following up.

“Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water. And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but nothing is infinite, not even loss. You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again.” - finn butler

just a small reminder that the people who follow you are sixty-five percent water (the people you sometimes feel obligated to post for are sixty-five percent water), and all the bloggers you love are made of stardust, and i know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply enough to gather all the strength you need to publish that post that matters to you something fierce, and you have cried tears of frustration enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but nothing is infinite, not even your blog. you are made of the sea and the stars and by God's mighty hand, and one day you're going to realize how original you really are. maybe, hopefully, that day will be today.

just following up on yesterday's post.

-kiss kiss kiss, safe haven-

#idowhatiwant (unless my mom says no.)

original photo

so here's the problem with blogging. everyone is trying to find something that is completely unheard of and never before seen to base themselves off of. everyone is trying to be the original that hundreds of bloggers post about on a daily basis. everyone is trying SO hard to be different, a new kind of different that no one else has ever been. and it's not working. what people don't realize (especially now) is nothing new is under the sun. within this century and the century past, everything has been produced in any way, form or fashion. just because someone just started doing it again doesn't mean it's brand new. let me give you a 'for instance': converse rapidly came back in style a few years ago. my grandma was wearing them in the 40's. vinyl albums, skinny jeans, a sudden burst of veganism? it's been done within your life and the lives before you.

so i don't see what the problem is. i don't see why we're trying to be an original that only lies within a virtual space. the internet doesn't exist just as much as it does. and we depend on it so much, maybe too much, to impress others and show them who we are -- or who we'd like to be. in blogging, we can show the [internet] world anyone we'd like to. we can be ourselves or just about anyone else. we don't have to show who we really are, that's our choice. but lately, it's become the trend to start fresh, renew ourselves and our spaces. and unfortunately, we've all be renewing in the exact same way. we all try so hard to be different but end up exactly the same. and the worst part is, the originality we want lies within us. we may have twins, triplets, quintuplets. we may look alike and like the same things, but we are NOT the same person. each of us is unique. we all have a different perspective, even if it's different in the slightest way. we cannot be cloned because our DNA is specific to us, not anyone else. and it is okay to like things that other people like. but that doesn't make us just like them.

which brings me to the inspiration fad. they all tell you not to look to photographers, writers, basic artists for inspiration. they tell you that because they don't want you to directly copy from them. and that is understandable, but you know what? i believe in gathering inspiration. whether it be from pinterest or tumblr or any site, really. if you see it and you like it, there is no reason why you shouldn't do it. but don't do it because someone else did, do it because YOU want to. and i can guarantee that unless you copy and paste, a part of you will be added to what you saw. bloggers (and artists or glorified individuals, really) constantly complain about how everything is starting to blend and look the same. but in reality? they are blending as well, consciously or not. but they have created themselves in such a way that they are molded into a specific formation. and if they stray from that formation, their followers will go find someone else to idolize.

in blogging, we cannot post everything we want to because of the [sub]conscious fear how our readers will perceive it. if they like it, basically. our optimistic nature when it comes to blogging has been frayed because we know HOW to get people to look at what we've taken the time to create. we are put into a box because if we go outside the box, no one will look, no one will care.

grace, you tell me i challenge this thing called blogging. you tell me i challenge and redefine the word 'real.' if you don't mind, i'm going to challenge you right back--do what you want. i don't care who's done it or how long ago they made it live on the internet. if you like it, do it. our blogging ruts have been caused by internet-fast crazes and boycotts of the things we love (because everyone else is doing it). this is a form of peer-pressure, if you think of it. so i'm pressuring you to be original within yourself. someone may replicate what you do, but it will not be exact because of the nature YOU possess. don't take a blogging/internet break if you don't want to. don't quit tumblr or social media because someone else did. it's YOUR blog, it's YOUR space, it's YOUR art. and no one can dictate that for you. so do me a favour, don't tell me you love this. DO NOT TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THIS. tell me why it matters to you, tell me the doubts you've been having about blogging and tell me what you've been hesitant to post lately because of the way you think it'll be received. (tell me about my run-on sentences.) tell me who you want to be seen as, and tell me how you're going to make steps toward becoming the person you are off the internet. just don't tell me you love this. because if you only love this, you've missed the whole point.

-kiss kiss kiss, the night that-

{pea ess: if you want to read more about this topic, here's megan's post, eve's post, and a truthful [albeit hilarious] take on internet breaks.}

reminder.

i just have to remind myself that people act a certain way on the internet and a certain way in real life. they may not notice these differences, i may not notice these differences--like those pictures that aren't exactly alike--and you may not notice these differences. i'm trying to break that barrier, that fourth wall, as best i can, to give you a sense of who i am beyond holographs and photos and words. but for those who are aware of those differences, for those who have trouble breaking and balancing, i have to remember to be open-minded; to be gracious, because there is always more depth than what meets the eye. and one of the worst things man is known for is judging a book by its cover.

