6.16.2013

letters to tradaisa, opus one.

june sixteenth, in the bed at the grandparents'.
9:59:41pm and i've finally started to cry. camp... it does something to you. i've learned that in the eleven years i've been going. the only year i didn't cry was last year, and that's because i was trying to make up for all the things i'd unknowingly done (but the best part is, i think i made that up with you). but all-in-all, feelings i never think i'll have well up in the dark and spill over into midnight glasses of water. and the funny thing is, it feels like it's midnight just because it's dark. but sleeping is a luxury that i won't be able to give myself for awhile.

megan says to describe as many glorious moments as i can in my journal. this is my journal but i can't even begin to describe the array of glorious things that took place last week. but i'll think of one because sometimes i like crying, and that one would be the time where i hugged you for a good minute and a half after i screamed myself away in the prayer garden (and i actually feel physically lighter. the stress literally made my body into a tree stump). it wasn't awkward even though you said it was. and i could feel myself glowing. and even though it was cloudy and humid, i bet my eyes were really brown. 

johanna says to avoid contact with other humans at all cost because you never know what sort of germs they might have but dear God, in the year i've known you, you'd never hugged more people than you did last week. now i know you don't mind hugging, but touching isn't your favourite. and yet... i think in certain situations it's necessary to more than hug; to brush hair back and smell sweatshirts (hey, mallory), to squeeze hands and smile with fangs in your teeth. and you're good at that, because you're quiet and you know how to be there and now i can't see to type so congratulations i would like a cookie for training myself to type with my eyes closed. 

jennoelle asks what the point is of a gemstone (the metaphor and the real thing) if it is fake. rhetorical question, probably, but there is none. and putting on a facade for others (to draw attention or even make them laugh) may feel good for awhile, but once they begin to see you for who you actually are, it gets worse ("you" being an example of a person). and i think we both saw that. in more than one person. and i think it was wise to remove ourselves. and the best part is: there was no cost because we gained so much more.

jessica looks like a jessica and you look like a tradaisa (for now) and i look like someone who definitely has a different name that what is expected of me. in which case, jocelyn. and i do often wonder what life would be like if i were named carol amber (did i tell you that was a possibility?) instead of jocelyn carol. but you're the one who is going to find out. you tolerated mispronunciations and the scrutinizing of your name tag and repetition more than i did. but to me, you will always look like a tradaisa because it will always be you. 

10:42:13pm and i haven't laid out my clothes for tomorrow and i'm stressing about it. it just became very real to me that i won't sleep in but for saturdays and sundays and that i won't smell my own home for nearly a month and a half. here, i have but a few friends to begin with. here, now, all i want is hard waffles and ice cream for breakfast and an attempted nap after the lunch shift. now, all i want is to write write write about the last time we sang and about how i broke my code and got a different ice cream flavour this morning and about how happy i feel when you can actually tell that my eyes are actually really, really brown. here, all i want is a crappy game of truth or dare (except not really, because i'm square) [rhymed] until you have to wake me up to make me answer the question. 

here, all i want is ocean. the best ocean. 'layna ocean, and even though you will always be a tradaisa, ocean will always be you. 

love, jo.

{letters to my best friend that signify how much she means to me and how much i will miss home while i'm a way at the music conservatory. also stories about camp, and many tears.}

7 comments :

  1. i like how i was expecting the whole 'kiss kiss kiss' ending, and it totally didn't happen. i also like that you're back, and that you write things like this.

    conclusion? you make me glad. x

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  2. Oh wow...just wow.
    You had me mesmerised with you words.
    I loved reading these real, honest, raw and beautiful letters, writings and ramblings. I'll never tire of reading them :)
    xo

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  3. i absolutely love camp. beautiful post x
    - Jianine

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  4. You're lovely and write lovely things and I'm just quite happy that you're back. <3

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  5. WHERE DA KISS KISS? Anyways, love.. as always!

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  6. your words never fail to mesmerize me, jocee.

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  7. how utterly and wonderful was every little bit of this
    xx
    http://petalandplume.blogspot.ca

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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