chilled, sweet and smooth.

"things that say a lot about people: the way in which they treat the waiter/waitress; how they feel about the weather; whether they dog ear pages or highlight in books; fingernails and hands in general; their preferred creative outlet; how much they dread/enjoy talking on the phone; whether or not they drink coffee; if they ever forget to eat; how honest they are with themselves (and others); if they correct your grammar; and whether or not they get nervous before haircuts." via

i. sometimes, the saddest people are the kindest. and i like treating people the way i wish they would treat me.

ii. it was overcast this morning, the kind that told you it rained and the kind that made you wonder when it did. and that said it was going to be a good day, because i am particularly hopeful about non-sunny days. they highlight the possibility that i may be able to do something that makes me feel like i'm alive.

iii. i only started dog-earing and underlining a little before you did. and i think the first book i did that in is perks. if not perks, then tfios. and letting people borrow that book was like letting people borrow my insides. each time the book is given back to me, some of my insides are missing from before. but i do not mind, because if i let them dog-ear in it as well, their insides become a part of me, too.

iv. one time, i dug into my fingers so hard i made them bleed. dirt is not an option for me, and i've caught my piano teachers staring as i practiced phrases. but hands are a thing of beauty for me. they're made to get dirty but i prefer them clean. i like prominence, i love to see veins at work (typing, ballet, playing the piano) - especially with the young. hands are made to do something, and i like seeing them do.

v. leave me alone unless i love you. and if you love me, you will leave me alone.

vi. there is a silent conversation i have with myself when the phone is ringing. please answer. don't tell me it's a bad time. laugh, smile. make me feel like i'm worth the minutes. because too many times, the voicemail isn't a real person, and even if it is your voice, it doesn't feel the same.

vii. twice every two months, for my money's sake. sweet, warm, creamy. i'll take hot chocolate, even in the summer. on the rare occasion that it is inverted, i like chilled, sweet, and smooth.

viii. breakfast on saturdays. lunch on busy weekdays. sometimes i have to set an alarm, or ask my sister to come bug me about it. sometimes i think that in the event of fast-paced timeframe, i would forget to eat altogether. maybe that's why it's so important that i do eat. so i can slow it down; bring it home; adjust (take it all).

ix. i can lie to myself enough times that i will believe it is the truth (that doesn't mean i do; i have), but i can never lie to you. words fall through me / and always fool me / and i can't react ...  falling slowly / eyes that know me / and i can't go back.

x. if i don't know you, it may slip out. if i do know you, i will correct you knowingly. but if you love me, you will understand. (and chances are, if i know you, i'll love you.)

xi. it's usually over before i know it.

i've decided to go through my drafts and get them all published, so they're out there, and i can start afresh without so much buildup weighing me down. i wrote this in the summer of 2013, i think.

- kiss kiss kiss, dreaming of the green-

sans titre.

i am rarely asked how i feel. most of the time, it's better that way. but the one time you do, i will likely respond with music. for joyousness: anna sun - walk the moon; for empathy: adagio for strings - barber; for ambivalence: timshel (cover) - kina grannis; for notions of love: eyes closed - the narrative; for wistfulness: the violet hour - the civil wars; for forgiveness: the chain - ingrid michaelson; for studiousness: venetian boat song, op.1 - mendolssohn, and so on. it's not that i cannot convey my feelings with my own words, but there's a magic in the way someone else can spin them about and turn them into something poetic as well as true. lyrics or not, i speak through melodies, breathe through time signatures. my heart is a drum that chimes and rumbles, my mind is a baton that either softly lilts up and down or sprints about in a mad frenzy. i am the product of late night improvisations, i am the orchestrations of grandeur. and honestly, i wouldn't have it any other way.

-kiss kiss kiss, do you hear the people sing-

the forgotten frames || february.

i. the beginnings of strawberry shortcake.

ii + iii. s'mores and the fire that created said s'mores at this year's super bowl party.

iv. reading in a messy room.

v. what i like to think are holly berries at the park.

vi. converse.

vii. almost-spring bokeh.

viii. me, with sleep in my eye and cookie crumbs at the top of my lip.

i decided that in an effort to write a real and true yearly reflection post, i'm going to write down a few things that happened each month that are worth remembering as i look back from what is now the future to find out how much i have grown. since i didn't do the same in january, i'll include that, too. 

january :: held realisation and excitement, new novel endeavors and unexpected good days. school started again and so did what have now become traditions that occur every semester. and in the personal part of my life that i haven't gotten the courage to talk about on c.d. yet, i did better than i thought i would. i kept it together and i am proud of myself. it was a good start to what will be a good year, even though i thought it would be the complete opposite.

february :: too short for my taste. abrupt starts and stops on said january novels and confessions made on sugar-highs from dozens of s'mores i don't remember eating. disappointing changes of plans and afternoons that still make me blush as well as a rose from daddy on valentines' day (yellow, my favourite colour). sudden heart-to-hearts with friends and the spilling of feelings i thought i could keep inside for a long time. i'm doing better, a lot better than i thought. i had good days and unexpected mediocre ones. but the good days always reigned.

with march, i don't know what i'm expecting. i don't know whether or not i should set goals for this month. i just want to do my very best and take control of me. actually, i think that's all i need.
-kiss kiss kiss, you know you love me; xoxo-

i like to think i'm daring.

every time i got in the shower and ran my hands under the water to test the heat, this thought struck me: one day, you need to take a photo of your hand in the shower. the sun will begin to set and the rays will stream through the rectangular bathroom windows, and it will be beautiful. it ran through my mind for the rest of the shower, and once i got out, i completely forgot about it. i think this cycle went on for about two weeks, until one saturday, before my youth fellowship, i remembered before i got in the shower and seized my opportunity. i think it's the most dangerous thing i've ever done with my camera. and i'm not one to put my electronics in a situation where their working ability is compromised (that sounded so official). i just wanted to do something a bit... i don't know. i like to think i'm daring. i like to think this photo represents cleansing in a way. water cascading down the palm of my hand, erasing all prominent failure, telling me i can try again tomorrow. whether this is your view of daring or not, i just feel proud of this moment. i feel like i should keep trying, keep doing.

happiest wednesday to you guys.
-kiss kiss kiss, stuck in her daydream-

lately, feeling so out of touch.

honestly, it hasn't been easy for me lately. this morning i wanted to sleep until the wind shook the curtains apart and the light opened my eyes for me. lately, i haven't really wanted to get out of bed, to face the day bravely. lately, honestly, i've been feeling so stupid, wondering what the heck i've been doing. 