-kiss kiss kiss, love don't fade away-
{pea ess: i promise. something interesting is coming soon. maybe even a post about him.}

just do it.

original photo 

“the advice I like to give young artists, or really anybody who’ll listen to me, is not to wait around for inspiration. inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up & get to work. if you wait around for the clouds to part & a bolt of lightning to strike you in the brain, you are not going to make an awful lot of work. all the best ideas come out of the process; they come out of the work itself. things occur to you." ~ chuck close

i would get really philosophical and deep and talk about how you should just go to what you want to do without any pretense of ideas or plans or anything because you are your own limit and you are in control of you and you can let yourself be inspired or simply wait and watch people do fantastical things while you rub your temples and say "why didn't i think of that?" and let yourself fall prisoner to an infinite loophole of "this isn't good enough because someone else has already done it," but you shouldn't feel like that because if you want to do it just do it; but i won't talk about any of that because frankly, i don't feel like it. and i don't feel like i have to say anything deep or philosophical. it doesn't have to be mind-blowing to be good. it just has to be you. i read somewhere that you should do what you love and love what you do. and that's what i'm doing.

because as of right now, i have fired mr. inspiration. #idowhatiwant #joceeswag

-kiss kiss kiss, and none for gretchen weiners-
{pea ess: found this quote on hannah nicole's 2013 pinterest board.
and i didn't want to improperly credit the photo on the pin, so i made my own.}

cupcakeing, v.9

i'm sorry i haven't had much to say here in the past few days. it's been hard, you know? sometimes, blogging is hard. sometimes i don't have anything to say. but sometimes i say something anyway, because the lack of posts just gets to me some days. there's been an abundance of serious posts on the blog as of late, and i want to do something a bit light-hearted, but i still have some pretty serious things to say. and that's partly what's conflicting me. i want to say happy things but i can't think of any. and maybe that's alright. right now, some things are happening in my personal life that are hurting me very much. and i don't know what to do. but the thing is, when something happens (something not good), i kind of hold onto it. i carry it around with me. and it is a burden. it's a real pain in the royal asgardian and i can't stand it. but sometimes, it's hard to let go. and even if i do let go, sometimes i get sucked in again. so i'm learning (like i'd learned so long ago) to cast my burdens on the Lord. i mean, He died so that we would be okay. so we wouldn't have to hurt. so why the heck am i carrying this thing around? sigh. 

so, about this cupcake: jasmine actually got me cupcakes for my birthday. like, seriously, no joke. and they smell like cinnamon and taste like cinnamon-french-toast-vanilla-coffe-cupcake-whatever. basically, it's really good. 

and they photograph really well. also i love making gifs.

{pea ess: i'm going to make some vlogs soon. they're both really important. so, stay tuned.}

{pea pea ess: i wrote a song about instagram. lookit.}

on being intentional.

tom hiddleston so eloquently stated that if you have something to say, say it from the rooftops. sometimes, i like to think of blogging as my rooftop. and i know a lot of other people do, too. in fact, these are a few rooftops that i've been sitting on lately [that sounded so weird]: tim's, madison's, hannah's, emma's, libby's, lillian's, etc. for these people specifically, they pour out their hearts to us, with words/photos/etc, and honestly? we don't give as much back. i scroll through the comments seeing 'yes yes yes. i love this.' or 'beautiful, this is just spectacular' or something to that effect, and i admit that i am guilty of doing it. it's just that after awhile, i start running on automatic. 

after awhile, i start to forget about being intentional.

sometimes, i even start skimming through posts and write a comment based upon what i hear other people say, so that they'll don't know. sometimes i just look at the pictures and just imagine what they're going to say after that. but today, i thought about what if you guys (and i'm sure you have at some point) skimmed through my posts. how would i feel if you partially got what i had to say? that's like starting a rooftop and not finishing it. that's like climbing to the ledge and not getting to the peak. so i decided to stop sitting on the ledge of your rooftop and finishing what i started. i stopped writing comments on automatic that i thought would make you happy until you wrote your next post. and one of the things i stopped doing is using the word "love."

it's really hard at first, because if you think about it, saying 'yes yes yes. i love this,' only takes about 5 seconds out of your day. it's easy and it's simple and it helps you move on to the next thing. but is that what you really thought? or is that what everyone else thought? sometimes it's hard to pour my heart back out to the person who poured out theirs, but there are alternatives. there are ways to say what you think. don't be afraid to speak out.

