12.28.2011

i'm coming out {five} that sinking feeling

warning. things are about to get intense. 
i was never one to flirt. atleast, i don't think so. usually when my friends were meeting up and choosing sides, i was the watching the show. and when they got their hearts broken, i was the one letting them cry on my shoulder and give them advice to get them back on their feet. i've never been in a relationship in my life. and it's like i'm dr. phil or something. 

don't get me wrong here. i like boys. i'm not against relationships. i've wanted to be in one. in fact, i want to be in one right now. we all say that we don't need a guy to make us happy. and yet, atleast once, it seems like we're proving ourselves wrong. apart from the media having a girl hanging on a boy in every corner, we're influenced by our peers alot more than we let on. 

we all want to be kissed. touched. needed. we all seem to shun it off but every once in awhile we bite our lip imaging what it would be like if that girl was you. holding the hand of the person you love. a smile on your face that you can't control. 

i notice when my friends point to a guy and say "man, he's pretty darn sexy." and yes, i did say the s word. and you turn and look because maybe you might think the same thing too. a boyfriend before New Year's Eve so you will spend your last minutes in one year and your first minutes in the next captured into someone's lips. we all want it. don't deny it. i can't anymore. 

today i caught myself looking around every corner, in the bowling alley with some of my family, looking for cute guys. i found some. i fantasized about it a little. sometimes i'm tired of being single. could time speed up a bit so i can hurry up and find love and get in a white carriage pulled by six horses and ride off into the happily ever after limbo? 

tonight i caught myself staring at pictures from william moseley's twitter. i asked him awhile ago if he could post some candids of himself and friends, so that i'd be able to know it was the real him. he never responded to me, but since then there's been a million photos of him and people that he knows. pictures that wouldn't be posted on the internet by no other outside source, except his own direct friends. lots and lots of girls. throwing themselves at him. ones that he called love. a specific girl in general whom i've familiarized myself with from awhile ago, when he and she were in a relationship... they openly talking about it on twitter. her name is katie. and i don't know if she is his anymore, or if he is hers. 

for some reason, i think i just let it all go for a moment. it's just a crush, jocelyn. he's grown up, he'll get married soon, have kids and live his own life. good for him. you'll move on. and hormones kick in, adrenaline, and tears come. i force myself back into reality. but i swore that i loved him. loved someone that i never even knew. made choices that had the same similarity and they all had the same effect. sadness. wet pillows. a bit of depression, even. 

i like boys. i'm not against relationships. i don't need one to make me happy. but we can't deny that sinking feeling that we get inside.

-kiss kiss kiss, hug pillowpet-

26 comments :

  1. I know what you mean Jocee.
    We are both young, its not like we are even ready for the dating scene yet.
    Great post.
    Beth xx

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  2. lol you sound like me :) I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've wished time would speed up so I can meet my love and "get in a white carriage pulled by six horses and ride off into the happily ever after limbo"

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  3. aww! Jocee! i SO feel your pain, i'm struggling with thatRIGHT NOW, i just wish i coulld feel loved and wanted and needed by a guy but i need to wait patiently! *hugs & prayers* Saff <3

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  4. you poor thing! while a celebrity crush can be harmless, don't let it get you down, dear.
    as for me, i'm trying not to focus on crushes so much until i'm really old enough to get married. somehow, i just feel like the heartbreak of the dating cycle isn't worth it. (but i know it's not the same for everyone.)
    xoxo
    simi

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  5. Same here, Jocee. I feel exactly like you.
    OUR DAY WILL ARRIVE!
    Meanwhile, better alone than in bad company :)

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  6. Don't worry Jocee, we're girls we all go through that stage.
    You'll find someone soon. <3

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  7. I want a boyfriend... secretly. It's just not something that I need right now.

    When the time comes, the time will come, it will probably be when you least expect it.

    And, as far as William goes, I've crushed on my fair share of celebrities. I even got to meet the one that I had a huge ginormous crush on. Hold on to that magic, and mystery. Keep him a fun thing to think about and try not to take it too seriously. I wish someone would have told me that about Alex. He's a great guy, and I love him a lot... but as a good friend that I can go to for advice. We all need a little fun and mystery.

