, you have to have good iron levels and have to have drunk lots of water. it was great at first. i was helping people, i was making money, things were good. and then i psyched myself out and made it more complicated than it should've been. i made up reasons why i wouldn't be able to keep my iron or up or stay hydrated. i told myself i couldn't keep up with it or do it. i convinced myself that no matter how hard i tried, i wouldn't make the cut and i wouldn't be able to donate. so i stopped. and now i'm in a situation where i need to go back. but instead, i'm sitting at home. talking to people online. sitting on tumblr, watching youtube videos, watching other people interact. i always overanalyze things to where they're not in my favour in anymore. so i don't go, because the possibility that i do something wrong is too great. looks like we're both best friends with our doubt. but now that our mind's out and now we hear it clear and loud i'm thinking wow, i probably should kick doubt out of my house.

-kiss kiss kiss, you're the judge-
{pea ess: it's funny that i reference twenty one pilots so much when i'm actually going to see walk the moon in concert next. oh well.}

2 comments :

  1. thank you for these, jocee - so beautiful. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. I want to be the kind of person who laughs and eats dark chocolate and plays card games with a boy too. Self doubt is our worst enemy, and I'm not even trying to outrun it anymore. I've felt so unmotivated lately. I haven't been coming up with my usual plans, but do I really need to? I'm not thinking anymore about what I should be doing or what the right state of mind is, because I've trapped myself in the confused state I am. The difference is, maybe tomorrow I'll snap back into it. I've been saying 'tomorrow' for ages, but I swear tomorrow it will be.

    -M
    The Life of Little Me

    ReplyDelete

sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...