so, please don't tell me you love this post. i mean, yes yes yes, i'm sure you love it, but what do you really think? how does this make you feel? does it resonate with you? what is your heart saying? it's funny, all of those cliches. 'listen to your heart!' and 'it's not about the looks' have been thrown around so much that when you hear them, you roll your eyes and go on about your life. but if you really think about it, it's true. we've been doing our best not to listen to the cliches. not to listen to your heart, or yourself. and it's gotten us in a heap of trouble or made us wish we'd said all we had to say. so be a cliche today. listen to yourself. what are you saying?

tell me what you're saying. i admit, that being intentional is a lot harder. it takes a lot of my time. but what are we if we don't at least give back the time that the (in this case) blog author gave us? i admit, sometimes it's gotten hard and i gave up and wrote comments the way i used to. and sometimes, i haven't commented at all because there was nothing that i really, really had to say. so tell me what you have to say. and if you don't have anything to say, that's okay, too.

-kiss kiss kiss, any rose that smells as sweet-

let's take a pause.

abby commented on my next to last post and said something that was so relevant and i think you all need to read it:

Constructive criticism may not be meant to be put in a way that makes the receiver of it feel bad, but sometimes that's what happens. That's why you have to be extremely careful with your words, that's when holding your tongue on some things comes in, and you have to let it go. I think constructive criticism is great! But when given the wrong way, it does absolutely nothing to construct, and instead demolishes.

I see nothing wrong with your photos - I see the blur as intended, I see the grain as your own style. Maybe they're not some other popular blogger's photos, but they're yours, Jocee, and they're unique in the best way possible, and they're special, and they're beautiful.

Why anonymous always strikes at you I don't know. But hold your head up, dear, because not everyone is going to like everything you do, and that's no reason at all to quit. :-)

i'm just going to shut up and let this sink in, because i think i, and everyone, should let the quiet put things where they need to be [credit: perks of being a wallflower]. on a different note, i found a pinecone at school the other day and i'm playing around with this tutorial. but more on that later. and now, back to your regularly scheduled posting. 

-kiss kiss kiss, it's easier to pine-

steal away.

Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery - celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: 'It’s not where you take things from - it’s where you take them to.' — Jim Jarmusch

the reason i really like this quote is because it's true. and i think that we, as bloggers, sometimes do things based upon the response that other people got when they did them. i think sometimes we do things for words of praise, the 'oh my gosh, this is brilliant!' and the 'love love love this' sort of comments, and not for ourselves. the thing is, we should blog entirely for others personal pleasure, we should also blog for ourselves. if we blogged for others, how many times would we change our design, our blog name, our faith, and our goals and our dreams? who would we be doing this for? it may [sometimes] get us the response we've been aiming for, but in the end, are we really happy? like, really, and truly? do you feel like you've accomplished something for yourself?

i dare you to take jim's words to heart when you blog next. especially follow this: "select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul." but don't forget to credit back to where you got it so you can show what you've brought to it. and you know, if you like, you can show me what you've done. but don't do it for me, do it for you. especially for you.

incidentally, the plant above is something that my sister was given a long time ago. it was vibrant and green at first, but if you know my family, you'd know that we're not the best at keeping up with plants. and yet, after some chiding from a friend [or relative, i can't remember], joy's been watering it everyday, and the leaves are growing again, and it looks rather nice on the windowsill. so even though she faltered at caring for it at first, she's been diligent at it, and look at it now! it's really not what you take away, it's what you give. so, sew your seed and reap your harvest. and then you can invite me over for dinner. 

-kiss kiss kiss, flushed away-

{pea ess: don't judge me, it looked better in black and white. #dealwithit}

teneleventwelve and i have an idea.

this has been on my heart for awhile.

photo by kinga.

we're influenced by what we see more than we think we are. if you see someone wearing 3D glasses and it looks cool, then you might start wearing 3D glasses. and someone's listening to a popular new album or artist, then you might start listening to the same music as they are. if you look on the cover of a magazine and see a girl, not much older than you, with enlarged breasts and prominent cheekbones and full, red lips, then you'll get it in our head that that's how you're supposed to look, so you'll do everything to can to make sure you look like that.

no, sweetheart. no. don't do that. society thinks that nowadays, you have to be blonde-haired and blue-eyed, under 120 pounds, barely dressed to be beautiful. they think that anything over size 6 is plus-sized, anyone single is a loser, and that eating disorders are worth it because then you'll have that body you've always wanted.

if these things are true, then i, 5'10" and 200 pounds (of muscle), am morbidly obese. but this isn't true. i mean, yeah, i look in the mirror almost everyday with a look of disgust on my face because my stomach isn't flat, my thighs have touched for as long as i can remember, and my hands are too big and so on. but that's the thing. we turn to the mirror and trust them to show us that girl from seventeen magazine, but we always end up looking at ourselves.