around here and around other places, i've seen people rejoicing in the wonderful things God's doing for them. and i know we're supposed to rejoice when others rejoice, but when i saw their joy, i felt a pang of guilt. of jealousy. wondering why these things weren't happening to me. and i got really tired of it. i got tired of seeing people being happy while i was over here throwing a sort of pity party for myself. i dared to think, "why, God, are You not doing this for me? i have so many things i want to do right now. why is it that i'm not the one you've..." chosen, i suppose. and i realised it, eventually. i realised why i was feeling so angsty, so out of it. 

i've been incredibly busy. four dual-credit classes at community college, innumerable extra-curriculars and homeschool studies have taken over my world. at the end of the day, i don't feel like spending time with God. and it's not okay. mom told me one day, "as you get busier, it's more important for you to read the Word and spend time with the Lord." and i sort of took it half-heartedly. i understood it, but i didn't act on it. not really. 

and as a human being, i make mistakes. and i let myself make them when i know there's another way to go through this time of my life. my friends listened to me rant over boys, over trivial parent problems, over money that i need right now, over things that didn't make me feel any better once i got them out. right now, i'm not pleased with my photography. right now, every other writer seems to write more eloquent than i do. right now, i don't know if i want to take a break from blogging or to push through it with half-half-hearted posts and leftover pictures from the days when i was really proud of my photography. i just dwelled on myself, on the things that were going wrong, over and over and over. 

and last night, i decided to stop it. 

it was after 11:30. i put down the novel i was reading and opened a daily encouragement book that i got for Christmas. i caught up on the days i hadn't read the excerpts from Scripture or prose, and then i put the book down and i talked to God, really, for the first time in a long time. 

and i cried, and i stumbled over my words in harsh whispers, and i apologised for being so selfish and for not just shutting up to let Him speak to me when i should've. i didn't know what to do and i just wanted an answer. 

and i got peace. i felt a hand in my Spirit, just rubbing. relaxing. and i lied down and cried a little more. and i heard this Scripture:

come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest.
- matthew 11:28

and everything that was troubling me before just... it went away. i didn't feel stressed, i didn't feel overly tired. i felt safe and i felt content and i do feel that way right now. i'm trusting the Lord, i'm believing in Him, because in every season He is the same. no matter what's happening, He's the same. and He's always there to listen and to help, even when it seems as though we are beyond help. He gave me a new morning, a silver lining. 

and i just... i just had to get all of that out. i should be studying, i should be getting dressed, i should be keeping my schedule but what the heck, i just wanna brag on God for a second, yeah? i want to get closer to Him. i want to stop wanting and to start doing. and that's what i'm doing right now. 

delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
- psalms 37:4

please, let me know how i can lift you up.  

-kiss kiss kiss, i rest in You-

i'm just being me.

this is my favourite picture of him. and to be honest, i don't know why. maybe it's because of his haircut, and the way the awkward tuft on the back of his head screams "bedhead!". or maybe it's his jaws that have always been perfectly accented, growing more prominent as he grows. or maybe it's his lips; the perfect shade of pink that look nor bruised or made up. or maybe it's the fact that it is simply him, sans-smile (because it's okay to not always smile in picture), in a hoodie that's seen more cities than i have, without paparazzi in front or behind or a designer suit from burberry. this is the peter that i fell in love with after prince caspian, who's grown immensely since the lion, the witch and the wardrobe, and the william who has so many wonderful things to fulfill in his life. and i'll always be happy for him. and i'll always root for him. and i'll still go to narnia and be his queen at cair paravel and we'll have gloriously jawed children whose names i've already picked out and bring peace to all the lands. it's not for sentimental reasons that he's still on my sidebar. it's there because it's still true. it's still true even though tom hiddleston has taken over my tumblr (#ehehe) and eddie redmayne's vocal chords have taken over my heart (#ohmeohmymarius) and colin morgan's cheekbones have pretty much take over my ability to can. and, um, i'm not trying to be deep or philosophical here or anything, i'm just being jocelyn. i'm just being jocee (pronounced: jaw-see). i'm just being me. you know, the girl who came on the scene two years ago in four days {!!!}, with that massive obsession with all things narnia. i'm not really trying to make a point or anything, i'm just saying that this is william.

and he has this extraordinarily special place in my heart.

-kiss kiss kiss, beautiful dreamer-

{pea ess: don't we all await that fateful day when my blog miraculously turns into my tumblr?}
{pea pea ess: hey, amanda. this is for you.}

how a milkshake can signify growing up.

well, this still isn't a year-in-review post. but it does have something to do with the years passing by. i realised it a little after my uncle and aunt left for the last time before they flew back to california (we won't see them again until april) and a little before bedtime, as daddy poured a mason jar full of vanilla milkshake for both joy and i.

i haven't had a milkshake in years. i think the last time daddy made one was before joy was born, which was nearly 8 years ago. i don't even think she's had a (homemade) milkshake in her life.

and that, in turn, got me thinking about growing up.

right now, i'm older than i've ever been and as young as i ever will be. but at this time one year ago, i wasn't as close to some things as i am now. sooner than ever before, i'll get my driver's license. i'll take my SAT. i'll send in applications to college/move out/go to university. i'll get a job and start paying my own bills, among other things. i wasn't as close to those things a second ago as i am right now.

and yet, as my lips kissed the cold mason jar and my tongue took on the familiar taste of vanilla and milk, i was reduced to that 8 year old kid again. it was as if no time had gone by. it was as if i begged daddy to make the milkshake so i'd be able to stay up some minutes later than i usually did, just like old times.

everyone asks this: where has all the time gone? personally, i think it comes and creates memories, storing them in the most precious parts of your head and heart, and then it recycles itself to do it all over again. have you noticed that when you live in the now, nothing seems to have changed, and then when you look back, you see that everything has changed? time (funny litt'l bugga) has a way of doing that. and i sort of admire it for that.

so here i am, 16 years old, on december 31st, 2012, at 4:15:22pm. i want another milkshake. i'm about to leave for the long centre to volunteer for the blue man group with mommy before heading to the same new years eve party. i will take every moment and hold it dangerously close, like a hug so tight that one has fear of choking.

because one day, after i've drunk up the last of another milkshake, i'll look in the mirror and see (God forbid) my first wrinkle. or gray hair. or something. so i figure i should remember now in great, great detail.

or i can just become a time lord and regenerate after every milkshake. yes, i like this idea better. happy new years, sweet'ms. that december post? tomorrow. promise.

-kiss kiss kiss, little red-haired girl-

there are no words.

there are no photos, there is no poetry, or any form of art for that matter, to fluff up the tragedy that pretty much cursed this day. there is no way to make this okay, there is no way to make it seem not that bad. it is what it is, and because of the lives lost we should not try to water it down because sometimes bubbles have to be popped, and we need to know of the evil that radiates in this world. with that being said, i am not saying that this needed to happen. on the contrary, none of this should've happened. with all of the shootings that have plagued america this year alone, you'd think that december would be a calm, peaceful and inviting month. not to say this should ruin it for us, but we need to know. the details are so heartbreaking and gruesome that i actually threw up when i heard the news. and with that being said, we need to pray. we need to lift up those involved, and those not involved. we need to give everyone to God. 