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  8. Oh this was lovely. Very lovely and needed. I feel like some of my friends just deny that we can even have crushes on boys, like it's a totally unnatural part of life... I don't share those views. And I feel just about like you do right now. Lovely post.
    love and hugs,
    Lou

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  9. I agree with Anonymous. Your time will definitely come! But it's better to be alone than in bad company.

    And yeah, I just copied what she/he said because I thought she said it so well that i couldn't think of anything better. great post!

    xoxoxo,
    Jessica
    Diary of a Beautiful Soul

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  10. I've been in the mood lately ever since I realized that I am truely a hopeless romantic a couple of days ago. I'm going to come out right now:
    There is this 7th grader, a grade below me in my drama class and I really like him. I just want to kiss him. so bad.

    I don't need a guy to make me happy, but I want to be in a perfect relationship so bad... but then again, what girl doesn't?

    *sigh* Lovely post, Jocee.

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  11. i was going to leave a comment like mary kate's but then i got distracted by the words "pillow pet" ... :)

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  12. Don't worry Jocee, your guy is out there somewhere, maybe even thinking if he'll ever find a girl. When you get down in the dumps, just think about that special guy that's out there waiting for you! :)

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  13. *sob* yup, pretty much everything exactly. even the pillow pet.

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  14. I immensesly admire and love your honesty, beautiful. I've thought (What seems like endlessly) about romantic relationships-wanting them, not having them, what I believe about them, and etc etc. Personally I advocate for purity until marriage, and it all starts with the mind. But I also believe that "crushes" and longing for these things is perfectly absolutely natural. May HE give you the strength and comfort in Him to not get caught up in the future or the past, but what your life is right now. :) And as all the above comments prove, none of us are alone in this area, and once again, your honesty inspires me and gives me hope that young ladies can be balanced in accepting and realizing what they feel, but knowing it isn't the end all of everything. :)

    <3<3<3
    blessings!

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  15. I love this post! You are a excellent writer, and I love reading your blog. Your honesty inspires me so much. Great job!

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  16. I think everyone has felt this way at some point in their life. :)

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  17. How long did it take for people to really LOVE your blog?

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  18. This post is everything that I needed. Now I'm gonna leave you this long comment... I agree with everything you said. I want to be in a boy's arms with a huge smile on my face when the clock strikes 12 on New Years. I want that boy I can hold hands with when we go somewhere. I wanna have a boy with me period. Sometimes I wish books characters were real. Like How I wish Peeta was real and I was Katness. Or I wish Percy was real and I was annabeth. My love seems to go straight to the books. Sometimes I make up my own dreams and pretend I am one of those lucky girl characters who fall in love, but I have to realize it isn't happening anytime soon unless I let it... but anyways, thanks for this post!

    xoxo,
    dezzy

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  19. I love this! Sounds just like me! This post really helped me realize how I do, truly, feel even if I deny it sometimes. I can deny it no longer.

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  20. Great post. Amen, sister. I guess every girl feels this way at some point; the thing is not to be ruled by your feelings.

    -- Diana

    awesomefowl.blogspot.com

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  21. Wow, I cannot get over how incredibly honest and relate-able this post was. I've felt the exact same way so many times, and (believe it or not) have never been able to put it into words. You are an inspiration, Jocee. ♥ Jesus is leading your Prince Charming on his adventure to find you, I know it. :)

    I know I don't comment here on your blog that often, but you are such a devoted commenter on mine that I'll definitely have to stop by regularly now. Thanks for always brightening my day and being such a huge encouragement to me in your comments. You are truly a gift from God. :)

    xo
    Maria Elyse
    First Impressions
    Flying Ships Vintage

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  22. oh my gosh, I can SO relate! sometimes it gets to me, and while yes, I can live without a boy, sometimes I wish nothing more than to have a boyfriend to love and cuddle... but we're still young. our time will come :)

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  23. Awww this post almost made cry );... I can sooo relate! To all of it! It makes my heart sink everytime I think of the looooowww chance of will eva liking me, but ya know, can't hurt to dream (:.... I wish we could at least be friends!

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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