but what's so bad about that? what makes us ineligible of beauty? nothing! that's exactly it. and we shouldn't let these "fashion" magazines or overly-dramatic teen sitcoms dictate to us who we are. there's an article in this month's issue of austin woman magazine by robyn silverman, that says "only 5 percent of girls naturally possess the coveted ail-thin body type so often depicted in fashion spreads and advertisements." so should we berate ourselves, the 95 percent, for the body that is unique and custom-fit for all of us?

robyn said only 5 percent of girls naturally possess that thin body type. naturally. the girls use see on those magazines that fill shelves all across the world? you can't possibly think that the photos they're in aren't edited. go ahead. look online. if you look at the before and after photos for fashion magazines, the difference is mind-blowing. when i first saw them, i said to myself, "she looks like me. she looks like me. the girl in forever21 looks different from the girl i see right here, right now. she has freckles and moles on her face. her hair isn't perfectly coloured and waist isn't as small as it appears to be in the retail store. there's finally something between us that is similar!"

so the purpose of this post? i dare you. you know those fashion magazines you see in the aisles of wal-mart? the ones that mock you and laugh at you because you can never live up to your standards? i dare them to post an issue where none of the models are retouched. none of their body parts are edited, and if anything is edited, it's to boost the overall quality of the photo. not the person in it. so spread the word. facebook, twitter, tumblr, any media that might catch someone's eye. i want them to know that i exist. i'm not perfect, i'm not even close. but i don't edit myself so i can give the illusion that i am perfect. 

i don't know what's going to become of this, but i only have high hopes. and for the record, you're beautiful. maybe the next time you look at yourself in the mirror, you'll look at your inside and not your outside. and maybe, just maybe, you'll like what you see. 

-kiss kiss kiss, stand a little taller-

spontaneity.

[insert awkward and random film photo here]

i was supposed to write this post the day my new design got installed, but obviously that didn't happen, so here it is now. maybe i've kept you in the dark for awhile, or maybe i forgot about it altogether, but the new design was supposed to be the start of a relaunch of sorts, a new branding. i don't know. something like that.

it had been going around the blogger-sphere for quite awhile now: branding and rebranding. i'd tried it before, but i wasn't very serious, so i let it go until i realised what branding really was. it was defining you, what you wanted to do, and it was labeling your work. so when gracie and i started talking about the new design, i got into it, for real this time. there were so many categories and options and colour palettes to choose from and such. but when it came to categories, i was stuck. was i a lifestyle blogger or a foodie, or a fashion blogger, or a photographer? i know my blog isn't primarily any of these, and when i tried on each category for size, i felt confined. in a box. i realised that if [insert category here] was the label i chose, i could be compelled to keep to that label. and in a way, it stifled my creativity.

so, i decided i would create my own category.

spontaneous |spänˈtānēəs|
adjective
performed or occurring as a result of a sudden inner impulse or inclination and without premeditation or external stimulus: the audience broke into spontaneous applause | a spontaneous display of affection.
• (of a person) having an open, natural, and uninhibited manner.
• (of a process or event) occurring without apparent external cause
spontaneously, spontaneity. via apple dictionary

after awhile, routine tends to get boring for me. even though i do certain series' of posts, i don't have a specific day that i want/have to do them in. so routine; i just threw it out the window and decided to write whatever came. and if nothing came, i was disappointed, but at the same time, i'm at liberty to do whatever i want to do. same goes with photography. i'm not a lifestyle photographer, a portrait photographer or a wedding photographer, i'm a spontaneous photographer. i capture whatever calls to me, whatever stands out. and with everything i do, that's the way i always want it to be.

what about you? have you branded/rebranded?

-kiss kiss kiss, ice ice baby-

{pea ess: i ate cupcakes yesterday. yes, post on that is coming soon.}

{pea pea ess: a cold front has swept over texas. it's in the 80's. this is how it should feel all year round. am i right? loving it.}

don't let them get you down.

i was very uncomfortable with writing this post. i fought with myself using stupid subjects like, but they're not all going to agree and i won't say what i want to say correctly; i might come off differently than i'd hoped. but then i realized, if i didn't write it, i may not be able to encourage that person who may of really needed this right now. it may not make another feel better, because they're experiencing the same thing. so regardless of my petty fears, i'm writing it. no matter what the outcome.

in your life as a blogger, you are likely to receive a question or comment that isn't exactly pleasing to read. it's not always the case, and i hope for you it's not, but rather lately, it has been for me on a few of the social media sites i have accounts with. the things that are said seem to interrogate, to discourage, to make me feel inadequate. and while i respond to them, after sometime, they start to get to me.