WE CAN REJOICE WHEN WE RUN INTO PROBLEMS AND TRIALS, FOR WE KNOW THEY DEVELOP ENDURANCE, WHICH DEVELOPS STRENGTH IN CHARACTER, WHICH STRENGTHENS OUR CONFIDENT HOPE OF SALVATION. AND THIS HOPE WILL NOT LEAD TO DISAPPOINTMENT, FOR GOD LOVES US DEARLY.- ROMANS 5:3-5

Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God Who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. - Deuteronomy 31:6

 I will not leave you as orphans [comfortless, desolate, bereaved, forlorn, helpless]; I will come [back] to you. John 14:18

i'm sorry. i thought i would just leave it at this but i have something else to say. 

i love my sister. i love her so much. i prayed to God, asked Him for her. i was nearly 9 years old when she came into my life. i was so happy, because before that, i was lonely. everyone else had siblings and someone to talk to and play with, and i was an only child. the only people i had wear my friends, but i only saw them on sundays and wednesdays at church. so now, joy is 7 years old. i admit, we don't get along as well as we should. it's my fault and it's hers, and we could both probably make a mutual effort to be nicer to each other. but you know how siblings are. and yet, i love her. i don't say it often or express it well, but i do. i do. and what i would do if i were never able to see her again, i don't know. i am afraid to know. and like losing a best friend, no one should have to know. so, keep them close. not just your siblings. keep your parents close. keep everyone you care about close. but don't start when your or their life is threatened, love them everyday. tell them everyday. give them a hug and a kiss. not just because those in connecticut cannot hug or kiss some of their kids anymore, but because you can. so please. please. 

-kiss kiss kiss, this is what it means-

{pea ess: listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.}

the last fifteen days i will ever be fifteen.

and in the midst of it all, these few leaves have survived [don't judge me i just really like these pictures]. i am about to get very personal. and i don't expect you to read the whole thing. but at least read the last entry, because this is me creating a new beginning. in Him i am new. no matter what has happened in the last fifteen days, i will be okay. i am okay. i am fantastic. so entre. 

{2 corinthians 5:17}

tuesday, november 27, 2012 -
mellow. that's what tuesday was, in comparison to these next few days. i don't remember a lot of the details, which is why i'm writing it down now. so i don't forget completely. i remember that tuesday as the day ashley (the brunette in my music class) said i was so cute. and so quiet. and that i wasn't the only young'n in her classes. there was one guy who just turned 16 the day before. but i said i was the cutest young'n. she laughed. that's what they always do. later, after mommy, grandma, joy and i went shopping for corporate clothing and a birthday dress, i went to my english class. around 5 of us were there, and i needed help prepping for the SAT, which is what i did with my professor for about... 30 minutes. then, i found brian (one of my best guy friends who i also happen to think is really cute) in the cafeteria, and we talked about boys and girls and he played clocks by coldplay for me and i sang him moon river. i really need to get used to singing for people. that's why i sang for him. after i left and went to the gym and ate dinner, i went to square dancing where i read and wrote more than i danced. and then i went home. that was a pretty good day. especially in comparison to these next few days.

wednesday, november 28, 2012 -

i said as we came from from piano: "in two weeks exactly, i will be 16." mommy smiled as i told her about my birthday party plans [for the millionth time since the day after my 15th birthday]. she brought me onion rings and sweet potato fries (that i drenched in ketchup) as celebration because when i found out, i told my family that i wanted to celebrate. it was an early birthday present for me. and i like to celebrate with eating out since we never really do. that morning, at 8:11am, i found out that i won the texas young composers' competition for the second year in a row. i ran to my parents room, causing a ruckus as i stumbled up the stairs, and tackled mommy (of whom i never hug, so this was special), screaming out the news. they muttered congratulations because they were so shocked, and i told grandparents and a few friends before posting it on facebook later. even my music professor announced it to the class. he did it in such a way that a lot of the details were left out, so my classmates still don't know that i wrote my first orchestral piece when i was 14 years old. but that's okay. they don't have to know now. i went to the pool to see if my friend was there (we were supposed to meet up for a school project, but she wasn't there) and i felt a little bit wrong walking in as though there was nothing wrong while all my friends were working so hard in the pool. i still don't miss the sport, though. later, after i told audrey about the competition, she told me the truth. she told me everything that she'd been keeping inside about our friendship. and she yelled. and i cried. and she yelled more, but i'm glad she got it out. in our friendship, i always tried to do what i thought was right, but apparently, it didn't work out very well. she had been so upset at me for so long and i didn't know. i know i messed up but i thought i fixed it. so i cried more than i worked out at the gym and sneezed all the way through wednesday night church service. i got a few more congratulations but i still couldn't stop thinking that i'd lost audrey. there really can't be much worse than losing a best friend. well, yes, there can be worser things that could happen, and she'd always told me if i lost her or if we mutually lost each other that i'd be okay. because i have other friends. and that made me feel even worse. we decided to take a break. to stop talking until she or i were ready. i'm a bit scared to say i'm still not ready. incidentally, i don't know whether or not i cried that night. i do know that i woke up with the most terrible stuffed nose the next morning, though. 

thursday, november 29, 2012 - 

i don't remember much of thursday morning. i know mom rushed me to get out of the house and yet i ended up being late for music class. not really late, though. they hadn't officially started yet, anyway. that was the day everyone told me that "i was too young to know what 'stoned' was," and the day that i told them that "i knew what stoned was, i just didn't know where to get drugs." and they all laughed really really hard. and i really really like it when people laugh at the things i say. it makes me think i've done something right [or wrong, but they laughed anyway so i'm glad i helped them lose an ounce of a pound]. at lunch, i forgot that i had lunch with me and instead worked on school and waited for english class to start. it was a bit awkward, because it was just me and my professor, but i let her listen to the recording in my "good lighting" blog post, and she really liked that. i'm glad people like what i have to say. even if it is complete crap. at any rate, she enjoyed it. and she said that it would get an A because of the way it flowed so well. she could really see it in her head. after home and the gym, i went to a get together with a lot of my homeschool friends. we ate breakfast for dinner and sang worship songs and i gave a testimony about what God had been doing in my life. i used the romans 5:3-5 verse. because it's really relevant. always will be. charity and hayley and kathryn and lela were there, and charity and i fangirled so hard over tom hiddleston that i think i lost 2 pounds. there was a girl named audrey there. and i started thinking about audrey again. but it was a good night, even though i didn't have anyone to talk to when i got home. 

friday, november 30, 2012 -

my blog is not a dumping ground. my blog is not a dumping ground. my blog is not a dumping ground, so i won't talk about what happened on friday.

