2.21.2012

i'm coming out {eight} you freaking idiot

{one} {two} {three} {four} {five} {six} {seven}
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i always liked to think of myself as the girl who didn't flirt. when all my friends had drama, i stayed away from it. when i liked boys, i was quiet about it. or so i thought.

i may or may not like this guy named brian. brian may or may not be an adult. only five years or so older than me, but still. i can remember the first time i saw him. he was a little taller than me with these grayish-blue eyes and eyeliner on his lids. he was emo, but he's not anymore. he just likes eyeliner, for reasons that most likely may have to do with green day. my friend thought he was cute. i thought he was bad. and then after church my mom started talking to him and i saw this as my opportunity to jump in. his favorite color is green. his endless pairs of converse never match, and he "claims" his stepdad is the devil. of course, i don't believe him.

and as lucky may have it we were all in a band together. me, him, and the three siblings who knew it all from the start. i thought i was being subtle. but now i realize that my form of subtle meant an earthquake that may or may not shake the entire universe. even the daleks knew.

he disappeared for awhile. a long while. then he came back, with this girl called... i can't remember her name. and it's february 5th, at the superbowl party at the sibling's house, and he comes. and the earthquake shakes the universe. playing around on the couch. lauren telling me to stop in that authoritative voice. just leave it alone. i'm just having fun, even if nothing's going to happen.

and at one point the one who's name is forgotten stares at me like i'm a desperate housewife. almost appalled eyes towards me when she force feeds chocolate cake down his mouth like he's paralyzed. and all the deplorable words in the world can't described the idiocy i felt then.

right. i'm homeschooled. every person i've met thinks i'm a conservative freak who'll marry a red-headed hillbilly and live in the wild blue yonder and keep house like they did on the prairie. and yet just like them, i like boys. i don't deny that i want to be in a relationship. that i have my moments and my crushes and that i daydream more than i care to relay. being teenagers, we can't help it. but i can help myself more than i have been lately.

i had a dream last night. he proposed to me. he, not being brian. and i said: i am hazel grace and you are augustus waters and that's okay because we're infinite. {you'd have to read the fault in our stars to understand.} but at that day when two teams fully of big, sweaty guys and overly-excited adults i called myself a freaking idiot to the point where the words tasted like jumbled mush from a different country.

until i kiss the love of my life at the altar i'm still learning. but it'll be really hard to forgive myself for what i did that day. and it's worse than it sounds.

-kiss kiss kiss, weak knees-

15 comments :

  1. i hate those moments -- those times in your life when you totally act like an idiot, and it stays with you for the rest of your life?? UGH. Unfortunately, I'm a freaking idiot, so I have a lot of them.

    xoxo,
    Jessica @ Diary of a Beautiful Soul

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  2. i understand. i really do. but unfortunately, i have no encouragement or advice to offer. because, well, because i'm still learning too i suppose. :)

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  3. Oh goodness dear, I hate those times too. Those incidents that will always be in the back of your mind, ready to come out and haunt you later. But you have to keep going. Don't beat yourself up for the stupid things you've done because then you won't be able to move on. Prayer is always good too.
    xx

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  4. freaking idiot describes me a lot of the time... I HATE those moments that will always be there, always reminding you of that one time. And how you can't go back and change it. I didn't really like these two boys, but they were boys, and so I was acting a little bit different around them. My mom tutors them in math. I was saying how my mom says that I'm retarded in this dumb logic class I take (because I like to try to make things interesting :P) and then out of the blue, I say, "Oh and my mom says your retarded too." Because a lot of the time they don't try very hard in math and so they get a bad grade. BUT WHY DID I HAVE TO SAY THAT. It was even worse than it sounds... AHHHHHHH. WHY. WHYWHYWHY. I'm normally pretty quiet around other people... but hoo boy, I guess I felt I could just really let 'em have it that day. And it was even worse because I said my MOM said it. Now they probably hate her too. BLEGH. I felt so bad the whole rest of that day. It was horrible. And I still feel bad whenever I think about. Just like a freaking idiot, that's all...

    Anyways. I do dumb things, too. And that was a really long comment. :)

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  5. Hahaha! Your incredibly brave to post about this!
    I've had some a share of those times..
    And since I'm the extreme shy girl who never says anything, its makes these moments 6times worse.
    Like the time I had a crush on a dude (i swore i didn't at the time, but i did) and i wanted to sit in the back seat w/him so i jumped back there, and my brother said move and i, like a little brat, refused, my brother just looked at me like "your in so much trouble" and then sat somewhere else..i was so embarrassed. ugh.
    Freaking idiot.

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  6. idiotic moments, I can totally relate to. there are so many times where I look back and just think... why did I say that? WHY? the only way I make myself feel better is to just stop thinking about it... which doens't always work.
    anyway. like julia said. we all have our moments...

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  7. Oh, I had a horrible "freaking idiot" moment the other day.... The whole time afterwards I was thinking "WHY DID I NOT STOP GIGGLING? I LOOKED LIKE A STUPID, SELF CONSCIOUS GIRL AND IT PROBABLY LOOKED LIKE I LIKE HIM! AND I DON'T LIKE HIM THAT WAY!"

    Like Julia said, I do dumb things, too. And I hate it.

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  8. you are a sweet girl. don't let the world or opinions of others ever make you doubt who you are as an individual. stick to your beliefs and be happy with who you are for being different. your love will find you - you are wonderful!

    xo
    ky

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  9. Every body has those moments! I've had a few including a girl who I thought was guy crazy (she was, but that isn't the point), another girl who happened to like the same guy she did and really embarrassing words said that shouldn't have been. Long story short, people ended up embarrassed and hurt and upset all because every one was being an idiot at the time. The point here is, we all get it, but we're all too afraid to speak up about it because we're afraid of farther embarrassment. Bravo Jocee for "coming out"! :)

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  10. I don't understand this... I've read it like 100 times and I don't.

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    Replies
    1. anon: the post is me talking about a boy that i liked and how i'm mad at myself for acting like an idiot while being around him, and etc. :))

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  11. You can't imagine how much I completely understand that part about how hard it will be for you to forgive yourself. That is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and today I'm struggling with it again. I completely understand your embarrassment- seriously, I've gone so far as to have a secret boyfriend which was one of the heights of idiocy in my life. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Never will be.
    Once again, I just simply MUST say that I admire your startling sharp honesty- it shall bring breakthroughs to you, lovely, it shall.

    much blogger love,
    <3
    blessings!

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  12. And I still think I'm a freaking idiot, but hopefully you'll get over that bit. ;)

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  13. I hate times like that too. I sometimes think about all the silly things i've done or said and i cringe and think why did i do/say that! Big hugs to you

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  14. you completely inspired me to post on a similar topic! These kind of things should be said.... :) Thanks for an amazing post!

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sometimes i do not understand why you guys like me so much, but the fact that you do (and that you keep coming around) makes me happier than you can even imagine.

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