don't take a photo of this because it won't be considered real photography. don't reply to this tweet because then you'll seem a bit clingy. you can't post about that, she already did. and so on. the truth is: sticks and stones can break my bones, and words can hurt me, too. if the stick is the size of the hometree in Avatar, your bones will be powder. if the stone strongly resembles that of mount everest, you're a flapjack with extra sugar on top. and words can hurt just as much.

we're all influenced by what we see. what we hear. it can be for good in some cases, and in others, it can't. and as much as i hate to admit it, some of these things have influenced me. they've messed with my insides, twisting my mind into a knot that's hard to get out of. it pains me to see nameless, faceless people going from website to website finding something negative in a person's work. i don't know why they do it, and i'm not going to try and figure it out. but there is a point where enough is enough, and those thoughts that have been scrolling through my mind; it's enough.

so i'm writing this to say, darling, don't let them get you down. don't dwell on what they have to say and don't conform to their way of thinking. my mother once told me to let it roll of your back; like a duck, like a duck. because a duck's skin is so oily, the water that get's on them just rolls off without penetration. as they say: haters gonna hate. but you do what you want to do. even if the world doesn't collectively enjoy it.

so if you're receiving these derogatory attitudes, just know: that you don't have to respond. not for your honor, not for someone else's. the delete button is there, and not everyone has to see the garbage that someone is trying to dump on your doorstep. they may think that they won, but you know what? people can think whatever they want to. but we won't dare let them get us down. 

-kiss kiss kiss, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger-

{pea ess: off to camp for the week. i shall return on sunday! in the meantime, enjoy the posts i've scheduled for you.}

i should be at camp but i'm posting instead.

{breaking the rules of posting once a day, even if anna did for me.} 

for the past week, i've been in the middle of nowhere, scooping over one hundreds gallons's worth of ice cream for overly-excited children and getting undignified for Jesus Christ. due to changed term dates, though, i'm home for a week, and then it's back to camp again on monday. and get this: fireflight's coming. so obviously i'm a little bit excited.

when i got home, i did the usual. drank a glass of water; put my suitcases upstairs; read all of the blog posts i missed. and then i saw it. four hundred and four. such a funny number that i'm not even close to getting used to; almost like a cupcake just begging for you to eat it. to take that first impulsive lick of the icing and just sink your teeth into the fluffy sweet goodness.

i mean, goodness goshbubbles. that's a lot. a lot of you guys. a lot of cupcake-lovers and goshbubbles-users, and i love each and every one of you. i posted a thank you note before, and i'm doing it again, because without all of you, i probably would've long since deleted this blog.

so now, it's late at night, i've endured my mother screaming over various olympic athletes, eaten a box of blackberries, taken self-portraits of myself in the fading golden hour, and video-taped my parents for america's funniest home videos {yolo, maybe?}. thank you all. so. so much.

-kiss kiss kiss, sherlock-

{pea ess: so, hey. one of my old swim-mates? yeah. her name is micah lawrence. and she's going to the olympics. pretty cool, don't you think?}

{pea pea ess: one of my best friends, audrey, is currently in the hospital for appendicitis and a cyst. she had surgery this morning and is due to be released tomorrow. please lift her and her family up in prayer, as they all need it. i'll be visiting her tuesday!}
{pea pea pea ess: still having my guest posters post this week, and i'll schedule posts for next week. nice to have a break, yeah? yeah.}

a short note on a semi-cloudy thursday.

i was going to do a vlog for this, but then i ran out of time/couldn't really work up the nerve {because quite honestly i'm rather nervous about doing a vlog}, and i'm not at home right now so i can't make you guys one considering i barely know how to use pc's anymore, so i'm just going to write it. 

so. hi. i don't say this enough, but i just wanted to say how truly i blessed i am to have all of you. there's three hundred ninety-six of you all, which is seven hundred ninety-two cupcakes {assuming you like to have more than one}, and i swear, i didn't expect you all to... like me so much. i mean, let's be serious. i'm a city girl in texas who has a rather obnoxious love for cupcakes, a fleeting span of celebrity crushes that i don't care to admit, and a life that's not the most interesting to be published. i don't even know what i said that made you all start coming, but i'm happy you came, because while most bloggers are saying that "it's not about the followers it's not about the followers," i get a little giddy when the number jumps. when i get an extra kind note on a certain post. it's like you're in a marathon and you're one of the last people to finish and you think you're doing really crappy and pitiful, and everyone else who has finished comes back and takes your hands and helps you cross the finish line. it's like we're joining hands and i'm not doing this alone.