saturday, december 1, 2012 -

my eyes were so thick that it actually hurt for tears to fall down my face. i still had tears to cry, which made it extra hard. that day, mom and i were to go to a ladies' Christmas at our pastor's wife's house. two of my friends were there (rachel and carolyn), and i ate more frosted sugar cookies than i care to relay. i had to tell someone about what happened the night before, and i let it out to rach and carol, but didn't really seem to understand. but i think it was just me venting out my anger. and i get my point across a lot better with written word. i was invited by the girls to go shopping later on, but mom said no, because she wanted to have a serious talk with me when we got home. i won't relay all the details because i don't want to think about them. afterword, it was mellow again, and instead of my having to watch joy while mom and dad went to their company Christmas party that night, mom stayed home, so i was off the hook. we made birthday party plans and sent out invitations, and then everything was okay. 

sunday, december 2, 2012 -
the entire day, i was uncontrollably excited because i had a photoshoot scheduled with one of my greatest friends, nicole. i sped through church and lunch and everything because i couldn't wait to go to the park and shoot her (pun not intended, but still kept) during the golden hour. incidentally, when i did get to the park, i got there about 20 minutes early, and i sat at a table with three props that i had brought, waiting for nicole to show up. to make a long story short, she was a little late, but i had one of the best photoshoots i've had in the history of ever, and afterword, we went to the domain, drank gingerbread cookie lattes, red velvet lattes, and walked around, spraying perfume samples on ourselves and snickering when we saw cute boys. it was deliciously fun, and i was out of breath when i got home, and that was when i felt most alive.

monday, december 3, 2012 -
my community college classmates like to tease me for being so young. and when i try to relate to them, they either laugh or whine; laugh because what i say is apparently hilarious, and whine because i make them sound so lazy. for instance, monday, they were talking about heartburn and how horrid it felt. i said, "i've never had heartburn before, so i can't really relate." and they just laughed and said, "it's okay, jocelyn. you're only a baby. you'll have plenty of time to have heartburn!" and then i said, "well, i've had chest pains from working out too hard! i almost had to go to the hospital." and that's when they really started laughing, and then my professor says, "while we complain about heartburn, she tells us about the health benefits she experiences!" needless to say, we started class late that day [rhyme]. that night, at teen court, i was put on the spot to sing happy birthday to those who had birthdays in december. i'm very glad the administrator meant for me to lead, but there was absolutely no way that i would be doing it myself. i mean, i don't have a terrible voice, but i get self-conscious sometimes. i have to warm up. after teen court, a lot of us went to chick-fil-a for an after party, celebrating one of my friends' first time as a lead or assistant attorney. it was good, because it got my mind off things. and sometimes i just need to have fun.

tuesday, december 4, 2012 -
i don't remember much about tuesday. i remember brian coming late for our tuesday cafeteria hijinx (where we just talk about random things and sing and hang out and stuff). he wore a red shirt and looked sick, but we had fun anyways. beyond that, tuesday is such a blur, but i think that if i can remember at least one thing that happened on each day then i'll be okay.

wednesday, december 5, 2012 -
every year, around my birthday, i start getting a whole bunch of emails with coupons in them, and the coupons are mostly for free food. free ihop, free red robin, free fuddruckers, free etc. so wednesday, i had a craving for burgers and fries (that's my favourite meal if you didn't know). daddy and i decided to go to fudd's for my free burger, but on the coupon, we noticed they changed it to "with the purchase of etc etc etc." and that wasn't fair, because i wanted a burger so badly. but daddy printed out the coupon for red robin [yummmmm], and after my daily workout at the gym, we sped to red's and ate a humongous burger with unlimited fries. we ended up getting to wednesday night church service late, but at least i ate something, right? besides, we hardly go out to eat in my house. when i grow up, that's going to change.

thursday, december 6, 2012 -
it was my mommy's XXth birthday. she had breakfast out, lunch out, and dinner out. she did only what she wanted to do, but she was entitled to it because daddy, joy and i are such demanding children (just kidding, daddy). even though it was her birthday, i had school, so i went to my last official day at community college. i brought cake and ashley brought cookies. everyone loved the cake, because it was still warm. i wonder if anyone else in my class knows how to bake. after class and after lunch, i went to my english final. at first, i was really flustered, and i wished i had my notes with me, but i got the hang of it, and finished my essay in about two hours. afterward, the whole family picked me up, and we all went to the gym, which was fun. i have this abs and toning class that is really fun, even though i wake up the next day with searing pain in my abs and calves. mommy and daddy were going on a date that night, so back at home, i was sentenced to watch joy. it wasn't half bad, because it was her bedtime anyways, so i baked cake for the next day, cleaned the kitchen, and fell asleep watching tower heist. mommy had a nice birthday, at least that's what she told me the next day. we didn't sing her happy birthday or anything this year because we were all "GO GO GO to the next place!" but she was okay. and she was thankful. i like having my birthday six days apart from my mom's. that way, if i forget mine, i'll just remember my mom's and then i'll remember mine.

friday, december 7, 2012 -
i didn't go to the gym on friday. instead, i went to the park for a get together with friends [i don't have CC on fridays], and i took pictures of ellisse, who was one of them. the nice thing about it all was that it was cool outside, and when the wind came a whole bunch of leaves started raining down from the tree that loomed above us. it was startling, but it was beautiful. i haven't been present (meaning i haven't been paying attention) when the world changed before my eyes. i've always been doing something that distracted me completely from the outdoors. but friday was different. and it's good to be different. after the park, i went home and made yet another cake for that night's church Christmas banquet, and macaroni and cheese, too. mommy said i was a big help, and made things easier for her, because she had a lot to do. i changed clothes and did my hair, and when i got to the banquet, i was one of the only people who really dressed up. i was a bit embarrassed, but i was born to stand out, right? right. after the banquet that night, i told audrey that i was ready. and to be perfectly honest, i don't know if i was. but i just wanted to talk. and that... that didn't go very well. but saturday was a new day, so maybe everything would be resolved by then.

saturday, december 8, 2012 -
i just lost my best friend. i have nothing further to say.

sunday, december 9, 2012 -
i had a lot to say about friends and friendships and losing friends that day. the thing is, i never got to really say any of them. on my hour run through the neighbourhood, i tried to gather my thoughts, but there were so many of them that i decided not to think at all. that was impossible though, so i tried to think of only good things. that wasn't as impossible. i just felt like since i was the one who ruined the friendship, i owed so much to her. i had and have so much to say. but i can't tell her because we have been reduced to acquaintances. and honestly, i do not want to go into details because it's between me and her. but i've been reading and rereading and re-rereading that verse. romans 5:3-5. rejoice, rejoice, rejoice. when you are happy, rejoice. when you are sad, rejoice. and when you are everything in between, rejoice. the thing is, no one should have to lose their best friend. no one at all. but otherwise, my sunday wasn't... terrible. we ate queso and watched football and played balloon soccer until the balloon popped and talked about birthday party decorations. i know that everything will [eventually] be okay. it's just that sometimes, i don't know if i will be okay.

