5.15.2014

lifejacket.

"i feel like i'm drowning but i'm too heavy to swim to the surface."

"I'm an overweight teenager. I've been like this for the last few years and this summer I've finally doing something about it. I've been on a journey to get healthy again, I've been following a healthy diet.. but I haven't been able to see results. My mum is forever making little comments here and there about my weight and although she doesn't mean to hurt me, they stab deeper than she will ever know. Sometimes I just hate myself. Not my personality- I know I was created by the God of the universe, I know I am special, and I know who I am in Christ- but I hate who I've become (physically). Sometimes I hate myself because I can't seem to stick with a diet, and I keep finding myself slipping. But nobody knows how I feel- not even my best friend (I trust her with everything else- but I don't have the courage to speak to anybody on this). But I never bring up the subject, and I am a genuinely happy person, so nobody would ever guess I feel this way. The only thing I have to testify to this is the tear filled nights with a wet pillowcase, and the long frustrated journal entries."
this is for you, and for the lovely girl who is "in the same boat," and for me. no matter how heavy our bodies are, 
He is the lifejacket that will always bring us out of the water. we can do it. i love you both.

-kiss kiss kiss, across the universe-
{pea ess: had my yearly doctors visit today. wasn't as bad as i thought.}

8 comments :

  1. Hey, I come from a long history of self-hate and body image issues, and deep roots in an eating disorder, so hear me when I say you are loved and I feel your pain. I'm not saying you're going to plunge yourself into the same hole I dug myself into, but do proceed with caution. It doesn't matter whether or no you are trying to lose weight-- you'll never be happy with your body until you accept it and love it. Accepting and loving doesn't mean not trying to lose weight, it means appreciating your body either way and getting to a healthier weight as a mark of love. The shackles you bear are less about the weight of your body and more about the weight in your heart and soul. God is so good, and you are so lovely. Praying that your journey is healthy and you have the grace to pick yourself up when you inevitably slip (because it happens and that's okay). :)

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  2. well, you already know how i feel about this so, yeah. ;)
    <3 <3 <3

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  3. I'm dealing with all of this same stuff too. I don't have any answers yet. But you know, being healthy is not only beneficial, it's important, and while I'm on my journey to self discipline by heating healthy/exercising, it's inspiring to me to see you sticking with it. So really, you're not only helping yourself, you're helping me. And also I want to agree with the comment Grace made - being happy with your body (my body) means accepting your body (my body) the way that it is (note to self). I know I will probably still struggle extraordinarily with my body image for the rest of my life, no matter what sort of changes I go through, but I also know that I don't ever have to let those struggles overcome me or even inconvenience me. One night about a year or so ago, I cried all night long. But not because it was a particularly difficult night due to self hatred - it was because God showed me that this entire self-loathing that I've been going through is incredibly selfish, because it's all about ME. And while it's still very important to be healthy, it's not important to focus on myself all the time. Anyway, those are just some late night, drug-induced (I've got a staph infection :P ) thoughts, clouded with the philosophy paper I just read, and exhausted from everything else, so what do I know. I don't have any answers. But just know that your journey is helping more than just yourself, and that I believe in you to the fullest. <3

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  4. I agree with what Abby was saying. I've struggled with this too. I think everybody does, even people who are skinny. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be more fit and strong, but to worry is not good. Don't try to diet, make little changes and choices throughout the day, and those little choices will be more impactful the long run. I worry sometimes too, but Jocee, worrying and hating is not gonna help, especially if it's about what other people think. and btw, I think you're pretty adorable.

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  5. ohmygoodness. that is everything I've wanted to say for forever and you just...understand.
    i struggle with all that stuff and especially today i feel like a stupid loser. i needed this, thank you<3
    and yes. i just know that He's gonna save me from the drowning sea~
    xoxo
    rainbows and dreams

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  6. ask God, he will show you how to shed a few pounds, that is fun for you, ...in my case he showed me rollerblading, I haven't been very faithful in implementing it....its a matter of making time for it, but he is good like that...Love in Christ...Paula

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  7. Don't forget that God made you the exact way he wanted to Jocee, and that you are beautiful and perfect in his eyes. If you still want to lose some weight tho, my friends have all been using this:
    http://www.trimhealthymama.com/
    I don't really understand it, but it really works wonders. My friend went from being quite overweight to skinnier than me in a matter of months. The wonderful thing about it is that you don't have to eat less, you just eats proteins separate than fats. I really would recommend it to any one, and you should definitely check it out! =)
    xoxo,
    Brooke

    Silver Linings

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  8. I really admire your courage to put this on the internet. I know how difficult it is to open up about ones weight.

    As always a little girl I'd been considered 'chubby' and when I went into junior high I was a little overweight. I made a resolution to be healthier, and I was sure that once I reached my goal I would love my body. But even though I followed my diet for a long period of time and ran outside everyday I still didn't look like I wanted to. Eventually the whole thing turned into a full blown eating disorder and I wish I could go back now, telling that 'chubby' little girl that she was beautiful-her curves, the rolls of love around her belly, her rosy cheeks.

    I"m not saying that that will happen to you, obviously everyone is different. But please know that God made you exactly how he wanted you to look, and there is nothing wrong with enjoying good food. There's a lot of crap out there about what being healthy looks like. Remember that 'healthy' is going to look different for you than it will for anyone else-because there is no one like you.

    xoxo,
    Jana

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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