and blogging has been a real journey for me. i'm getting sort of sentimental, and this isn't going to lead to my saying i'm going to quit blogging, but goshbubbles. if it weren't for this, if it weren't for bleah giving me that extra push, i wouldn't know so much about writing. i wouldn't know tumblr existed. or audrey. or tom hiddleston. i'd just be the girl whose friends unknowingly ridiculed her for her race, for her gender, and i wouldn't know how to take it because i can't explain myself in real words the way i can in writing. okay, i'm getting teary-eyed now.

i don't want to make this into a nobel prize speech, so basically what i'm saying is: you guys are legit special to me. like my actual friends. i've clicked on all of your profiles and blogs {or at least tried to, anyway} and savored your comments and questions, and in a way, you're better friends to me than even my real life friends are. they suck sometimes.

being a teenager, i've been going through issues. and sometimes stopping and writing up a post or taking pictures or whatever... it helps. y'all help. and oh my goshbubbles on pumpernickel, i want to hug all of you. so there. i'm crying now. going to eat an oreo because grandma has no cupcakes. 

-kiss kiss kiss, and he shall be my squishy-

{pea ess: like my starfish? me too. it's cute. even if it's not pink and from finding nemo.}

finding your niche.

since this post, i've been rethinking blogging. since before this post, i've been rethinking blogging. i don't know if you've noticed i haven't been blogging nearly as much as i used to. the time that i could've spent blogging, i spent writing countless drafts of posts that didn't even fit the type of person i was. so yeah, inspiration was lacking. but while it was lacking, i was exploring.

as you might know, i'm updating my faq. someone asked me why i blogged. i wrote a post about it some time ago, but now, i realize i don't rightly know why i blog. i mean, yes: i blog because here i can be myself. but myself? the blogging world is constantly changing, and i find i'm sort of changing with it, and i don't exactly know who i am anymore.

let's think about it for a moment: when i first started blogging, i wasn't into photography. i wasn't into fashion. i liked it, but i wasn't constantly dressing up to go to walmart or anything. i didn't know hipsters existed. but as i expanded my reading list, i realized everyone else was. and that to be really successful like them, well, when in rome you do as the romans.

let's look at me today, shall we? just got her first dslr. has a mac. overdresses for everything and wannabe crafts like crazy. this isn't me. the mac is, actually {extenuating circumstances}, but everything else came with the desire to fit in. to be noticed. i've actually bought something from antropologie. last year i didn't even know what that was. this isn't my niche. i want it to be, but this isn't naturally who i am.

my niche is honesty. my niche is finding people like me and saying all the things i wish i could say for real and actually be understood. this is the thing that i'm comfortable with. the thing i've realized i'm pretty good at. if i'm allowed to say so.

so, i'm not going to give up all those other things. i still like photography. i like exploring my options on what i can wear. i like creating new things. but i'm not going to give up who i really am. and besides that, i'm not really into the whole hipster-guys-with-Bible-beards-thing. not cool.

have you realized your niche yet?
-kiss kiss kiss, think think think-

quality || quantity

i've been contemplating this for awhile now. have you noticed? i haven't been posting as often as i usually do. my variety of topics seems to be lagging and it won't seem to catch up with today's thoughts. quite frankly, i've been thinking of taking a blog break, because i feel so dry that it seems as though the most barren desert on earth has suddenly become niagara falls. i don't like feeling like this, and i want it to stop. but i can't find any other way to stop it.

i seem to use the same old photos, do the same old things. i can't seem to surprise myself.

quality |ˈkwälətē| noun ( pl. qualities ) 

1 the standard of something as measured against other things of a similar kind; the degree of excellence of something: an improvement in product quality | people today enjoy a better quality of life.

• general excellence of standard or level: a masterpiece for connoisseurs of quality | [ as modifier ] : a wide choice of quality beers. from the apple dictionary

quantity |ˈkwäntətē|

noun ( pl. quantities )

1 the amount or number of a material or immaterial thing not usually estimated by spatial measurement: the quantity and quality of the fruit can be controlled | note down the sizes, colors, and quantities that you require.

• a certain, usually specified, amount or number of something: a small quantity of food | if taken in large quantities, the drug can result in liver failure.

• (often quantities) a considerable number or amount of something: she was able to drink quantities of beer without degenerating into giggles | many people like to buy in quantity. from the apple dictionary

shorter posts, less meaning and more space-fillers. a way of keeping time. the quality of your posts is what shapes your blog, and lately, i do believe that the shape of cupcake dictionary has been differentiating. quantity has a different standard with different people, and for the most part, i do enjoy my posts to be longer in length. but i realize that the only reason i enjoy this is to put myself at ease.

i'm almost afraid of taking a blog break. because when i don't do something on blogger it seems like the world slows down, and it won't speed up unless i write something to keep it's time. but this isn't why i blog. and i need to change my perspective. i don't think i'm making much sense right now. this is the first time in a long time that i'm having trouble with the words i want to say.

from now on, i do not want to blog so much for quantity, but i want to focus on the quality of what i write. and i want it to resonate in you as you read it. at the moment, i won't be taking a blog break, however, i will be taking more time to understand what i want to write about. and while i do that, i'll be sure to incorporate some cupcakes. because i know i haven't told you all my cupcake tales as of late.

for now, please, bear with me. i hope my antics have made sense to you. 