monday, december 10, 2012 -
i had my sight singing final yesterday [i got a 92 - huzzah!], meaning i finished half of my finals for this semester. i talked to ashley (the blonde in my class), and i told her that it would be alright and she'd do well [she got a 97 - even more huzzah!], and then we talked about life and teenagerhood and high school and school in general for awhile. it was a good conversation, and it taught me some things. allie (from a fine frenzy) said "you're only as good as the people you're surrounded with." and i must say, i am incredibly blessed to be around such purposeful human beings. and for those who aren't doing so well with their life, i have learned not to make their mistakes. but i will help them make better ones. after school, mommy and i went shopping for decorations for my birthday party on saturday. needless to say, i'm a little excited. we'll be watching the avengers, eating cake and opening presents, and having mini-photoshoots at a local shopping outlet - the domain. then, i went to music composition, the last class of the year for me. i kind of wish i gave my teacher a hug. she's so great at what she does. that night was teen court, and we had pizza. a lot of pizza. and i got to tell everyone i'd see them next year, when the next court was set. that's one of my favourite things to say, because it's true. it's just that 'next year' is a lot closer than we next. and next year will be a lot better than this one. i know that.

tuesday, december 11, 2012 -
today is the last day i will ever be fifteen. i feel sort of nostalgic, like i want to listen to taylor swift or something, but i won't give into that urge. now that i'm really excited for my birthday, the clock seems to be going as slow as it possibly can. it's teasing me, trying to make me go insane waiting. i have learned so much in these last fifteen days. i have learned to have peace, to breathe deep, and i have learned to let go. i am still learning to let go. i have learned to sleep and understand that the next day is always fresh, with no mistakes. i have learned to be okay with what i do, and i have learned to be joyful because happiness depends on what happens. but joy is a constant, if you want it to be. my writing above is not beautiful, it is not poetic, and it's not something that has me swooning with awe. it's something that is real, and it's something that happened, and i have not tried to dress it up in any way. in the days that i went bad and read what happened, i laughed. and i cried. and i realised that these days very well may've been the hardest of my life. and i don't expect you to have read all the way through. i'm sure you skipped a lot of days. and if you did, that's okay. i can't force you to read all of this. but this is my heart, and i am sharing it with you. sometimes i've had second thoughts but i am going through with this. not because i already told you about it, but because i want to. today, i have my ear training music final. then, i get my hair done for my birthday, and come home and do birthday decorations. i may or may not have a chance to go to the gym. the family may or may not go square dancing. tonight, i will stay up late, until 12:12am. mommy and i have always liked pointing it out because it's our birthday. 12:06 and 12:12, that's us. so maybe think of us when your clock favours us for a moment of its time. tomorrow i am sixteen. i spell out the numbers because i feel like i should. i have learned not to grow weary and not to faint, like God's Word says. i am learning to glorify the Lord in everything i do. and i know i will go far. and sixteen feels like a great year to do it. so january is not my new beginning, and neither is october. today is my new beginning. tomorrow is my new beginning. everyday is my new beginning, because i want it to be.

huzzah, bazinga, and all that mush.

-kiss kiss kiss, now is the start-

at starbucks.

i actually had my post for the day all set up (which isn't normal for me, so i was pretty proud of myself), and then daddy reminded me that he had a meeting at starbucks that i agreed to go to. incidentally, the meeting had nothing to do with me, but he was going to take me to school after the meeting, so he was my ride. and since i don't drive yet, it was perfectly logical.

when we arrived, i was surprised at the amount of people there. old fellows met for a breakfast club, couples sat holding hands, men met for business meetings, single people organized their schedules and studied for school, and i even saw a father and son having a 'power breakfast,' as i overheard the son say.

daddy and i sat down at a two-person table next to the window, and i took in the deep rich scent of coffee beans. "daddy, i want a peppermint mocha," i pleaded. "you have money, you can buy one." "..." he was like that. he said that soon, i would be paying for everything myself. i guess i understood, so i went up to the counter. the barista was cheery, sing-song-ing a "good morning!" in tune with zooey deschanel's she & him Christmas album. i ordered my peppermint mocha, along with a cranberry orange scone, which was and is my favourite. they didn't ask for my name, because it wasn't very busy and there wasn't any need to, but i went ahead and imagined what would've happened if they did.

if the barista asked for my name, i'd shift from one foot to the other and say, "nirrimi," [which is perfectly ethereal] and smile meekly. they'd write it on the cardboard part of my cup with that familiar scruffy sound, and give it to the person who made the drinks. i'd pay and stand of the other side of the counter, waiting for my drink and imagining the lives of the other people around me.

one of the best things about going to starbucks is that you don't have to be yourself; you can be anyone you want to, fictional or real. you can create scenarios for yourself and the people around you and try to act the way you would if you were really in that situation. and considering the busyness that's been taking over my life as of late, it's nice to go on a personal vacation and put all schedules aside for a time, though it may be short.

if the barista asked for my name, they'd call it when my drink was ready, and our fingertips might've briefly touched if they handed it directly to me. i'd take my seat next to the window, maybe taking out a piece of writing that i'd started the night before, and i'd pour myself into it as though i was who i told them i was.

i just think it's nice to get away from reality and create your own alternate universe sometimes. who are we if we have no imagination? on a different note, i had my first peppermint mocha today, and it made me feel like Christmas was just around the corner. of course, it is. 

happy monday, all.

-kiss kiss kiss, sugar-pie honeybun-

kind, smart, important [and brave].

i think that when it comes to kids, there are no "special needs." i think that you should give the child what they need, when they need it, and do it to the best of your ability. i'm not talking about changing diapers or making them breakfast, i'm talking about the things that they'll either forget within minutes or remember for the rest of their life.

i think the second time i babysat for w. and g., g. had a little meltdown when she decided not to cooperate. i don't remember what exactly she was doing, but after protesting against me for some minutes, she plopped down on the floor and tears flooded her eyes and spilled over like a glass sitting under the faucet for too long. i asked her what the matter was. i'm a bad girl, she said. you are not a bad girl! you're a good girl! i said. then why do i always do bad things? her lower lip was dramatically thrusted forward. i think it's because we want something that someone else doesn't want for us, and we don't want to let go just yet, i whispered. i'm a bad girl, she repeated again.

but this time i didn't answer immediately. i sat back, took a deep breath, and decided to say the words that an old friend had said to me innumerable times before. (the help, to be exact) g., i want you to look at me, in my eyes, and repeat after me: i am kind, i am smart, i am important. i'm not a bad girl, i'm a good girl. it took some convincing, but she repeated after me. then, she threw her arms around me and cried for a little, but it was all better sooner than later.

so it came as such a shock to me this morning when ms. e. picked me up from the house and said don't have a heart attack, but they're moving. it hasn't hit me yet, but i think it will at some cold, rotten hour of the night, with such force that i won't be able to shake it. when we got to their house that stood on the corner, the driveway was a growing mass of mugs and candle-holders, and baby toys and things that were going to be sold. w's room was literally storage, so he and g. had to sleep in the same bed.

i know an hour away doesn't seem that far, but when g. asked me if she'd see me next week, it seemed like a million worlds away. i don't want them to go. i've gotten used to them. i've fallen in love with the feeling of holding a little one in my arms as they drift off to sleep, and i can't really let that go yet. i don't think i ever will.

when they took me home, i told g. that she was kind, smart, and important all over again. she said she didn't remember my saying in the first time, but i told her that she did now. the best part, though, was that she added and brave to the end of my sentence.

that's it, my little rapunzel.

you're brave. so you go get 'em. i love you and w.

-kiss kiss kiss, smile because it happened-
{pea ess: oh look, that's my face, and it's moving. consider this a vlog for now, guys? yeah.}

teneleventwelve and i have an idea.

this has been on my heart for awhile.

photo by kinga.

we're influenced by what we see more than we think we are. if you see someone wearing 3D glasses and it looks cool, then you might start wearing 3D glasses. and someone's listening to a popular new album or artist, then you might start listening to the same music as they are. if you look on the cover of a magazine and see a girl, not much older than you, with enlarged breasts and prominent cheekbones and full, red lips, then you'll get it in our head that that's how you're supposed to look, so you'll do everything to can to make sure you look like that.

no, sweetheart. no. don't do that. society thinks that nowadays, you have to be blonde-haired and blue-eyed, under 120 pounds, barely dressed to be beautiful. they think that anything over size 6 is plus-sized, anyone single is a loser, and that eating disorders are worth it because then you'll have that body you've always wanted.

if these things are true, then i, 5'10" and 200 pounds (of muscle), am morbidly obese. but this isn't true. i mean, yeah, i look in the mirror almost everyday with a look of disgust on my face because my stomach isn't flat, my thighs have touched for as long as i can remember, and my hands are too big and so on. but that's the thing. we turn to the mirror and trust them to show us that girl from seventeen magazine, but we always end up looking at ourselves.

but what's so bad about that? what makes us ineligible of beauty? nothing! that's exactly it. and we shouldn't let these "fashion" magazines or overly-dramatic teen sitcoms dictate to us who we are. there's an article in this month's issue of austin woman magazine by robyn silverman, that says "only 5 percent of girls naturally possess the coveted ail-thin body type so often depicted in fashion spreads and advertisements." so should we berate ourselves, the 95 percent, for the body that is unique and custom-fit for all of us?

robyn said only 5 percent of girls naturally possess that thin body type. naturally. the girls use see on those magazines that fill shelves all across the world? you can't possibly think that the photos they're in aren't edited. go ahead. look online. if you look at the before and after photos for fashion magazines, the difference is mind-blowing. when i first saw them, i said to myself, "she looks like me. she looks like me. the girl in forever21 looks different from the girl i see right here, right now. she has freckles and moles on her face. her hair isn't perfectly coloured and waist isn't as small as it appears to be in the retail store. there's finally something between us that is similar!"

so the purpose of this post? i dare you. you know those fashion magazines you see in the aisles of wal-mart? the ones that mock you and laugh at you because you can never live up to your standards? i dare them to post an issue where none of the models are retouched. none of their body parts are edited, and if anything is edited, it's to boost the overall quality of the photo. not the person in it. so spread the word. facebook, twitter, tumblr, any media that might catch someone's eye. i want them to know that i exist. i'm not perfect, i'm not even close. but i don't edit myself so i can give the illusion that i am perfect. 

i don't know what's going to become of this, but i only have high hopes. and for the record, you're beautiful. maybe the next time you look at yourself in the mirror, you'll look at your inside and not your outside. and maybe, just maybe, you'll like what you see. 

-kiss kiss kiss, stand a little taller-

it strikes me as remarkable.

photo credit here // typography by me

i don't know. today felt... different. there was a certain scent lingering in the air, one that i couldn't quite put my finger on it. maybe it was the cold, maybe it was the warmth, or maybe it was something else entirely, but it made us all shiver.

this morning, i awoke when the sky started to stretch. donning an old swim tee and some sweatpants, i dragged my dad out of bed and he drove me to the gym. i'm going to the gym instead of swimming now, but that's a whole different story. suffice to say that i'm a lot happier. a lot happier. anyway, when i walked outside, i was immediately greeted by goosebumps spreading like wildfire on my shoulders. it was the first time in a long time that i wanted a jacket, but i didn't go get one. instead, i let myself stay chilly, relishing in the fact that i hadn't been burnt to a crisp.

when i got to the gym, the sun was rising out of the sea, somewhere, far away. the clouds were pink and orange and the sky was blue on the other side of the parking lot. that's something that's never ceased to amaze me: east and west. it's either darker or lighter on each side. like a whole different world. but that's a different story, too.

by the time i left the gym, the sun had come up, but the sky was still glazed in the hues of pink and orange and maybe a small dash of purple on the horizon. as i sat in the lobby waiting for daddy to come pick me up, i saw a small dot floating towards the sun. it was a hot air balloon. i silently squealed, because i hadn't seen one of those in a long time. the employees behind me talked about men who threatened to beat their wives in public, and there were a lot of long silences, so i just closed my ears off to them and played classical piano over and over in my head. daddy eventually came, looking ragged like a person who's withered up like a raisin after being in the swimming pool too long, and confessed he slept in before we drove on home. i told him about the hot air balloon, and it was getting closer to the sun every second, but when we left the parking lot, it was gone. just gone. i figured the trees were blocking it, and when we drove out into a clearing i expected to see it, but it wasn't there. i was disappointed, but everything has to continue on its journey eventually.

everything felt off for the rest of the day. well, it was normal, but that scent lingering in the air seemed to set everyone on edge. it was on the tip of their tongue, the cliff of their personality, but they never gave it off. like you're just dying to tell someone a secret but you feel loyal to the other friend? that's what it was like. maybe it was the flags flying half-mast at school today. i had to think twice before i realised what it was.

when i was browsing tumblr this afternoon, i came across a certain gif. i gasped and covered my mouth in awe, but not the sort of awe where you admire something, but the sort of awe when a tragedy occurs so...dissonant, so negative, that it leaves you stunned. it took me several hours, but somehow, it clicked. and the spoon was finally molded into its proper shape. 

it was there, you guys. it was there. the building was there, and then it was gone. in seconds. in tenths, hundredths, nanoseconds. it was gone. and i still can't fathom how it all happened. i can hardly remember the morning it happened. i can conjure up an image in my head but i don't know if it's the right one. but basically, it's just like the hot air balloon. it was there when i walked out of the lobby. and when we drove out of the parking lot, it was suddenly gone. just gone. and i couldn't find it again. maybe it never existed. but the point is, it just kind of strikes me as remarkable. as odd. as tragic. as evil. for something so innocent, so simple, to be stolen in seconds. like taking candy from a child or tearing an infant away from his mother's heartbeat. it's scary. and really, in remembering, after eleven years, i just want it all to be okay.

so i'm praying, you guys. because i don't want anything else to be stolen so quickly. 

or even at all. 