-kiss kiss kiss, ferme la bouche!-

{pea ess: now would be a good time as well, to guest post. i haven't done that in awhile.}

is it christmas today?

yes, joy. it is christmas today. and this proves it. >>click<<

right now, aunt mary and uncle q and joy are playing "spot it". uncle q just won; grandma and grandaddy and mommy are watching football {Lord have mercy on them, for they know not what they do}, and i am currently convincing daddy to try some of grandma's sweet potato pie. score.

this Christmas was quite different from the others. i didn't get as many presents as usual, and yet i received so much that i don't know what what to do with it all. we didn't get much sunshine, and it in fact rained this morning. but Christmas is so much more than the weather, and we don't get any snow, anyway, darn you texas.

each present was taken into very much consideration. a black "q" for my uncle q, because for him black is the new everything. a jewelry box for aunt mary, hand painted with flowers and various designs. a feather painting for grandma, also handmade, and for both grandma + grandaddy, a cd of the music score i entered into the texas young composer's competition + a note on how i got my inspiration + a copy of the sheet music + the letter with the results. and speaking of the results, i was one of the winners {GUSH}. merry christmas to me.

i received fuzzy socks + smell-good foot lotion, a photo album full of the photos from my california trip, a palm tree necklace + california state ornament, a metronome, and lots of hugs and kisses.

speaking of metronomes, i serenaded my family with a mini-piano recital. somewhere in my memory, o christmas tree, and princess leia's theme from star wars. aunt mary and i have treated ourselves to apple pie and crab cakes, in that order, yet spaced apart. there are mason jars filled with cran~apple juice and and i'm wishing it was pomegranate juice. i'm feeling creative and i think i'm going to jot down some ideas in my new novel idea, which happens to be romance. i had a dream last night that william moseley gave me a christmas kiss as my present, and that he'd let me kiss him anytime that day. i'm going to kiss him when we're both quite alone, so sometime in the next 57min. until next time:

-kiss kiss kiss, hug crab apples-
{pee ess: if you're wondering, all the photos were taken with my aunt + uncle's canon rebel t2i.}
{pee pee ess: and if you didn't know this, my aunt has won a primetime emmy. you know project runway? she edited it. oh yes she did.}

quite thankful

quite thankful for:

brownies + ice cream + watching the biggest loser with mommy

little sister asking how to wear a wedding veil

oversized sunglasses

fresh pineapple

dempsey, my stuffed dog

notebooks
waffles + sausage + warm syrup + orange juice for breakfast
tea
this person, this person, and this person
mint blue skies
the word "tweet"
Christmas trees at the grocery store
Thanksgiving menu planning
grandma sugar {arriving today at 3pm}
pillow pets
movie soundtracks {this one and this one}
this song, and this song
ted dekker
the color yellow
new story ideas
impromptu karaoke sessions
the word "fernweh"
leading a simple life
talking to God in the dark
moonlight
audrey
pajama pants
turkey sandwiches
the word "amen"
you.

originally hannah, adapted by me.
have a lovely day, beautifuls. seriously. you're all so gorgeous that i don't know what to do. amen.
-kiss kiss kiss, hug a curtain rod-
{pee ess: i redid my faq page. lookit. 

200

{i was going to post this thursday, but i decided to just go ahead and do it today.}

or should i say 230.
this post is so overdue that i should be banned from eating cupcakes for a day, but then i would die. not cool. i've been writing on this blog for about ten months, and it's remarkable how many of you have tagged along for the ride.

to me, it's a process to start a blog. you brainstorm about the name, posts, main reason for your blog, and then you start it, and things may go swimmingly, or you might be in a place you didn't expect to be. so, you need some advice. you go blog browsing, and you see what all the big popular blogs do. great blog design, simple, yet serene posts, but you don't have any idea that so many people would find you interesting. because, in my mind, i think this was something i did for myself.

but now, after 265 days, 369 posts, 2118 comments, and 40, 497 views. wait. what? whoa. shut the front door. anyway, i think this is something that you guys can relate to, since so many of you have committed to reading about my uppie-and-downie life, filled with cupcakes and peter pevensies, and trials and tribulations of wanting a fairly decent camera.

so, to all of you, i give 230 from-the-bottom-of-my-heart thank you's, and 690 cupcakes so each of you guys can have three. or you can always have 1,380 mini-cupcakes so each of you can have six. i don't know, whatever you guys decide.

so, i'll leave you guys with this:

these look absolutely adorlable. did i just put another L in adorable? oh. okay. that's cool.
hello, my name is jocelyn, and i think i just invented a new word :D this calls for more cupcakes. and a kiss from my husband. 