-extremely loud & incredibly close-

i'm coming out {ten} imagine.

{one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine}

typography by me // original photo here

Stop. Step away from the computer. Pause that song on your iPod. Reply to that text later. Take a deep breath, close your eyes. Imagine this: What if we were all indifferent?

What if there was no such thing as blonde hair and blue eyes, skinny and fat, tall and short, and we were all made to be the same? What if we all had the same hair and eyes, the same skin color, and we were all the same height and the same weight? No one would be more beautiful than anyone, no one would be more ugly, because we'd all be the same.

And what if this happened to the whole world? The actors would look like us. The models would look like us. We wouldn't be able to wish to be someone else, because we were all pretty much one person, just multiplied by seven billion. There'd be no anorexia, no bulimia, no racism and no suicide. We'd wear the same clothes, eat the same food, and have the same talents. We could be anything we wanted to be, and no one would be jealous of anyone because there'd be nothing to be jealous of.

So every physical aspect of a person would be diminished to the point where we'd all be the same, and we wouldn't be able to judge anyone for how large their breasts were or how strong they appeared to be, or how much makeup they wore, or how they dressed. We wouldn't be able to call anyone beautiful or ugly based on what we saw on the outside, which is what we do in real life in the span of a fleeting second.

But what if there was one thing that could tell us apart? If all our outward possessions and elements of our appearance were taken away, what would we do? I didn't say we didn't have personalities. I didn't say we all acted the same. If the outside of us was everlasting, we would be made beautiful from what was on the inside, which would be interchangeable. We'd have the freedom of speech, of opinion, the freedom of emotion. We'd keep all that we had on the inside, but the outside would be indifferent.

I mean, isn't that what we all want? To be judged by our heart and not by our bodies? So wouldn't the world be so much better if all we saw was what's on the inside? You can open your eyes now. My question is: Now, what do you see?

-kiss kiss kiss, the eye of the beholder-
{pea ess: oh look, capitalization is back! weird, isn't it? in other news, finally got to this post.}

you're never the same age for more than one second.

have you ever realized it? you're constantly getting older. every minute, every second, every fraction of a second, you're changing. i'm getting older just as i'm writing this post. i can't feel it, and i can't say i want to feel it, but it's a part of reality that i'm learning to grasp. in some cases, i want to get older. i want to get married, i want to do great things in music, i want to travel the world. but in other cases, i want to be a little girl still. i don't want to have to sleep in a room that is not my own. i don't want to take the college tests and get vaccinations and get my driver's license. i don't like being busy. i'd rather just sit and do it all on my own time.

today, i am thirty-one half years old. fifteen and-a-half, for those who are slightly confused. to everyone else, it's just a regular day, or maybe it's someone's whole birthday, but to me, it's... well, it's half a landmark. in my family, we don't celebrate every single little thing like hazel grace lancaster's mom insists on doing. we may celebrate an accomplishment here and there, but we really wait until the holidays come.

now, that doesn't mean i'm going to go bizerk and invite every human on facebook to my house. it just means that today will be a tad bit different. maybe i'll get some tea from grandma's house, since we don't have any here. maybe have a turkey sandwich for lunch, because it's my favorite, even if we don't have many potato chips left {everyone knows you can't have a turkey sandwich without potato chips}. eat an imaginary cupcake if a real one doesn't make itself known. tonight, my sister has a swim-a-thon, so there'll be pizza and popcorn and most of my friends. maybe do a writing 365 project. but why go through all this trouble? it's just one day.

see, i'm growing up. again, i have my reasons for wanting to and not wanting to. and even if most of my teenage years will all end up being a blur, i want there to be specific memories that i'd be happy to think about, happy to tell other people about.

and since it's the sort of thing wallflower's do, i think i might make myself a mixtape.

-kiss kiss kiss, happy half-birthday to me-

{pea ess: my song for today.}

i don't know why i say goodbye // i say hello

or alternately titled: signs of spring.

the sun is coming up earlier, igniting my yellow bedroom walls with flares and flashes of light. it sets later, and as it does the sky turns into a cascade of pinks and blues and oranges and purples, melting together with the perfect hue. the days seem longer even though they hold the exact same number of hours and minutes as usual. i hate to say goodbye to winter, but i think it's about time to say hello to spring.

so, maybe for some of you spring is teasing your senses. 70º one day and 26º the next? i know texas weather is outrageous but for some of you it's over the top. i know you've had it with the snow and you're about ready to have a short sleeved, sandaled picnic in a field. even though spring is quite muggy for us texans, i think i'm ready for it, too. it's time for the new leaves to take their bloom. the rain drips off the blades of grass and the blossoms give off their sweet scent. time to look for a new wardrobe. accumulate some recipes. await the april showers that precede may flowers.

sources: 1, 2
{s i g n s of s p r i n g}
+impromptu picnic lunches at the park.
+hunger games premiere.
+budding leaves on trees.
+wearing summer pajamas.
+breaking out the shorts and sandals.
+conversations of growing gardens.
+sunday trips to farmer's markets.
+more natural lighting around the house.
+lighter, more airy colors. {pastels}
+birds chirping in the morning.
+fresh fruit breakfasts.
+looking at scrapbooks of old vacations.
+spring break.
+cheery blue skies.

i hate to say goodbye to winter, for reasons that mostly concern the temperature changes, but hello spring. nice to see you again.
what are some signs of spring that you've been observing lately?

-kiss kiss kiss, mockingjay-
{pea ess: you guys, i'm in a state of hiddleshock. it's all nova's fault.}
{pea pea ess: kony, you guys. stop him.}

i don't know if i should be leaping

//. i'm not exactly used to leap day. i mean, everyone knows what leap year is. however, leap day is a totally different story. it's 9:49am as i write this, and there's a steady rain sheeting down outside the window. the maple trees are dripping water, and the autumn leaves that have seemed to hold on for this long are finally letting go.

//. remember monday's post? funny thing is, right after i hit publish, some of the inspiration started coming back to me. perfect timing, eh? could've come a little earlier, but i am happy, nonetheless. because of yesterday's trip to the library, i am now in possession of four new things of reading material. two are by the infamous john green, one by the ever-romantic jane austen, and one by the most recently discovered sara zarr. so, considering the fact that my mind has been aching for something to cry over since i finished the fault in our stars and the hunger games trilogy, i should be tied over for awhile.

//. yesterday was national pancake day, today is free cookie day at subway. currently, my out-of-the-house plans consist of piano practice and church, and other than that i can pretty much zone out and dream of joshua's jaw for the rest of the time. which means that i should be able to convince mommy to get me a cookie. should.

//. there's a funny thing about years. they start and you think it'll be so long until it's over. then the first month ends and you're a bit shocked. then the second month ends and you're appalled. then each other month ends in turn leaving you flabbergasted when december comes around again, and it continues all throughout your life. it's like procrastination. you never think the night before the comp paper is going to come, then it does, and you're toast.

//. i've been neglecting cupcakes lately. but, be sure that tomorrow will bring an abundance of oscar cupcake goodness, courtesy of my celebrity aunt, who actually is a celebrity.

//. random photo because all-text posts scare me:

source
my mind is happy now. 

it's leap day, and i don't know if i should be leaping.

-kiss kiss kiss, ok- {meganmeganmegan}

{pea ess: i was going to say something that i think you were going to like, but i forgot what it was. sorry, guys.}

it is the nature of stars to cross

i think today i was going to talk about quality versus quantity. but after finishing john green's the fault in our stars, my thoughts have become stars that i cannot fathom into constellations. to most of you, this post probably will not make much sense. however, to those of you who have read TFiOS, this is sort-of your own, personal talking to.

life is fickle. love even more so. everyone wants to be remembered; everyone wants to be loved. in life, it seems like when there's death that the person is finally remembered the way they want to be. in love, it seems like when the lover is gone that the one left alone finally realizes what they had. like that saying by someone i can't quite put my finger on: you never know what you have until it's gone.

{spoiler alert here} when gus died, i slammed the book shut and did an intense google searching spree on various questions like why do people have to die and why does cancer have to exist and why do bad things happen and why do the days get longer and shorter and so on. but then i realized that my answers were written by alot of people with generic answers like "it's God's fault" or "if people didn't die, the world's capacity would have been filled long ago" or something like that. google doesn't know. so why am i asking?

it's not God's fault. actually, it's ours. we sinned, therefore we don't deserve to live. but Jesus came and died so that wouldn't have to be true.

there's an interesting thing about celebrities. when they're down at their lowest point and try to get back up to the top, it fails, and soon after, they cease to exist on the face of the earth. then the world notices them, buys their music, falls in love with someone they'll never have the chance of knowing. with love, we have someone, but by some odd circumstance, whether death or no, we can't be with them anymore. and to be completely honest? it sucks. we suck.

i mean, how can be we so dense? to not pay attention when attention is needed, and when the wrong is done and all is in utter chaos we spin our heads in the right direction? when those who are well known die and we devote all our attention to them, no disrespect intended but what about the millions of others who died that same day? maybe they wanted to be remembered by many. maybe their version of "many" was a small pool of friends and family. can we increase the vision?

in TFiOS, there's a funny way to look at cancer. the human body is fighting it, it wants to live. the cancer is fighting us, because it wants to live too. like the persians and the spartans. it's all relative. but who do you want to win?

i love hazel's way of thinking. i love how gus always called her hazel grace and always built her up. i love how he decide not to deny himself the simple pleasures of existence and look at beautiful people. and i love that he had sense enough to put a cigarette in his mouth but not light it. i love how they gave the simple word "okay" a beautiful and infinite set of meanings.

if you have gotten this far and not sentenced me off to be a lunatic, order in the book at your library so you can truly understand what i speak of {there is some strong language used throughout, but if you can stand that you'll be fine}.

so to end my rattled thoughts, i'm going to write an autobiography of myself now.
-kiss kiss kiss, drinking the stars- 

it finally feels like winter.

i live in texas. texas is the sort of place that can't seem to make up it's mind about the weather. for instance, last week it was in the mid-70's. today? it's 44˚. we're absolutely notorious for summers, though. starting in early may, it gets to be around ninety degrees. then in june+july+august and possibly even september, it's record breaking triple-digit heat & humidity. and honestly? i just want a little snow. please.

taken in late december. 
we don't really seem to get the memo until february that winter is here. there are still brown leaves clinging to the maple tree in the front yard, and i think the south is trying to stay in the autumn realm. however, after yesterday, i haven't been complaining much.

there's a creek just beyond the backyard. it's the trail to a charter school behind a small grove of trees, and in the opposite direction it's the pathway to the library. i can see everything from my bedroom window. and every morning, when the forecast predicts chill and fog, i check to see if the creek is frozen. a bit of a privilege, if it is, and yesterday, i had that privilege. it was twenty-eight degrees outside. of course it was time to break out the mink coats and thick stockings, and so we did on our way to church. there's a chance of snow today, says daddy. you should know that i screamed. and after church? it did snow a little. baby flurries dancing in the sky that you could only see clearly on the top of the parked cars.

the temperature rose somewhat, leaving the baby snowflakes to melt, but snow came, and i am glad for that.

the weather is even warmer, and it's supposed to be in the 70's on tuesday. but for now, it finally feels like winter.

-kiss kiss kiss, hug spirals-

{pea ess: anyone want to send me a jar of snow? please do. even if it melts, it's special water.}

good vibrations

in the car. it's the end of the golden hour. the last of sun's rays cast their glow, giving the sky pink hues with bits of orange and lavendar purple. three jetplanes in the sky all at once; their smoke leaving their mark. reading the help to mommy, listening to her ramble on about where you go to meet a man. thank you, mrs. charlotte phelan. the dandelions scattered their seeds across the sidewalk. a million plants swang to an inaudible tune. walking into the long center, the mass of teenage girls, and more of all ages coming to see the experience that is kelly clarkson.

if you want me to get straight to the point, i volunteered at kelly clarkson's stronger tour concert last night. and yes, it was amazing. and yes, she waved at me, and no, i am not washing my left hand again.

the auditorium lit up in a menagerie of luminescent colors. she took the stage. she sang her heart out. i could feel the vibrations from the drum in my chest. it was stellar. truly. and by the time we left, the sky was dark. the air was cold. i could see my breath in front of my face. i was inspired. because she is inspiring. genuine. and very funny when it comes to carbonated drinks and knives.

i learned that never again. it may not seems to make sense, but i know that never again.

the experience of a lifetime. and it's safe to say that she's my favorite.

-kiss kiss kiss, never again-

{pea ess: debuting my first post on an ordinary utopia! read.}

{pea pea ess: some letters coming soon.}