-kiss kiss kiss, hug charlie brown- {i think he needs a hug}
{pee ess: photo challenge is going to start tomorrow. i forgot to clarify that. oops.}

expanding

i wasn't about to forget and do an as-if-none-of-this-ever-happened post after yesterday's post. 

so, today i kind of want to expand on what i said yesterday, kind of set some things straight. 

first, thank you guys for your feedback. i know i wasn't the only person who felt this way, and to be honest when i pressed the publish button i was about to delete the post and forget about the whole thing. last night i even succumbed to tears, but let's not get into that. 

katie said: I think you have to look at it this way: they are people too. I'm close friends with several of the girls you mentioned, and life is not always happy and easy for them. For instance, Hannah's younger brother has struggled with a lot of things in his tiny life, and that's been hard on her. I don't know, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. I know I've struggled with the whole blogger jealousy thing before, so...I don't know. It's just that it's not that "everything they had seemed to be perfect." Okay, it may seem perfect, but it's not. I think it helps to keep that in mind. 

well, katie, i understand what you mean. i guess you could say that before i thought of them as "robots who sucked the life out of every blogger's fun" and now that i do see them as people again, i understand that they do go through some terrible things. that's why i wrote this apology. to come clean to them, and to myself.

and last night, i even asked carlotta to read it. i don't know whether to just feel stupid or drop off the face of the earth. it doesn't matter to me whether she comments or not, i just want to know that she was here, and that she forgives me, you know? all of them, for that matter. the worst thing that could happen would be her saying "no" or hating me for the rest of my life. 

but then again, i did apologize, and, i suppose, that's all that matters.
-kiss kiss kiss, hug industrial sized pastry cream-
{pee ess:}

{me = dying for some coffee.}

an apology

i don't really know to go about saying this.
people admire me for my honesty. and, this is one of those cases where i need to be honest. so honest, i'm almost afraid to do this. but it's something...that i need to do.

i remember when i first started blogging. i knew nothing about html's, and my posts where random and meaningless. i thought i was doing well, staying with this blog and all, until i saw some of the really popular blogs and realized i wasn't doing as much as i could've. i wanted the followers like they had, the comments, the photos, the life.

everything they had seemed to be perfect. their clothes. their families. everything seemed to be going right for them, and here i am, on the other side, just trying to make ends meet. and i realize that i'm becoming that onion libby posted about. i'm becoming that knobby part of the onion that no one's supposed to see. i see their blogs, i see the blogs they follow. they're all apart of the same pattern. they love vintage, they do their own photography, they've traveled the world. and i think to myself: why can't that be me? why can't i be one of them? if i was...maybe...maybe i'd be as popular as they are.

and i saw that i was being selfish. i made the blog look like...the perfect creme brûlée. when on the inside, i was becoming as bitter at that onion. i wanted to be like them so much that...i kind of lost track of who i was. of course i followed their blogs, i commented, and i said kind, encouraging words. but i never meant it. it almost seemed like i was fading into an anonymous wannabe.

i almost blamed them. i don't even know the reason. i thought that maybe if i excelled at what i did i'd surpass them and they'd be nothing anymore. i can't believe i'm telling you guys this, but, i've been dealing with things that weren't of me. the thoughts that came into my head weren't who i was. and i wanted to stop it, so i did.

and so...as awkward as this is, i want to say to carlotta, abbey, olivia, hannah...all of you guys, that i am so, so sorry, from the very bottom of my heart. i wasn't being the happy-go-lucky person i wanted to be, because i wasn't thankful for what i had. i don't have a dslr camera, my baking is rather drastic, and the closest i've been to getting out of the U.S. is probably the Gulf of Mexico. i hate nutella, and i can't find a single pair of oxfords in my size.

so, i was wondering if we could all start over? ironic, sara beth left a comment that said "i love how you can type those things up, but the people they are for never end up reading them!" well, in this case, i really, really hope you guys read it. and after this i don't even have the guts to ask you. because even though you probably have nary-a-clue who i am, and i don't know if you'll ever know, i need to apologize, and i need to throw that knobby little onion bit away, because that's not who i am.

um, hi, my name is jocelyn, i'm fourteen years old and i did what i had to do. and this probably isn't going to make it all better, but at least i did it.

and also i think these cupcakes look really good. 
-kiss kiss kiss, hug a bejeweled football-